Thursday, December 20, 2007

They are little individual people...

It is becoming very clear to me just how right other mothers were when they told me that 4 year-olds begin exhibiting individuality and independence...and that this year is the "terrible" year with twins rather than the twos. But, thankfully, among the many moments of frustration and blood-boiling and steam-spewing from my ears and times when I'd rather sit in the closet and bang my head against the wall while sobbing, there are the other moments that make me laugh and smile and just pause and reflect on how these little boys are such unique people, separate from me.

M is developing an amusing southern drawl. The boy has turned the word "that" into three syllables, usually when used at the end of a sentence. Makes me smile every single time I hear it. I have no idea how his accent is so strong because mine is certainly not.

Know who gags at the thought of raw tomatoes? Me. Know who loves them and eats them at every opportunity? My son, J. If he didn't have so many other qualities that do resemble me, I'd wonder where he came from.

Although I'm so grateful that this next bit is not about my own child, it totally made me laugh. When I dropped the boys off at school on Wednesday, two of the boys were having some sort of disagreement. As I was walking towards the door to leave, I hear one of the boys exasperatedly ask the other, "What the FUCK?!?" About half way through my hushed inquiry as to whether or not he just said what I think he said, I saw the wide-eyed looks of shock on the teachers' faces and immediately knew he did indeed just say what I thought he said. At least he used it in proper context;>

And, just for an extra bit of "awww" and because I need to document these types of precious thoughts, J has declared that he wants to be a daddy when he grows up. He says it so sweetly and sincerely that I get teary-eyed. As long as he doesn't make me a grandma in 10 years...

Monday, December 03, 2007

They've managed to keep Santa on their good side...

twin boys picture with SantaMy mom and I took the boys to see Santa yesterday. This is actually their first year doing the Santa visit, so I wasn't quite sure how they'd handle it or if they'd understand what they were supposed to do. I guess we did some decent prep work on them because they did great, and I do mean great. They sat right down in the sleigh next to Santa and happily told him they'd been good boys and what they wanted (thankfully, that hasn't changed from what they've been asking for all along). Then, they put on the charm for the pictures; the handful of people behind us kept ahhing and oohing and saying how precious they were;> The elf-lady took seven pictures of them, all of which turned out terrific. We had a hard time figuring out which few to get and in which package and ended up just buying the CD with all of them that included the copyright release, so now I can do whatever I want with them.

Of course, while I'm thrilled that this experience went so well, all the shopping (walking, standing, walking, standing...) we did brought on a miserable, all-day backache for me today. I've really been starting to rethink the wiseness of switching to flats while pregnant. Every time I've spent more than an hour or so on them, I end up with a pain in my lower back, although until this time it's always come the same night and been gone by morning and not been as achy. I guess that as this belly gets bigger, the aches that come will get worse, though. Oh well, I've got some less flat shoes in the mail to me now.

Friday, November 30, 2007

Does it have to happen?

pure white camelliaA couple mornings ago I read a story on petite anglaise's blog about her daughter calling her butt big. I couldn't help but chuckle, but I also tensed at the recounting of a small child calling her mother's rear fat and whale-like...and then laughing about it.

Then, zoot posted her links for the day last night, one of which included story on an after-school workshop for teen girls that is part of the Dove campaign for real beauty. I think it is wonderful that the message of altered images producing unattainable perfection for our viewing is being spread to teen girls, but something one of those girls in the clip said just struck me with such sadness. It was something like she was happy to have learned about this because now she doesn't feel like she needs to feel bad about herself all the time. I just couldn't help but wonder why she's felt she needs to feel bad about herself all the time before.

When does this happen to children? When do they lose the non-judgemental view of others? When do they start comparing themselves to everyone else? Does it have to happen?

I've taken for granted that my boys have never referred to someone's size as big or fat, save for adults as big people since adults are obviously so much bigger than they are, that they have never referred to someone by physical characteristics, such as hair or skin color, nor expressed a judgement of someone's appearance as ugly or pretty. People are simply called by name, and if the name is unknown, they are a baby boy/girl, little boy/girl, etc. I have never quite appreciated their innocent blindness so much; I just wish it would last forever.

Thursday, November 29, 2007

My watchdog...



My old grumpy doggie's still got some cuteness in him, it seems. I had to snap a few shots of this incidental pose last night before I went to bed. Him snuggling with M's puppy would probably have been enough cuteness to warrant the mini photoshoot, but the fact that the flashlight happened to be right there, too...it just made him look like the most adorable watchdog ever (albeit a sleeping one);>

I do have much more I'd like to post about, but I really need to take the time to email my husband and my mother-in-law tonight before I can't stay awake long enough to do either of them any justice. And, since tomorrow is the last day of NaBloPoMo, I'll be able to post what is on my mind and let it sit there all. weekend. long!

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

5 words in 5 links...

10 minutes left in the day...not cutting it close am I?

This took me quite a bit longer than I'd expected. I read a new meme posted on a fellow NaBloPoMo participant's blog this morning. I have positively loved some of the memes I've seen lately, like this one and that forgiveness one I did a couple nights ago.

*** INSTRUCTIONS: ***
1. Post 5 links to 5 of your previously written posts. The posts have to relate to the 5 key words given below.
2. Tag 5 other friends to do this meme. Try to tag at least 2 new acquaintances (if not, your current blog buddies will do) so that you get to know them each a little bit better.
3. Don’t forget to read the archived post and leave comments.

-------------------------------------------------------------

Link 1 is a little bit of FAMILY: My father's day post for NS.

Link 2 is a little bit of FRIEND: A little bachelorette partying with a wedding and some tattoos.

Link 3 is a little bit of YOURSELF: What better post about myself than an interview.

Link 4 should be YOUR LOVE: Remembering where it began, one year later.

Link 5 can be ANYTHING YOU LIKE: Memories of three years based on coins in my wallet.

Now, the task of tagging...and the decision of whether or not I want to. I'm naming some folks for this because I think it's an interesting meme, but y'all don't need to feel obligated to do this.

eslocura
zoot
no regrets
babybound
baby~amore'

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

I just couldn't delete it...


That stoned demon look on my son's face? That is what kept me from deleting this photo from my collection. I might be a little suspicious of the ingredients in those popsicles now, too.

I'm not alone in keeping pictures of my kids solely because of the oddness captured, am I?

Monday, November 26, 2007

Pardon me...

I read this forgiving meme last week and decided I just could not resist a chance to forgive myself a few things.

