Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Letting go...

Suffocate Cartoons from cartoonstock.comI read a post this morning from no regrets about the need to just let go and cry sometimes, preferably while no one else is around. I couldn't agree more.

NS and I were watching a few minutes of Power of 10 last week. One of the questions was: "What percentage of women have cried in front of their bosses?" NS seemed to think this percentage would be incredibly high, like 85+% high, even accounting for the strongest of probabilities that the people answering these survey questions are lying through their teeth or are in serious denial about themselves. I, being a woman, didn't think it would be that high, not with the question being "in front of their bosses". In front of co-workers? Sure; I'd give that a higher percentage, but in front of their bosses? Nuh-uh. I have never cried in front of a boss but have in front of co-workers. NS surprised me when he said I wasn't a crier, implying my perception was skewed. I was surprised because I do think I am a crier...just mostly alone crying.

I have cried the past two nights, unbeknownst to anyone but myself. Why have I cried? I think I finally realized last night that I just had to let go. I've not been myself lately. I don't think I'm smiling very often; I'm not very affectionate, especially with NS, which makes me feel awful; I seem to be struggling each day to just survive. I tried to let a little emotion slip through the past two nights, but in doing so, I opened the flood gates for all kinds of emotion, particularly the emotion I've been trying to suppress every single second of every day for the past 7 weeks. The problem is that the energy it takes to suppress the emotion I'm afraid to feel is suppressing every other emotion I have and has made me an unpleasant person to be around.

You see, I am trying so hard to not feel utterly terrified about this pregnancy. It didn't really hit me until this past weekend as we were moving to our new place. All day, even though I did no heavy lifting (or even moderate lifting...I packed and unpacked and put away), I kept thinking: "Am I doing too much?" "Should I do this?" "Is my body trying to tell me to quit?" And, when I felt a twinge in my lower abdomen Saturday night and felt the aches in my muscles Sunday morning, my concerns were not eased. Yet, I said nothing...because I don't want to be afraid. Instead, I waited until I was alone yesterday morning to use my handy doppler to reassure my worries. It was all so overwhelming, not only because I was constantly being berated by those nagging questions, but because I finally realized how scared I am to not have any control over what happens to my body in the next several months and how devastated I am at just the mere thought of losing another baby. It's as though I subconsciously decided to control my emotions since I couldn't control my body, but that has totally backfired because I now feel so distant from the happiness I want and should feel.

Last night, I finally realized that even though it will mean feeling the emotions I don't want to feel, I need to let go of that control so I can feel human again. And, maybe even experience some of that happiness I've been missing out on lately.

11 comments:

NoRegrets said...

Yup. That's the problem. Can't have the good without the 'bad'. But it is better than being a zombie.

It's a very real fear, and good to acknowledge it. Hopefully your doctor is keeping a close eye on you.

Victoria said...

*hugs*

Susan said...

((Hugs))

I'm sure he's there for you. You have every reason to feel what you're feeling...Don't bottle it up, woo..You know as well as I do that just makes things worse.

Tera said...

Woo, I have learned that letting it all out is quite cathartic! Emotions tend to go haywire while pregnant...things will get better :)

Dixie said...

((hugs))

heather said...

i wondered how long it would be before you let some of these fears out. honestly woo, i think i would have been a nutcase from day one. but remember this, ns was with you for the last pregnancy, and he will be with you through this one. he's got some of the same fears i'm sure, so talk to him about it as hard as it is. and maybe look into therapy or a support group. perhaps your dr will know of a support group. in the meantime know that alot of us outhere in blogland have you in our thoughts and prayers.

Belle - A Beauty livin with her Beast said...

tell him how you are feeling...it will help you get thru the feelings if he knows what is going on and not sitting back wondering what he is doing wrong. i know a friend of mine had several miscarriges and when she got preg the last time she got this; http://www.webmd.com/baby/Cervical-cerclage-to-prevent-preterm-delivery

Chebbles' Mama said...

Hey Woo -- that post could have been written by me, it is precisely what I've been experiencing lately. I can't imagine what pregnancy is like after fetal loss (not that miscarriage is a walk in the park), but my grief counselor has been on call the WHOLE TIME with this pregnancy, I tell you.
She said that women like you and I, pregnant after loss, are crossing a looooong rickety bridge, and because we've fallen through and been devastated before, we're especially wary. We can't trust the path anymore, and we have no idea if we're going to make it to the other side.

Please don't feel obligated to be happy. You'll make me (grumpy, out of sorts at all times, paranoid about everything) look bad! :-)

FENICLE said...

Sometimes you just need a good cry to get past it all...

heather said...

just checking in on you. :-)

zoot said...

(HUGS) - hang in there. There's nothing I can say to make the fear go away - and I can't even begin to acknowledge what you're going through, but I know that crying is never a bad thing when you feel like you need to do it. Hang in there.