Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Letting go...

Suffocate Cartoons from cartoonstock.comI read a post this morning from no regrets about the need to just let go and cry sometimes, preferably while no one else is around. I couldn't agree more.

NS and I were watching a few minutes of Power of 10 last week. One of the questions was: "What percentage of women have cried in front of their bosses?" NS seemed to think this percentage would be incredibly high, like 85+% high, even accounting for the strongest of probabilities that the people answering these survey questions are lying through their teeth or are in serious denial about themselves. I, being a woman, didn't think it would be that high, not with the question being "in front of their bosses". In front of co-workers? Sure; I'd give that a higher percentage, but in front of their bosses? Nuh-uh. I have never cried in front of a boss but have in front of co-workers. NS surprised me when he said I wasn't a crier, implying my perception was skewed. I was surprised because I do think I am a crier...just mostly alone crying.

I have cried the past two nights, unbeknownst to anyone but myself. Why have I cried? I think I finally realized last night that I just had to let go. I've not been myself lately. I don't think I'm smiling very often; I'm not very affectionate, especially with NS, which makes me feel awful; I seem to be struggling each day to just survive. I tried to let a little emotion slip through the past two nights, but in doing so, I opened the flood gates for all kinds of emotion, particularly the emotion I've been trying to suppress every single second of every day for the past 7 weeks. The problem is that the energy it takes to suppress the emotion I'm afraid to feel is suppressing every other emotion I have and has made me an unpleasant person to be around.

You see, I am trying so hard to not feel utterly terrified about this pregnancy. It didn't really hit me until this past weekend as we were moving to our new place. All day, even though I did no heavy lifting (or even moderate lifting...I packed and unpacked and put away), I kept thinking: "Am I doing too much?" "Should I do this?" "Is my body trying to tell me to quit?" And, when I felt a twinge in my lower abdomen Saturday night and felt the aches in my muscles Sunday morning, my concerns were not eased. Yet, I said nothing...because I don't want to be afraid. Instead, I waited until I was alone yesterday morning to use my handy doppler to reassure my worries. It was all so overwhelming, not only because I was constantly being berated by those nagging questions, but because I finally realized how scared I am to not have any control over what happens to my body in the next several months and how devastated I am at just the mere thought of losing another baby. It's as though I subconsciously decided to control my emotions since I couldn't control my body, but that has totally backfired because I now feel so distant from the happiness I want and should feel.

Last night, I finally realized that even though it will mean feeling the emotions I don't want to feel, I need to let go of that control so I can feel human again. And, maybe even experience some of that happiness I've been missing out on lately.

Thursday, September 06, 2007

Sounds of reassurance...

The zombie life is getting to be a bit more than boring. I'm still incredibly tired most of the time. Being so sleepy makes me feel very lazy, and the fact that my hair and skin are oil slicks that might very well be dangerous to some unsuspecting souls compounded with that lazy feeling just has me convinced I'm the ugliest woman walking the planet. Did I mention the acne? Because we know that can only serve to up my attractiveness factor. But, that's about as much as I've got as far as complaints go, and I'll take a few months of feeling like a frumpy, dumpy, puffy pregnant lady over not having another baby every minute of every day right now.

So, last Thursday was the real doctor appointment. The doctor was great, very perky and happy and understanding. She answered half the questions I'd written down before I had a chance to ask, which was just awesome. We also got an ultrasound, which I was totally not expecting. The appointment before this was left as we would "hear the hearbeat", not "see the baby". Unfortunately, the real ultrasound machine was in use the entire time we were there, so the doctor finally had to bring in the portable one. While it provided enough detail for us to see the baby, including some cute legs bent at the knees and crossed at the ankles, it was not great clarity. Baby measured perfectly at 10 weeks, 4 days (actually a day ahead), and looked perfect. Because the machine was not so super, we didn't get to hear anything or find out how fast the heart was beating, but we still got a picture, as fuzzy as that picture may be...at least I know what it shows;>

Late last week, I rented a fetal doppler from storkradio.com. It's an open-ended monthly rental, so I'll be charged each month until I return it. It arrived last night. The heartbeat was easy to find once I placed the wand on my left side instead of my right. This will bring some welcome reassurance during those weeks between doctor appointments. The boys were too funny with their comments about it. They asked excitedly if I was going to make the baby come out; when NS and I both said, "No. The baby won't be coming out for a while," they moved right on to telling me that I was just making the baby's heart come out (that was J's conclusion; he convinced M of this). No need to correct that...afterall, I was making the sound of the baby's heart come out;> I brought it to work today since I'm having dinner at my mom's house tonight and know she's desperate to know something about this kid's heartrate. Three of the ladies here had a great time listening with me this morning. The beating was much faster this morning than last night, and baby definitely moved a bit during this show, so I guess someone was resting last night when we listened.

Anyone interested in packing up my office? I start working from home next week. I never thought I'd be able to utter those words while working for someone else.