1. I forgive myself for not completing my college degree in favor of living life at the moment. It is still on my list of things to do before I die, though.
2. I forgive myself for feeling temporarily lost and out of sorts when NS is away.
3. I forgive myself for sometimes being a mean mom. My kids are better behaved for it, and they really do love me so much that I know I must not be as awful as being mean feels.
4. I forgive myself for having to work full-time and relying on others to help raise my children.
5. I forgive myself for being a lazy (and crazy;>) pregnant lady. I just hope everyone who has to put up with me does, too.
6. I forgive myself for being hesitant to believe this baby will really be born next year. I know I'm not alone in this fear, which helps.
7. I forgive myself for eating what I can when I can and choosing not to stress over the weight I gain during pregnancy.
8. I forgive myself for planning to move away from my mom. She is the only reason it will be hard to adjust to a move so far from where we are now.
9. I forgive myself for continuing to keep the secrets about my dad from my mother. What happened then is in the past and would do nothing but cause unnecessary pain and/or guilt for her if it were brought into the present.
10. I forgive myself for letting a mouse continue to share our home. Considering I have no clue where he's coming from, it would probably prove difficult to catch him. I also doubt that I would be able to keep others from coming in even if I could get rid of this one. He's been warned to stick to the bag of chips he's already found and to not bring any friends or family in with him. As long as he keeps to himself, meaning that he stays in his little corner of the pantry with the tortilla chips and doesn't start traipsing across the countertops or leaving messes for me to clean up, then we can live in harmony.

Sunday, November 25, 2007

Eye opener...

I've actually been giving the NaBloPoMo Randomizer a whirl over the past couple nights, and I came across this lady's blog. She posted on Thanksgiving about weight and bodies, which also included a few links. One of those landed me at Kate Harding's BMI Project. Not only is it valuable to be able to see real people examples of each of the BMI categories, it is incredibly revealing of how misguided our means of measuring health is.

Saturday, November 24, 2007

Looks like I'm heading in the right direction...

American Cities That Best Fit You:

75% Seattle

65% Denver

60% Honolulu

60% Los Angeles

60% Miami


I wonder how many cities are in the list. Eunice got a few different ones than I did when she did hers. I can't believe Seattle was such a good fit, but I'm glad it is.

Friday, November 23, 2007

It's not nice to judge...

Jesus H Christ driver's licenseThanks to red for reminding me of my rant on this topic during a conversation with NS several weeks ago and giving me another post for NaBloPoMo;>

Whose bright idea was it to create arbitrary rules about asking for ID when purchasing alcohol or tobacco to include some random older age?

Just to be clear, I'm referring to those signs that say something like, "If you appear under the age of 27, we ask for identification for tobacco purchases." That would be age 30 for alcohol. Why? Why would anyone think it's wise to insult people's age? Why put your cashiers in the awkward position of having to judge your customers' appearance like that? Why the 9-year gap between the legal age and the must-appear age? So, although I am 27, if I don't get carded for buying a bottle of wine, I am to assume that I appear to be over 30. Nice. Let me run back and grab a few more bottles then. Thanks for your erroneous assessment of my youth.

Personally, I think the only acceptable policy on asking for identification is to ask for it from everyone every time. The signs could read, "We don't care about the gray hair or the wrinkles that appear to be scaled to Grand Canyon size, we can't know how old someone is without asking for identification. Take it as a compliment, and be prepared with your ID when you bring tobacco or alcohol to the register."

Thursday, November 22, 2007

A time to be thankful...

cornucopiaLast Thanksgiving, I would never have thought my life would be where it is now in just one year...not only married, but married and expecting a baby. While every pregnancy is a miracle, I can't help but laugh when I think about how much time NS has had to spend at sea this year and how miraculous it is that we managed to procreate during one of the short homecomings.

So, I have much to be thankful for this Thanksgiving:

* A wonderful husband, without whom I would not be living as happily as I am
* Two awesome little boys, who push me to the edge of my patience and beyond but always manage to make me smile and feel loved and full of love
* For these past few holiday seasons, when NS hasn't been able to be with me, I have been close enough to my family so that I have people with whom to share the good times
* We are no longer living in limbo of where we will be next year
* Because the company I work for has embraced the benefits of allowing its employees to work from home, I won't have to worry about finding a new job when we move
* Baby Woo-Woo, who is alive and kicking and growing bigger and stronger every day
* The internet, which allows me to connect to people when I need them, get information when I need it, and maintain my sanity

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Almost as important as the shoes...

I could have just pretended not to have read heather's post, but since I kind of love purses handbags, I really didn't mind accepting the blanket tag for the "What's in your bag?" meme.

Now that I've taken pictures of my remaining stock (I did my charitable part in the last move), I know I still own 24 of these wonderful accessories. Shall we begin?

First, we have the tiny collection, which includes a little silver tote with gray handles adorned with pink sequins, a gold 3-sided zip clutch, a small creamy off-white over-the-shoulder bag, a black velvet top-clasp bag I bought for my senior prom in high school (it went perfectly with my black velvet dress), a sexy black lace clutch, and an awesome casual navy-turquoise-lime-forest-mustard-white canvas bag from Old Navy.

purses

Next in the line are two bags I got from gift sets at Victoria's Secret. One is a pink with tan trim, and the other is a cool black with metallic silver lips emblazoned on the front. Sitting next to these two is a chocolate brown rattan bag with bamboo handles, which is also captured in the next set.

purses

Along with the chocolate rattan is a smallish bronze faux croc bag (I have a pair of shoes to match, too), a black tote with white-seamed ribbons, a white with black trim satchel, a faux croc in chocolate brown with a great silver ring on the flap, and a tan with white trim bag.

purses

Moving down the shelf, there's a magenta faux croc double-handled bag, a perfectly pink bag, and my token red bag with patent red trim and handles.

purses

Finally, at the end of the shelf we find my turquoise faux croc (um, I might have a faux croc addiction), a deep dark purple bag, my white Coach bag that NS bought me for my birthday this year, and my white and tan Kathy Van Zeeland bag with gold chain embellishments.

purses

Oh, but that's not all (if you've counted, you know that's only 21 out of 24); that's just what's on the shelf. The other three have been in recent use so are not on the shelf at the moment.

