Tuesday, November 13, 2007

The way of life...

Part of being a cognitive being with the ability to retain memories of past events and experiences is that we can use what we learn from those past events and experiences to make decisions in our present and future with hope that the decisions will be better.

At times unfortunately, living in a world of cause and effect means that our choices today will affect our future. Whether the impact is minor or substantial, positive or negative, is often hard to predict. A choice to eat a raw oyster could leave you spending a night in the bathroom. A choice to engage in unprotected sexual intercourse, even just one time, could leave you dealing with an incurable disease for the remainder of your life.

There are consequences to our actions, some of them are very grave. Sometimes the consequences seem such a high and unfair price to pay, but it does not make the consequences any less real or natural.

When you make choice after choice that sends you in one direction, on one path, despite the fact that your map and directions tell you you've gone the wrong way, the option to turn around and choose another path that was once there is not always available. Sometimes the path you came from has been destroyed as if it was never there. The paths available for us to follow now and in the future are marked by our choices in the past as well as in the present and future.

Three years of poor, misguided choices can change the next 80 years. One minute of lapsed judgement can change the next 80 years, too. Not every mistake or set of mistakes can be corrected; their effects cannot always be reversed. It is the way it is.


Nikki said...

Just as your choices will affect you and in this case your children for the rest of their lives (and I'm sorry, studies show that you can't issue a TPR and not have negative response and pain someday).

You too will have to take responsibility for those choices sooner or later - but you will absolutely have to answer for them. It doesn't matter what justification you use, you will never be able to honestly make your adult children agree with this - unless you brainwash them their entire growing up.

Dishonesty is dishonesty. Legalities are legalities. And once you have a TPR issued, it can't be taken back. There are better ways to achieve your goal than getting a TPR and you know that. You want a TPR for your own reasons that have nothing to do with who the children go to upon your death. I pray that your children do not judge your poor decision here as harshly as you've judged your ex-husband.

But then again, I believe in forgiveness, rebuilding and that children deserve MORE parents who love them not less. I also understand that people make mistakes and people change. I do that so that in return, I will be given the same respect and opportunities.

Apparently, you'll never do anything that you'll need a second chance on since you don't believe you owe anyone else that opportunity. You get what you give out.

Celebrate Woo-Woo said...

nikki - I understand my choices then and now and forever will affect me and others, just as my ex's choices affected me and others yet he has not accepted that per the conversation I last had with him.

You made a lot of judgements in that comment that you cannot know to be true.

You have no way to know how my children will feel in the future; I don't, either, but I know how I would feel in their position since I've been there. I can only hope that they will choose to understand why the choices were made as I have understood. I do happen to agree with the choices my mother made. There was no way to predict what the future would hold, but she did make the best decision based on the experience she had.

You presume to know why I feel the way I do. You have no way to know where my motivation comes from or that it is not precisely for the reasons I've outlined as you are not me. During this pregnancy, I have found myself more consumed with anxiety and worry than I ever have with any previous pregnancy. As the milestone of Baby Angel's diagnosed demise has passed this last week, I have become more inclined to believe that I really will have a baby next spring, and so the idea that I will be undergoing surgery to give birth to that baby has led me to contemplate what might happen to my children in the event of my death. As I stated in my previous post's comments, I am NOT determined to get the TPR. If I can in fact ensure that he will not be the boys' guardian upon my death or other form of incapacity by some other means, then that is the option I will choose to pursue. Since I've just begun my research on this specific aspect, I haven't found a lot to tell me how to do this in the United States. I found the exact answer to my question under Canadian law (which did not require a TPR), but I don't know yet whether or not it is similar here. I do know that the other part of what I want (parenting decisions such as education, religion, medical, etc. to be left to me) can be accomplished by changing our custody agreement to sole physcial and legal custody for me rather than the current arrangement of sole physical and joint legal.

Also, I believe that a second chance (as well as a third, fourth, fifth, etc.) has been granted to my ex already. We all stopped keeping track of how many chances I tried to afford him to change what he was doing, even explaining what it was he needed to do. I eventually gave up and moved on. Every step I've taken in moving on has been followed by him doing something to attempt to reinsert himself in our lives. When I started dating someone else, he began sending me gifts and calling incessantly. It eventually dropped off. When I got pregnant last year, the calls resumed frequency. Again, following no reciprocation from me as to my missing him or feeling we should still be together, they tapered off. When I married this year, the frequency of calls picked up once again and then the insistence of coming to visit the boys began. The way in which he spoke with me during our last phone call, and the message and tone of the message he left on my voicemail left me with a twisted feeling in my stomach. I would never have described him as a controlling or maniuplative person when I was married to him, before he left, but after our relationship began to crumble, I found out that he was viewed by others that way, including by his own mother, and I began to not be blinded by love and slowly see evidence of that part of his nature. It is a scary and crushing thing to come to realize.

Just as I cannot possibly begin to understand your history and therefore cannot say that you were not cheated out of something you should have been allowed to have, you cannot know my history or the history of my relationship with my ex, and you definitely don't know more about him than what I write. While you may not be alone in feeling the way you feel about your experience, I am also not the only one who hasn't suffered the same ill effects as you and others did. I would never tell you or anyone else that they should feel differently about their experiences with their parents or that you should be in agreement with how your father and his wife chose to handle your relationship with your biological mother, but you shouldn't tell me that I can't be in agreement with how my mother chose to make decisions about my relationship with my biological father without having been brainwashed my entire childhood and that my children will never be able to agree with what I may do without my brainwashing them. Not everyone able to procreate automatically has or develops the capacity to be responsible for that child's life. IFKAMH's own biological father never did and never has. As you said, the situation I grew up with doesn't always work out for roses; that applies to what you assume is the ideal way for my situation to be handled as well...those scenarios won't always work out for roses, either.

Tera said...

Not every mistake can be corrected...boy don't I know that to be true!