Sunday, January 27, 2008

The simpleness that broke up the black clouds...

I guess before this weekend comes to a final close, I should keep my promise to share the things that happened last weekend to turn my mood around.

For starters, just writing the post and publishing it helped a lot more than I even imagined it would.

Then, two days later, as if my mom completely read my mind, she asked if she could have the boys spend the night with her last Friday. This demonstrates how in tune with me my mom is. She must know very well how hard it is for her daughter to flat out ask for help or a break, and so she disguises her offer of exactly that as a request for special grandma time, which I certainly can't turn down.

Thursday, I get an email from NS! My heart simply leapt for joy when I saw that little mail alert pop up. Nothing profound was said, but it was such a relief to just have contact once again.

Of course, that all got even better when he was able to call me on Friday. We talked for a while about how they'd gotten screwed and how I hadn't really been delusional in thinking that I should have heard from him about a week before I actually did. We just chatted and did as much catching up as possible with the little time we had on the phone.

Friday evening, my boys went with my mom, and I had a relaxed dinner watching what I wanted to watch on t.v. without any interruption.

Saturday didn't turn out to be the sleep in day that I had thought it would be, but I woke up well-rested and spent time online with NS for a lot of the day. I shared pictures from Christmas and of my big belly. He said the only thing people should be allowed to say to pregnant women, that I was beautiful. Of course, he brought on the tears with other sweet comments about wishing he could be here and by sending me a couple songs that he plays because they make him think of me (the most appropriate song for our situation, which is the one that had my cheeks soaked with tears and me excusing myself from our conversation to get some tissue when I listened to it, can be heard by clicking on the YouTube image below). I then ate dinner at my mom's and brought my boys home for the evening.



Sunday was a hermit day because both boys were sickly (J had started it Thursday night but acted like he felt much better by Friday afternoon) and not really able to eat anything solid, but it was also an easy day because they wanted to do nothing other than hang out with me on the couch watching movies.

So, my weekend was not filled with breaking up fights or repetitively ordering the boys to return to bed, and in fact, I had a lot of simple downtime, even when my boys were back home. I also got some quality, real-time contact with my husband and reassurances that he will be returning home as scheduled early-mid February (should be just a couple more weeks now), which I really, really needed. It also helped a lot that over the week, the boys stopped staying up 3-4 hours after they went to bed; we're not at an ideal sleep-time yet, but I'll take a reduction from 3-4 hours to 1-1.5. Yeah, I'll definitely take that as a reason to be happy;>

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

So much better...

I felt I needed to put up a quick update to let y'all know I am doing so much better. Even though my boys were sick most of the past 5 days, I had a great weekend that lifted my spirits tremendously. I'll write more about why this week.

Monday, January 14, 2008

Not so good...

Me, that is. Thank you all for your hugs and kind words. I'm still feeling very down most of the time. I think the last time I felt like I had a good day was around Christmas time.

I know my pregnancy hormones are compounding normal emotions into unbelievably out of control ones, and it sucks to just feel like I don't know what to do. I want to hide under a blanket so that my boys don't have to deal with me all the time. While the stuff they do to irritate me would irritate me regardless (like staying up until midnight every night, which I was letting slide until they started whining and fighting more during their waking hours), I just don't feel like I have the energy or patience to handle it calmly or rationally right now. I end up crying or screaming or both, more often alternating between both in the same night. I feel bad that they're stuck in this house with their crazy-acting pregnant mommy. I don't want them to get to a point where they have to walk on eggshells around me because they don't know if continuing to do what they're doing will make me upset to the point of being mad or to the point of sobbing, but would it really kill them to obey a request to lay down and be quiet so they can fall asleep before the tenth time, if even then? Too bad they can't put themselves in my place and realize that if they asked me for something ten times, and I continued to ignore them, they'd have been in meltdown tantrum mode after three.

So, basically, I'm not feeling much better, and I think I might just be feeling worse than I was the last time I posted. Thanks for being here for me. Posting will likely continue to be sparse until I am feeling slightly more myself.

Friday, January 04, 2008

Lonely...

I'm feeling lonely. I thought being reduced to nothing but back and forth emails sucked, especially when there's often a delay, but not being able to get any email in response to mine sucks so much worse.

The more fun part of pregnancy is happening now, and I have no way to share it with anyone. I can write about it and talk about it, but the reality of it is that I spend my days by myself working at home and my nights sitting by myself. Those are the most eventful parts of the day for the baby, the times when I'm alone, and it's impossible for anyone to enjoy it with me right now. The boys are interested and try to participate, but they just can't be waiting around until 11 o'clock at night to feel the baby kicking and watch him move in my belly. And, really, even if they could, it would never be the same as sharing these things with NS.

Baby Woo-Woo hasn't heard his daddy's voice yet and won't get to for probably at least another month. I don't know why all this stuff is overwhelming me all of a sudden...maybe it all gets back to being on the supplying end of one-sided emails for the past few weeks. It's one thing to wait a couple days to get an email; it's something else altogether to know there isn't a reply email coming at all. I also feel obligated to keep the emails I send fun and light-hearted because no matter how much I vent or complain about something, he can't respond to any of it right now to make me feel better, and I don't want him to feel helpless like that. That's why the email I just sent him says that I can't think of anything I really want to write about other than to say I love him and miss him while I then write this here. I just wish I knew when they were getting to the next port. I know it's this month, but I don't know when, so I can't even count down the days until the next contact.