First, my silver bag. Can't you imagine how well this pairs with gray clothing to remove the dull factor? It also came with it's own metallic silver clutch that fits inside.

purse

My most recent purchase is the navy-hued suede-ish Kathy Van Zeeland. It's lined in pretty pink, y'all (not to mention the faux croc trim); I was in love;>

purse

Finally, we have the bag that's been filled with contents this week, my black Kathy Van Zeeland, who is without a doubt my favorite handbag designer.

purse

Now, for the point of this whole meme...to show you what is in these bags:

The phone


Treo 650

A palm tree checkbook and a cheapo pen, which is not at all my favorite pen


checkbook

Some In the Mix Sugar & Lime fragrance that makes me feel positively edible in a very good way


fragrance

My chapstick and a lipgloss


lip wear

The wallet (ah, yes, another Kathy item)


wallet

And, of course, the car, house, and mail box keys


keys

Well, I hope it was all that you hoped it would be. If you want to participate, then you should!

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

I must stop this...

This being putting off my daily post until there are only 20 minutes left in the day.

So, in the interest of the time crunch, I can only offer a preview of what's to come in the next few days.

Tomorrow: A purse meme, which will include photos!
Thursday: Well, it must inevitably be the Thanksgiving post;>
Friday: My thoughts on the carding procedures stores use for alcohol and tobacco purchases.

Now, it's time to say good night. Sleep tight, y'all.

Monday, November 19, 2007

Contact...

NS was able to reach me on Saturday but only very briefly as he was calling from his cell phone in Tunisia, which is in northern Africa. Today, we had fun trying to get connected while he was able to use someone else's computer since my laptop apparently has everything I need except a built-in microphone. Guess I'll be putting that on my shopping list of things to get soon, so we won't have any issues when he gets to the next port.

It was good to be able to hear his voice even though I didn't have much to talk about as there hasn't been much excitement in my world the past few days since I'd last emailed him. I was even able to send him a few pictures I'd snapped in the past couple weeks.

I didn't even remember until just as I began to write this post that today is the second anniversary of our first date. I feel incredibly lucky and grateful right now.

Sunday, November 18, 2007

I'd die without you...

I was going to drone on about how I can't seem to make it through to the end of NaBloPoMo without suffering from the hugs and kisses of my germ-toting offspring, but then I read a post jonniker wrote about the first blogs home pages she read and found herself pulled into these other people's lives strictly by way of the world wide web.

Can I confess something? Of course I can; this is my blog;>

I am struck with a pang of sadness each time I scroll down this page far enough to see mist1's name. It's been two months since there's been a post there, but I'm just not yet ready to give up. Since the hiatus was not formerly announced, I feel my death-grip on optimism and hope is still quite justifiable. I can't delete her link from my sidebar. Since Google Reader entered my world and began providing for nearly all my blog-reading needs, I rarely use my sidebar as a means to check on my fellow bloggers. Even if there's nothing recent there, I can't imagine anyone would be disappointed to have clicked on that link to mist1. My reasons for missing her are admittedly selfish; I just miss the way her posts would make me laugh in the morning like I had some special secret world-uplifting pocket tool with me anytime I was at a computer.

We bloggers love our fellow bloggers. Part of the addiction to blogging is connecting with people you would very likely have never known existed otherwise. Deep down, we know not every blog we enjoy reading will always continue to exist, and we know that sometimes the blogs just can't be as important when they're living their lives, but who of those that we faithfully read would we feel like a tortured victim of a finger-removal if they just stopped blogging (oh, the horror!)? I'll share three of mine.

First, along similar lines of my sorrow over the lack of mist1 in my Google Reader, I can't imagine a blogging world without killer and liz. I need their senses of humor in my life. I need to read posts about balls and gynecology all in one convenient place...don't you? You know you do; don't even think about denying it.

Second, well, it's fringes. Our paths crossed last year during our mutual NaBloPoMo adventures. I can't help but feel a genuine connection with someone like her, someone who will put her all into a post when she feels something needs to be said. I pray for her and her family's happiness; I squeal when she accepts a marriage proposal; I cry when she wonders if people really still give a damn about interracial couples. I feel like I'd be just as willing to make my way to Texas if she was in need as I would to rush to Georgia for my best friend.

Third, speaking of women I'd have an overwhelming desire to lend a hand to because of a virtually-formed friendship, susan's on that list, too. I need to know that she's okay, that she's still alive and surviving life with all its ups and downs. I wish nothing more than for all her dreams to come true someday.

By the way, I'm not suicidally obsessed over any of these bloggers. The title of this post is just fitting enough considering I've been having that song by P.M. Dawn popping into my head at several random moments for the past few days;> And, also, there are way more than three bloggers that I'd have to go through a grieving and mourning process over if/when they stop blogging.

Saturday, November 17, 2007

Living by the light of electronics...

light bulbYou know what happens when your husband is gone? Your car battery dies while you have no clue where the cables to jumpstart it are*, and one by one, all the light bulbs burn out.

Since we moved here a couple months ago, we have had a growing issue with light bulb retention. The few that had quit already (both in the kitchen and the one in the downstairs hallway) were replaced by NS before he left. Of course, that wouldn't prevent more from becoming useless after he left. Something tells me that climbing on a ladder to change lightbulbs on my ceilings and at the top of the staircase or outside in the grass is not really a chore I should take on in my current state of gestation. The problem is I fear I may become quite dependent on the glow emitted from our various electronics in the coming months.

As it stands now, the dining room (which happens to also supply light to the living room in the evening...dinner should prove to be an interesting experience now), the top of the staircase, and the front stoop are darkened. I'm crossing my fingers that the boys' toy room and the bathrooms can maintain their artificial glow until February since they're not really lamp-friendly.

I guess now's a good time to be grateful for my lack of enthusiasm for anything other than natural light;>

* AAA is awesome, by the way. They promptly attended to my jumpstart needs and even told me they had a service to come to me and replace my battery if I needed them to.

Friday, November 16, 2007

Transformations...

belt buckleI've always maintained that I like all types of music...except country. My acceptance has gradually grown in the last decade to a certain level of actually embracing this once forbidden-in-my-presence genre.

It began when my best friend gave up on her hatred and went in quite the opposite direction, like 5 out of 6 presets on her radio became country stations. So, whenever I rode with her in her car, I had to build a tolerance for this music that I used to feel hurt my ears, as in physically caused pain in my ears...I really thought they might bleed.

Then, I went with her a few times to go line-dancing. This changed my mind about country music from "tolerable during a car ride around town" to thinking it was fun. I love me some line-dancing;> But, still, I only had a desire to hear the stuff if there was line-dancing involved, and so the slow, serious songs still made me want to retreat into a quiet corner of my mind.

