Monday, January 14, 2008

Not so good...

Me, that is. Thank you all for your hugs and kind words. I'm still feeling very down most of the time. I think the last time I felt like I had a good day was around Christmas time.

I know my pregnancy hormones are compounding normal emotions into unbelievably out of control ones, and it sucks to just feel like I don't know what to do. I want to hide under a blanket so that my boys don't have to deal with me all the time. While the stuff they do to irritate me would irritate me regardless (like staying up until midnight every night, which I was letting slide until they started whining and fighting more during their waking hours), I just don't feel like I have the energy or patience to handle it calmly or rationally right now. I end up crying or screaming or both, more often alternating between both in the same night. I feel bad that they're stuck in this house with their crazy-acting pregnant mommy. I don't want them to get to a point where they have to walk on eggshells around me because they don't know if continuing to do what they're doing will make me upset to the point of being mad or to the point of sobbing, but would it really kill them to obey a request to lay down and be quiet so they can fall asleep before the tenth time, if even then? Too bad they can't put themselves in my place and realize that if they asked me for something ten times, and I continued to ignore them, they'd have been in meltdown tantrum mode after three.

So, basically, I'm not feeling much better, and I think I might just be feeling worse than I was the last time I posted. Thanks for being here for me. Posting will likely continue to be sparse until I am feeling slightly more myself.

16 comments:

Jonathan said...

We are out here listening - even if we are on the other side of the world.

The internet can be a very lonely place, but it can also be the opposite if you look in the right places.

heather said...

first of all, i second jonathan.

second, you've probably already heard this but i swear it helps. set up a routine. for you and the boys. do the same things at the same time each day. as a working mom you may have to have a slightly different routine for each day. make sure part your routine includes play time with the boys and some quiet time by yourself. after a while you can do the things that need to be done on autopilot and household chores etc don't pile up to add to the depression. and talk to your doctor. s/he may have other suggestions for you to try.
((hugs))

Susan said...

Take your time, woo..and don't forget to stop and breathe.

fringes said...

Children are very forgiving. Scream at them one minute and they are loving you all the same. Try to relax and maybe ignore them a little. We're here if you need to vent.

Churlita said...

I second and third everything everyone else has said.

You might also think about talking to your ob dr to see if they can help you through the hormones and sadness. I used to work in a clinic and it's something your doctor should be able to help you with.

NoRegrets said...

And, actually, writing about it on your blog should give you some relief, so don't hesitate to do so.
Maybe you should get a babysitter for one night and go out and treat yourself well.

Celebrate Woo-Woo said...

jonathan - Thank you.

heather - We do have a routine, but I'm thinking it just isn't the right one for us. The household stuff is causing me a lot of frustration, and it just feels like I'm in an endless circle with it...the best time I have to tackle that stuff is after the boys go to bed, but then they don't go to bed as easily as they used to, and by the time they're settled for the night, I have no energy to lift a finger. I took a nap before I picked them up from school today, and I think I might get at least a couple things done tonight. If I can do this every night for the rest of this week, then I'll be in good shape around here again.

susan - I've been doing a lot of inhaling and exhaling lately;>

fringes - I know they still love me dearly. Part of what has gotten to me lately is seeing the concern in their eyes when they know I've been crying. At least I can always get a hug when I need one.

churlita - Thanks. I will definitely bring this all up at my next appointment if the cloud doesn't break up soon.

noregrets - I think writing this last night, just letting it out of my head, has helped tremendously in lifting my spirits a bit today. I'm very much leaning towards enlisting my mom for the boys to have a weekend at grandma's.

Thank you all so very much.

Chebbles' Mama said...

Hey Woo --

I have some different advice. Is it possible for you to abandon your children for a time? Is it financially feasible to hire a sitter for an afternoon and evening out? Or ask a friend or parent to take them so you can do something overnight??

Get the hell out of there, woman!

Also, just so you know, it's OK to drink a glass of wine every so often. That really helps me chill the hell out, and the baby seems to like it too. I know that's not PC, but it's fully authorized by my OB.

We're also OK at this point to have our hair highlighted. I know this also sounds ridiculous, but I am SO WITH YOU in these feelings you're having -- everything is high anxiety after a pregnancy loss, then coupled with a NS daddy and the pregnancy hormones? Damn, woman!!! So anyway, I'm having my hair highlighted and cut next week, and I'm LIVING FOR THAT MOMENT that I can escape my kid, my fears, my life irritants, and everything else and just pretend like I'm a normal lady having her hair highlighted and reading "Us Weekly."

I'm with you, sister. Thank you also for telling me the name of your Angel Baby -- it's surprisingly close to the name we're most partial to. I like to think it would be a little shout-out to you too, Woo.

Celebrate Woo-Woo said...

chebbles' mama - I've been back and forth on whether or not I need my mom to take them for a break; I've also considered taking a sick day from work because it does sort of feel like I just need a little break from everything I'm responsible for. I'm doing alright in the color department, but I need a cut and style like you wouldn't believe. I think I'll give the salon a call to see if they have any appointments for this weekend and then get my mom to watch the boys for at least that much.

You're very welcome for the name-sharing.

Celebrate Woo-Woo said...

Oh, and it seems to be becoming more and more known that a glass of wine every so often is totally okay during pregnancy, especially in this last trimester. And, thank you for relating to this. I have never been so out of my mind like this with my prior pregnancies, and now I feel like I know why this one has brought it out. We're planning (haha...might be nice of us to intentionally get pregnant for once;>) another one after this, and I just hope I can't get more cuckoo than I've been this time.

heather said...

a nap durring the day sounds perfectly reasonable and healthy. and i agree that seeing if your mom can take the boys for a bit could help as well. two young children is a mental and physical workout by itself. add a pregnancy and ns's being away to the mix doesn't make it any easier.

Eunice said...

*hugs*

I know your boys know that you are not yourself. Hopefully, you will get back to feeling that way soon. Pregnancy is tough enough without the added feelings you've been experiencing.

Victoria said...

Hugs

Tera said...

Just take a deep breath...It'll get better soon, promise!

FENICLE said...

Hang in there!! I know it's a long road...but you will make it. You're a strong woman.

Cagey said...

I had a hard time this last pregnancy, too.

Just keep your eye on the prize - that sweet,sweet baby will be here before you know. It will be worth, as you already know.

Hang in there! :-)