I'm in a miserable mood. I think it's time to go to bed.

Thursday, January 03, 2008

There are a couple of future-women that will thank me someday...

Now that it's more than a week after Christmas, you probably thought the post-Christmas wrap-up blog posts would be over and done. Haha...not with procrastinators like me keeping blogs;>

Yesterday, I posted all the photos from our holiday celebration to Flickr. Today, I write about what awesome boyfriends and husbands my boys will make someday.

Other than trains, what might my boys' favorite present be? The gourmet kitchen, of course. I spent about three hours Christmas Eve assembling the plastic pieces that arrived in two enormous boxes a month ago. It still wasn't completely secured by the time I gave up at four in the morning because I didn't have the muscle necessary to continue gripping the screwdriver while trying to plow through the remaining pre-drilled holes barely visible dents in the industrial-strength plastic. It wasn't going to collapse without the added security of those screws, so I took the pictures and collapsed in my bed. The effort paid off a million times over when I stepped out of the shower Christmas morning to find they had woken up and immediately made themselves at home in their kitchen. They spent a couple hours that morning preparing meals for each other, J being careful to add just a touch of fresh-ground pepper to his creation.

Our next stop that day was my mom's house. There, the boys received a couple of very useful gifts, hand-held vibrating massagers that they'd had fun playing with at the store a few days before. No, not those kind of hand-held vibrating massagers...what kind of people do you think we are?!? Those cutesy things that are often thrown up on a display around this time of year along with other randomness that someone, somewhere might appreciate as a token of thoughtfulness should they wind up being a recipient. My first thoughts were, "Perfect. Mama could use a massage!"

I also received the gifts they had picked out for me while shopping with my mom. Tell me these boys aren't learning to be the kind of gift-givers women have fantasies about. They each chose a pair of earrings for me as well as a pretty silver necklace with a heart-shaped pendant that included changeable hearts to match a variety of clothing. J even chose the appropriate heart to go with my sweater today.

So, my boys are getting used to being gourmet chefs who give massages and choose jewelry as gifts for the important women in their lives. Sorry, ladies, they're only four; you've got a while before their eligible bachelors;>

Tuesday, January 01, 2008

Because the only thing I should be doing instead is cleaning...

While catching up on blog-reading over the past few days, I came across a unique way to answer some questions. Since I still had my iTunes open from adding some new holiday music, I decided I could do this one. An easy way to post something, at the very least.

Here's how it works:
1. Put your iTunes on Shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. You must write that song name down no matter what.

Q. What would best describe your personality?
A. "Time After Time" by Chet Baker (Mabye I'm consistent?)
Q. If some one says it's okay you say...
A. "You Want This" by Janet Jackson (Sounds a bit conceited.)
Q. What do you like in a guy/girl?
A. "Armageddon It" by Def Leppard (Treat every day with me as if it might be the last? Certainly sounds like a good idea.)
Q.How do you feel today?
A. "Stars on the Water" by Jimmy Buffett (Like a boat among many boats scattered in the darkness of the sea, floating aimlessly? Maybe.)
Q.What is your life's purpose?
A. "Lovely Cruise" by Jimmy Buffett (While I think it shouldn't play the same artist back to back on shuffle, I think this one is very fitting.)
Q. What is your motto?
A. "I Shall Believe" by Sheryl Crow (Definitely, as in I shall believe that everything has a purpose.)
Q. What do your friends think of you?
A. "Tonight, Tonight" by Smashing Pumpkins (Like they're reading my thoughts about my plans to call or email? Sure.)
Q. What do you think of your friends?
A. "It's Alright" by Jay-Z (Yep. It's always alright with friends.)
Q. What do you think of your parents?
A. "In America" by Creed (Um, well, yeah, I suppose this applies.)
Q.What do your parents think of you?
A. "La Fiesta" by Will Smith (They think I'm a party? Woo-hoo!)
Q. What do you think about very often?
A. "Smack My Bitch Up" by The Prodigy (I don't think so, but that was funny.)
Q. What do you think of your best friend?
A. "She Will be Loved" by Maroon 5 (So very, very true.)
Q. What do you think of the person you love?
A. "Trucker Hat" by Bowling for Soup (I've tried to make this fit, but I still can't get how this might apply.)
Q.What is your life story?
A. "Jimi Thing" by Dave Matthews Band (I hope not; it's kinda depressing.)
Q. What do you want to be when you grow up?
A. "Flat on the Floor" by Carrie Underwood (If this means I won't ever really grow up and will always be able to have fun like a kid does until I die, then I'm good with this.)
Q. What do you think when you see the person you love?
A. "Touch" by Amerie (Oh, yes! And I can't wait;>)
Q. What is your hobby/interest?
A. "Loser" by 3 Doors Down (That's just mean.)
Q. What will they play at your funeral?
A. "Hooch" by Everything (This would be hilarious.)
Q. What is your biggest secret?
A. "Roll On (Fold Mix)" by Sneaker Pimps (As in deodorant? Not now, but I have tried it.)