Next, there was my introduction to iTunes and its free weekly downloads, which at one time included a song by a chic named Ashley Monroe called Satisfied. No line-dancing routine for this song, no silly bubba talk, yet I liked this song and added it to the library. One song does not make me a fan, though.

Well, it seems NS got on a country music kick while at sea last month. One day, the day we found out Baby Woo-Woo was indeed a boy, he blasted nothing but country music, save for maybe one song, through the living room, so he could hear it while doing some work outside. I guess the hours of exposure to songs that made me laugh, made me smile, and made me sway my hips converted me over to the other side, to the side of someone who could no longer claim any sort of contempt for country music.

I found myself this afternoon getting some new music to put on my iPod. One of the songs on one of the lists was by Carrie Underwood. That's when I found it, the song I've been playing for about an hour now...Before He Cheats.

I certainly don't like all country music, but I don't like all of any other genre, either. I am definitely drawn to strong voices, like Carrie Underwood's and Josh Turner's. I'm also quickly gaining a fondness for Miranda Lambert's Crazy Ex-Girlfriend.

Anyone got good suggestions to further my transformation into a cowgirl? ;>

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Even a sentence counts...

Considering my eyelids have begun to close without my permission or awareness, this will have to be enough today.

The boys' birthday and Christmas presents have started arriving on the big trucks and being dropped at the front door;> It's so exciting.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

How much to party...

birthday hatM and J have a birthday next month. They will be four years-old, which means they are at an age where I think they may actually be able to enjoy a party with their "friends". (I put that in quotes because they don't actually refer to anyone in the classes as friends or even talk about anyone in particular very often. One kid tried to declare J his best friend one morning as I dropped them off, and J denied this claim emphatically, saying that M and Mommy are his best friends. It was sweet and maybe kind of funny, but, damn, was that harsh...good thing the other child didn't seem too scarred by it.)

The thing is, I don't know that I'm up for this. Seeing as there are more than 8 kids in their classes, especially now that one has been able to move up to Pre-K while the other is stuck in transition from the preschool class until there's space in Pre-K, and I favor the idea of limiting attendance to one friend per year of the child's age (you know, kind of like time out duration;>), I am hesitant to have them try to pick who to invite.

Plus, I really don't know what to do for a "real" party. Having a real party would involve planning and invitations and reservations, and, gosh, it just seems so overwhelming anytime I try to think about it.

So, it might be another year of mom, grandparents, and maybe great-grandparents. I figure I've got through this weekend to decide.

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

The way of life...

Part of being a cognitive being with the ability to retain memories of past events and experiences is that we can use what we learn from those past events and experiences to make decisions in our present and future with hope that the decisions will be better.

At times unfortunately, living in a world of cause and effect means that our choices today will affect our future. Whether the impact is minor or substantial, positive or negative, is often hard to predict. A choice to eat a raw oyster could leave you spending a night in the bathroom. A choice to engage in unprotected sexual intercourse, even just one time, could leave you dealing with an incurable disease for the remainder of your life.

There are consequences to our actions, some of them are very grave. Sometimes the consequences seem such a high and unfair price to pay, but it does not make the consequences any less real or natural.

When you make choice after choice that sends you in one direction, on one path, despite the fact that your map and directions tell you you've gone the wrong way, the option to turn around and choose another path that was once there is not always available. Sometimes the path you came from has been destroyed as if it was never there. The paths available for us to follow now and in the future are marked by our choices in the past as well as in the present and future.

Three years of poor, misguided choices can change the next 80 years. One minute of lapsed judgement can change the next 80 years, too. Not every mistake or set of mistakes can be corrected; their effects cannot always be reversed. It is the way it is.

Monday, November 12, 2007

That time of year...

Christmas presentIt's the time of year when people start asking what I want for Christmas. NS was the first to put the pressure on, and I could only come up with one thing I'd like to have, a kneeling chair. He refuses to get me a chair for Christmas, said I should go ahead and get it but it cannot be my Christmas present. I've got nothing else tangible or purchaseable on my wishlist. Right now about the only thing I want if I can't have NS home for a Christmas (third Christmas as a couple, third one the Navy has made him spend on a boat) is to just be able to talk to him during that time. Since his laptop seems to have committed suicide, that may not be an easy feat.

What are you asking/hoping for Christmas? I need some ideas;>

Sunday, November 11, 2007

Going to be looking for answers...

Remember back when I was being all blog-lazy and taking, like, 3+ weeks to post and just ended up depressing myself with all my worry over the impending visit from IFKAMH? Yeah, well, that visit came as anticipated, and went surprisingly well. It was indeed awkward, but only for the adults. I'm certain we looked like a fully-functional family wandering the town those couple days.

I was able to meet with him and his mom without the boys the night they arrived. I walked out of the hotel feeling okay about the visit. While he still seemed to have a fantasy in his head of how the boys will someday feel like he is more their dad than NS, he acknowledged that he was nothing more than a tag-along visitor right now.

We (me, the boys, IFKAMH, his mom, my mom, my mom's husband...he's lucky I didn't try to drag in some other people since they offered, but like I said, the horrid dread had dissipated) went to breakfast and then to a local festival for a couple hours. The boys had a fabulous time getting pumpkins painted on their hand and arm and making hats and having mommy taking pictures of them the whole way until her battery died. We left with the mission to go shopping at the mall. On the way, NS sent me the text that told me he had gotten home. He met us at the mall. Oh my God! M and J became insanely happy and playful for him;> The shopping trip was followed with a disgusting dinner at one our favorite restaurants (flies, anyone?), and then we all went to our respective abodes.

The visit ended with a breakfast at the hotel; my mom was the only supplemental adult in attendance this time since NS had to work. It went fine until IFKAMH's mom decided she wanted to do a photo shoot. M was not too happy to have to take pictures on these other people's laps. It was just too early for him to be that unreserved.

So, all in all, we all agreed that with the exception of IFKAMH's mom trying to push M and J into contact with IFKAMH (she was encouraging hugs and kisses, which is just weird considering he is nothing more than an unknown guy in their eyes), the visit went much better than we'd all thought it would. No one completely overstepped their place, and no one screamed at or beat anyone else...what more could we have hoped for, right?

Well, I got a call from IFKAMH last Friday, the Friday before NS left for deployment. It started out alright enough, with him seemingly just wanting to see if the boys enjoyed Halloween. Then, the topic of his coming for another visit this month was brought up, and it was down a very steep hill from there.

He brought it up like this, "I hope I get to visit this month." My response, "When?" He wasn't actually bringing it up because he'd been making plans; he's just hoping he makes it back for another visit this month. That's when he said he thought he needed to come every month based on what I'd said about visits from him needing to be consistent. Oh, he means those conversations we had over 7 months ago. I simply said that while it would be good if he would be consistent, I don't think his visits are really that important. This is when the, "But, I'm their dad," argument began. I got so worked up during the phone calls (yes, plural, because I had to end a couple of them before I eventually had to put an end to the calls altogether) that evening, so I can't even remember everything he said that upset me. I do remember the first one that got him disconnected. It was shortly following my explanation that he is not their "dad" and that even a monthly weekend visit will not change that when there is someone in their lives that actually fulfills that role on a daily basis. He asked me what was wrong with me and if NS had brainwashed me. Yep, asked if I was brainwashed.

I chose to answer when he called back after that, advising that he should refrain from saying such idiotic things (I didn't use the adjective during the conversation, but we all know I certainly think it was an idiotic question). More heated arguments ensued, and I came to the conclusion that he is delusional; this is actually not a new conclusion for me, but I'd let up a little bit. He is delusional because he somehow recollects some moment (or maybe even moments?) where the boys knew who he was because they ran up to him with hugs and kisses. My breath escaped me for a second and rendered me speechless for another before I could ask if he was referring to the same visit for which I was present. Because, I think he is the only one that doesn't remember that they boys were obliging his mother's request for hugs and kisses on his behalf, and that there was even persistent and obvious resistance on Sunday, at least from M. That comment only demonstrates how little he knows of these boys. They are friendly and not likely to refuse requests from an adult, especially one whom is seemingly approved of by mommy and grandma.

When I finally listened to a voicemail he left me that night in between hang-ups and before I answered simply to tell him I would not continue speaking with him that night, I was left with a sinking feeling about the whole situation. I had optimistically, perhaps too much so, thought he'd accepted his place in their lives; his mom even made the comment that he'd complimented NS the night after they'd met. Apparently, it is an act. The message he left was something along the lines of I'd better not think I can just up and move away with them anywhere I want. And, it wasn't just the words that bothered me (because he's really got no legs to stand on with my upcoming move...a plane trip to VA or a plane trip to WA; there's nothing about our move that would prove to be an obstacle for his continuing to visit); it was really the threatening and controlling way he said it.

While my original thoughts on his involvement have evolved since I originally starting writing about them here, I really think I need to make some legal changes for my own peace of mind. I don't want our custody to be joint, even on paper; I don't want him to have rights as a parent that he cannot properly exercise. The thought of something happening to me and the boys then ending up in his care, taken away from NS, away my mom, away from the life they know and love, because he is technically their father...well, it scares me more than anything else, especially as I see that he has no concept of what it's like to be the one person responsible for any child every single day. I need to know how to make sure that doesn't happen. I could care less anymore if he wants to hang out and tag along for a weekend every month, but I am sickened by his visions of how these visits will eventually wear away the boys' bond with NS and how these visits somehow entitle him to some decision-making power in their lives because he's "involved". The person I spoke to on the phone that night did not seem to be the person that came to visit that weekend. I spoke with his mom on Thursday, and with her assertion that she kept him on a short leash and in line while he was here and told him she would kill him if he didn't do as she said, while meant to calm and comfort me, did very little of either.

Saturday, November 10, 2007

I don't actually have a penis...

but it's enlightening to read about how easy and fun my life would be if only I had a bigger penis.

In case that doesn't make it obvious, I've been bombarded by penis enlargement spam email lately. Speaking from a woman's point of view, these folks are full of crap.

Here are a few of the subject lines I've encountered recently:

Ask us how to achieve your true manhood. We've got an answer!
Hmmm...I'd have to say "true manhood" involves a bit more than increasing the size of your penis.

As your dic'k gets larger, no woman will say "no" [sic]
Let's pray the guy who might believe this will still accept "no" for an answer.

All that really matters for a hot woman, is a size of your dic'k! [sic]
Even hot women occasionally want more from a guy than to just be a big dick.

Friday, November 09, 2007

I need to buy stock in tissues...

I had another really emotionally turbulent day today.

My first sobbing jag teary-eyed spell was triggered by a baby/birth show, House of Babies. This particular episode was about pregnant women struggling with body image, to which I could completely relate. One of the midwives was commenting about how the couples with fathers who kissed and caressed and talked to the baby bellies had lower incidences of women feeling unattractive in their pregnant bodies. Of course, this just served to remind me of the fact that NS won't be able to see my belly for the next few months, let alone touch it or talk to it.

Thereafter, the remainder of my day was periodically interrupted by random crying. There was the same thoughts provoking the tears each time, the same ones that had me crying all day on Monday and partially on Tuesday, but I'm really not used to feeling so incredibly out of control with my emotions like this. It's difficult for me to just accept the hormonal imbalances and surges for drawing these overpowering reactions out of me and to just allow them to run their course. While I know what's going on is beyond my control and that it will pass as it always has, I still feel this overwhelming desire to "fix" it, to direct my focus on what I can be thankful for, because that is generally how I try to live my life.

I despise feeling like I must be insane as I'm crying over things that shouldn't make someone cry (like when I cried on Tuesday because I was sad that so much attention is being given to Christmas when we haven't even had a chance to think about Thanksgiving) and then immediately laughing at myself for all this silly crying.

Oh, imagine how much fun post-partum is going to be;>

Thursday, November 08, 2007

There's really no porn here...

Over a third of the search strings that have led to this blog recently have involved the phrase "angel rain". After it kept coming up, and I started to realize that these must be referring to an actual person, I began to wonder...

Who the hell is Angel Rain?!?

Turns out she's a big-breasted brunette porn star. I'm a little ashamed that my Baby Angel has now been connected to a porn star by the almighty Google machines because I blogged about hoping for a rain-free weekend one time, two and a half years ago.

And, apparently, because I've linked to briliant donkey from this place, Google believes people searching for "donkeysex girls" and the like will get lucky here. I didn't figure that one out until he posted about similar searches landing folks at his spot on the web.

Sorry, y'all, but we don't share our porn;>

Wednesday, November 07, 2007

It may be time to channel my inner cat-person...

John Crane Ltd PINTOY Hungry MouseSee the picture? Just replace that wedge of cheese with a bag of Tostito's Bite Size Gold, and you've got the scene in your mind of what I believe to be happening on my pantry shelves.

I've often thought I'd heard odd rustling noises coming from the vicinity of the kitchen, but they were fleeting and would stop anytime I'd bother to get up and look around. Today, however, the noise was not so subtle and was hard to mistake for anything but the sound of a plastic bag being crumpled. I muted the television, got out of my chair as quietly as possible, and tiptoed into the kitchen, slowly making my way to the area of the pantry shelves. Of course, the room fell silent as I did this. As I was looking around, I spotted the distinct, not in any way slight, movement of the telephone cord on the wall behind the shelves. Thoroughly, but not at all touching anything, I proceeded to examine the area on those shelves. I found no furry bodies nor beady black eyes nor wiry tails; I did, however, spot something suspicious.

There, on the second shelf from the bottom, I spy an odd little hole in the bright blue bag of chips. It's mostly round but has ragged edges, pairs of chomping teeth edges. Out of the hole, the corner of a chip sat. I resolved myself to the near-fact that we are sharing our home with a mouse.

I probably wouldn't have come so quickly to that conclusion had it not been for the fact that one of our neighbors confided in NS about our building's past mice infestation. It seems the final fix may have been only temporary.

After I took a shower and came back down to sit for a few more minutes, the sneak attack on the yellow corn chips resumed. I tried again to catch the little creature poking around on the shelf. I was not successful in this quest, but there was proof of activity. The hole was no longer filled with the corner of a chip; it was empty, with only a view to the inner chips remaining.

Tonight, returning home from my mom's house with the boys, they asked to see the mouse. We went to look at the hole in the bag since I obviously couldn't really show them a mouse upon which I had yet to actually lay eyes. We all remarked on its existence, and they accepted my claim that it was the work of our new occupant. I took note of the now crushed state of chips inside the bag. Since I haven't yet found evidence of a mouse hole to which this thing may be retreating, I am left wondering if he has simply taken up residence inside the bag.

Tuesday, November 06, 2007

Tequila, mind-altering at its best...

What is it about that smooth spirit that not only makes memories disappear but boosts the rating of everyone 10 points on the 10-point scale of attractiveness, putting anyone with a sober rating of 1 or higher off the charts?

I watched my guilty pleasure realty show this evening, and I couldn't stop giggling when everyone got drunk doing shots of tequila and drinking margaritas. The highlights of my entertainment came from the not-so-lanky geek busting out with a round-off into a back hand-spring and the ensuing reactions from the rest of the group, especially the kisses from his partner in competition.

Tequila's awesome...so is laughter;>

Monday, November 05, 2007

Looking on the bright side...

3 months is not 6...
There will be no more sea trips after this one...
There are several stops scheduled during this half of the trip, which means we will be able to talk in real time rather than relying solely on email...
Deployment comes with financial benefits...
He will not miss Baby Woo-Woo's birth...
I am not alone...

I've been a mess today. I knew I would cry. I did. Many times. All day. I might start again now. This sucks...but it could be worse.

Sunday, November 04, 2007

One last night...

Tonight is my last night having NS home for the next three months. We haven't had to be apart this long yet, and I'm sad. I've had to hold back tears a couple time today and doubt I'll be able to tomorrow.

Saturday, November 03, 2007

Kickin' it...

It's been a few weeks since I was able to truly admit I've felt movement from Baby Woo-Woo. The past couple of nights have brought lots of smiles out of me. This boy seems to be taking after one of his big brothers, feeling comfy in a breech position. He was in that position when we last saw him a couple weeks ago, and judging by the dance going on in my pelvis every so often each day, he's happy that way;> Unlike his big brother, Baby Woo-Woo does not have to share his space with another baby and will very likely have the room to turn should he choose to do so. (Poor J, procrastination did not work out well for him when he waited until 36 weeks to make a move with his head; it was quite fun to watch, though.) I am not in the least bit concerned with whether or not he does since I've decided to opt for a repeat c-section. I just wish some of these kicks would get strong enough to come through to the outside world tomorrow so that NS won't have to wait three months to feel him move.

Friday, November 02, 2007

Wooooof...

newfie pupThis afternoon NS, the boys, and I went to a dog show being held in the area. Our purpose was to meet with a breeder of Newfoundland puppies. Unfortunately, that specific breeder wasn't there by the time we got there, but we did get to see one spectacular Newfie. He'd already won before we arrived and won another prize after. He was gorgeous and huge and loveable.

The breeder NS contacted won't have any puppies available until March, but I'll be putting down a deposit as a Christmas present for NS. How cute will that be? Baby and puppy joining the family together;>

Last weekend I went shopping with my mom and grandmother and the boys. I picked out the sweetest little outfit for Baby Woo-Woo; it's baby blue and covered in baby paw prints and has a little puppy patch that says, "I love my puppy." It just seemed too perfect to pass up, especially considering it was a long-sleeve, long-pant piece with a matching pair of booties (although I think it's weird that the booties seem to have bear heads on them), bib, and hat for $15.

Thursday, November 01, 2007

Could it be real?

orca whaleThose of y'all that have been reading here for a while know that NS and I have been planning for a transfer of locale in the near future. We started talking about it way back when (do you see the date on that post?!?), and went from Hawaii to no Hawaii (Navy said not unless they are beyond desperate for him to be there would they even consider moving an entire family from Virginia to Hawaii) and began to think about either Washington state or very, very southeastern Georgia (and, truth be told, we'd have ended up living in Florida because that is how far in the southeast of Georgia the base was). Then, there was this period of time when we thought we'd definitely be going to the base in Georgia. As it turned out, by the time it was time for NS to actually submit a request for orders to transfer, Georgia wasn't even on the list...but Washington was. So, he submitted for Washington. That was in September. He didn't get the orders.

Now he was facing the possibility of a forced transfer, which could have put us in Guam since they apparently have so many openings, unless he could extend his time on the boat until he was able to get a better transfer. The problem with the extension would be that there's a high likelihood they'd pull him back for the last month or so of their upcoming deployment after Baby Woo-Woo's birth. We were, um, let's say, not excited about this prospect...to say the least.

But, there was still another chance for the preferred option of a simple transfer...the October list of orders became available. Would you believe both Washington and Georgia were on it? To be safe, he requested to be put in for both, hoping that would increase our chances of securing one of them. Last week, he got a call asking which one he preferred. There were very strong pros for each: on one hand, we could move to a place where we know people, like, really know people, and not be thousands of miles from my family; and on the other, we've got a beautiful location where we could expose the boys to some geography-dependent hobbies and interests (snowboarding and ORCAS! come to mind;>). In the end, after I said I really couldn't weigh in with a preference for one over the other, he requested Washington as his top choice.

He called me yesterday to let me know that the orders came through, and we actually have a date to be in Washington. Come the end of August next year, I will have made the biggest move I've ever made, from the southeast to the northwest, Atlantic coast to Pacific. I can hardly believe it's real. I was beginning to think we'd be in limbo forever.

Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Purely joyous Halloween...

pumpkins after darkWe had a perfect night of trick-or-treating tonight (with the sad exception of NS getting stuck with a duty day today and not being able to be with us).

For the past few years, the boys have had their candy-begging experiences at local malls; it does not compare to the thrill and excitement of walking the neighborhood and seeing the decorations and the scary antics of kids too old to make the rounds for their own benefit. Since we are now living in a neighborhood full of families with young children (in military housing), this year seemed to be the year to alter tradition.

M and J thoroughly enjoyed their time tonight, and it was such a joy to witness them running up to doors and people, holding out their pumpkins, and checking the goods out as they walked away.

We gutted and carved pumpkins Saturday night but left them inside until tonight, which turned out to be a good thing since the bugs attacked within minutes of putting them out. The boys were so anxious to get going once I explained how to get candy from the neighbors...it's a miracle they managed to take a few bites of dinner before we left.

J and M at ends of family pumpkin trail

Hope y'all had a great night, too.

Tomorrow begins the NaBloPoMo challenge; let's pray I won't need someone coming to poke me with sticks to actually remember to post every day;>

Monday, October 22, 2007

It's a...

baby boy bear
BOY!

Guess my mother's intuition was right. For now, he'll still be referred to as Baby Woo-Woo, but after birth he will be called Li'l Man X, or LMX for short;> He looks perfectly healthy and even gave us a thumbs up as reassurance.

Sunday, October 21, 2007

Li'l Man X or Li'l Miss J...

So, tomorrow is the big day, the day NS and I go in for an ultrasound that is meant to assure us that all is well with Baby Woo-Woo but also the one that should be able to tell us which name to have the boys practice. Time to make your predictions and see if you agree with everyone else or me;>



My pregnancy experience thus far:

- Some all-day/night nausea with no vomitting starting between weeks 6 and 7 and lasting through 10. I've even had a few spells in the past week, much more minor and fleeting, though. (I had no m/s with the boys' pregnancy and a couple weeks of all-day nausea and a few days of puking with Baby Angel, although the additional hormones from birth control pills may have contributed to that.)

- Worst acne of my life (nothing like this with either previous pregnancy).

- Belly is high and wide.

- No extra hair or nail growth, actually losing more than usual amounts of hair from my head.

- Cravings are all over the board but have been leaning more towards sweets and away from meat lately; I had a period of loving dill pickles; I still cherish my ice cream and fruits (watermelon, pineapple, apples, grapes, bananas); I could eat cheese and potatoes (not always together) any time.

- Face is definitely more oily and have had some oil-slicks on my hair.

- Baby's heartrate is high 140's to 150's.

- Emotionally unstable (more so that either of previous pregnancies).

- Chinese calendar predicts girl.

- Ring tests say girl.

- J, along with NS, grandma, co-workers, and even a passing comment from the last OB I saw, etc. all say girl.

- Me? I seem to be alone with thinking this baby is boy. M is with me, but it's because he says only boys are babies. Truth be told, I have pondered the possibility that I've convinced myself it's a boy to avoid even the slightest twinge of disappointment if it really is.

If there is more you could possibly want to know before venturing your guess, let me know. Have fun!

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Oh, a silly little quiz...


What Kind of Blogger Are You?


It's always a good time to see what kind of analysis you get about yourself by answering a few multiple choices questions;>

Monday, October 15, 2007

October 15th...

I'm not sure if anyone has scrolled down the sidebar recently to see the October 15th banner, but the day, somewhat unfortunately, means a lot to many, many women and their families.

Today is a day set aside for all of those families who have survived the loss of a baby, whether that baby was lost during pregnancy or shortly after. Without having experienced the loss of Baby Angel last year, I would never have known how much of an impact a baby never to be born could have on someone's life. While I find solace in knowing there is a day we can all take a moment to remember the forever-innocent, I am aware that my memory of Baby Angel will never be contained to one day of the year. Thankfully, I am able to look forward to the beginning of a new life next year as I reminisce about the life that changed mine last year.

So, I will conclude this memorial by sharing something that was shared with me by another mother remembering her lost baby today.

"A Pair of Shoes"

I am wearing a pair of shoes. They are ugly shoes. Uncomfortable shoes. I hate my shoes. Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair. Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.

Yet, I continue to wear them. I get funny looks wearing these shoes. They are looks of sympathy. I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs. They never talk about my shoes. To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable. To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them. But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.

I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes. There are many pairs in this world. Some women are like me and ache daily as they try and walk in them. Some have learned how to walk in them so they don't hurt quite as much. Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they think about how much they hurt. No woman deserves to wear these shoes.

Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman. These shoes have given me the strength to face anything. They have made me who I am. I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

Author unknown


Remembering Our Babies

Saturday, October 13, 2007

Where I earn my money...

So, I think it's been about a month now since I started working from home. Quite simply, I love it. It feels natural and comfortable and not much different from when I drove to an office that wasn't in my home.

And, well, since fringes asked, I thought I'd give you a peek at the place from where I do my work. You might, especially if you click on it to see the original size, see things like an aquarium with Marmaduke the betta, my lucky bamboo gifted to me by my former office mate (before we all acquired individual offices), a bag of dark chocolate M&Ms, pictures of M and J taped to the monitor, and a box of business cards I can't imagine I'll ever need, which is topped by my fetal doppler and a hand towel for wiping the goop off my belly. Offices with windows that actually have a view outside are fabulous;>

woo's home office

Friday, October 12, 2007

I'm hungry and my boobs keep hurting...

That's all I've got for today. Check back tomorrow for more;>

Friday, October 05, 2007

You know you're pregnant when...

the cereal, eggs, bacon, waffles, pancakes, and french toast that you have within reach don't sound good for breakfast. Instead you heat up a serving of enchilada casserole, pour some salsa in a bowl for the tortilla chips, and want nothing more than to compliment it all with the perfect Mexican side dish...a couple of dill pickle spears;> Of course, you're too full from the casserole and chips to eat the pickles with breakfast, so you're stuck pairing them with lunch.

Wednesday, October 03, 2007

If I want anyone to participate, I guess I'll need to post...

De-Lurk DayWell, it has apparently been declared the Day to De-Lurk and Comment in the blogosphere, and while I've been slightly better with commenting than posting lately, I figure I'd participate and spread some comment-love. Then, I thought, I must invite others to do this as well, which sort of means I need to put up a post;>

First, let's get the update out of the way.

I'm well and getting to a better place than I was when I last posted. I've not yet arrived to "better place", but I'm on my way, and I imagine I'll be able to get there sooner than later. Our BIG ultrasound is scheduled for the 22nd, and once that goes well, "better place" should be right around the corner.

NS and I talked about some stuff that was bothering both of us. He was very bothered by some stuff that I was completely unaware of, and the stuff that's been swirling in my head (intense fear, numbness, lack of control over my moods and behavior...basically the stuff I expressed in that last post) wasn't anything he was aware of, either. After we talked about everything, we had a bit more understanding as to where each of us has been lately, and it helped. I felt better knowing that he knows what's going on with me from my point of view, and his mood seemed to be improved as well. He's out on another short tour of the Atlantic until the 19th and will then be home for a couple weeks before leaving for the three-month partial world tour; let's hope we have a great couple of weeks while he's home.

It seems that IFKAMH is planning to visit that same weekend NS gets home...awesome homecoming, I know (see now why I can't just assume those two weeks will be wonderful?). I am dreading this visit so much. I feel completely unprepared. I wish I could somehow convince him that this first visit shouldn't involve the boys at all but just us adults, discussing how these visits should go and covering ground rules and frequency and such, but since I can't seem to convince him to see my point of view on anything, I know it won't happen. I think his mom is coming as well, but I just don't know for sure. That was the original plan, but I haven't heard from her about it in a while. I hope she does simply because I think she needs to be involved in the discussion of what is actually in the best interest of M and J. I need to know where their logic comes from because I know where mine came from.

See? I told you, not yet at "better place"...gawd, I'm depressing myself with this stuff. Do I have anything remotely happy or lighthearted to say? Let's see...ah, yes.

M and J have their Halloween costumes! J has chosen once again to be Nemo. (Anyone need an XXS Nemo costume? Because now we have the XXS from last year and the XS that he'll wear this year;>) He's smitten with that fish, even tells his baby Nemo (the little stuffed one he carries around often) that he loves it and gives it hugs and kisses. It's very sweet;> M? Well, he has become obsessed with trains, specifically of the Thomas the Tank Engine variety, so he has chosen to go dressed as Thomas this year. If I recall correctly, he's worn that costume for at least a few minutes every day since we got it last weekend.

I've got a ton of pictures to put up on Flickr...stuff from New York and Chicago, the boys first professional haircut, and even one of M in that Thomas costume from Sunday. I'll try to get to that real soon.

Time to de-lurk, even if you just tell me how depressed I made you and how much you're looking forward to the real me returning, especially now that I've signed up for NaBloPoMo again, forcing myself to post something every single day for an entire 30 days. I'll start my de-lurking rounds now.

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Letting go...

Suffocate Cartoons from cartoonstock.comI read a post this morning from no regrets about the need to just let go and cry sometimes, preferably while no one else is around. I couldn't agree more.

NS and I were watching a few minutes of Power of 10 last week. One of the questions was: "What percentage of women have cried in front of their bosses?" NS seemed to think this percentage would be incredibly high, like 85+% high, even accounting for the strongest of probabilities that the people answering these survey questions are lying through their teeth or are in serious denial about themselves. I, being a woman, didn't think it would be that high, not with the question being "in front of their bosses". In front of co-workers? Sure; I'd give that a higher percentage, but in front of their bosses? Nuh-uh. I have never cried in front of a boss but have in front of co-workers. NS surprised me when he said I wasn't a crier, implying my perception was skewed. I was surprised because I do think I am a crier...just mostly alone crying.

I have cried the past two nights, unbeknownst to anyone but myself. Why have I cried? I think I finally realized last night that I just had to let go. I've not been myself lately. I don't think I'm smiling very often; I'm not very affectionate, especially with NS, which makes me feel awful; I seem to be struggling each day to just survive. I tried to let a little emotion slip through the past two nights, but in doing so, I opened the flood gates for all kinds of emotion, particularly the emotion I've been trying to suppress every single second of every day for the past 7 weeks. The problem is that the energy it takes to suppress the emotion I'm afraid to feel is suppressing every other emotion I have and has made me an unpleasant person to be around.

You see, I am trying so hard to not feel utterly terrified about this pregnancy. It didn't really hit me until this past weekend as we were moving to our new place. All day, even though I did no heavy lifting (or even moderate lifting...I packed and unpacked and put away), I kept thinking: "Am I doing too much?" "Should I do this?" "Is my body trying to tell me to quit?" And, when I felt a twinge in my lower abdomen Saturday night and felt the aches in my muscles Sunday morning, my concerns were not eased. Yet, I said nothing...because I don't want to be afraid. Instead, I waited until I was alone yesterday morning to use my handy doppler to reassure my worries. It was all so overwhelming, not only because I was constantly being berated by those nagging questions, but because I finally realized how scared I am to not have any control over what happens to my body in the next several months and how devastated I am at just the mere thought of losing another baby. It's as though I subconsciously decided to control my emotions since I couldn't control my body, but that has totally backfired because I now feel so distant from the happiness I want and should feel.

Last night, I finally realized that even though it will mean feeling the emotions I don't want to feel, I need to let go of that control so I can feel human again. And, maybe even experience some of that happiness I've been missing out on lately.

Thursday, September 06, 2007

Sounds of reassurance...

hearts
The zombie life is getting to be a bit more than boring. I'm still incredibly tired most of the time. Being so sleepy makes me feel very lazy, and the fact that my hair and skin are oil slicks that might very well be dangerous to some unsuspecting souls compounded with that lazy feeling just has me convinced I'm the ugliest woman walking the planet. Did I mention the acne? Because we know that can only serve to up my attractiveness factor. But, that's about as much as I've got as far as complaints go, and I'll take a few months of feeling like a frumpy, dumpy, puffy pregnant lady over not having another baby every minute of every day right now.

So, last Thursday was the real doctor appointment. The doctor was great, very perky and happy and understanding. She answered half the questions I'd written down before I had a chance to ask, which was just awesome. We also got an ultrasound, which I was totally not expecting. The appointment before this was left as we would "hear the hearbeat", not "see the baby". Unfortunately, the real ultrasound machine was in use the entire time we were there, so the doctor finally had to bring in the portable one. While it provided enough detail for us to see the baby, including some cute legs bent at the knees and crossed at the ankles, it was not great clarity. Baby measured perfectly at 10 weeks, 4 days (actually a day ahead), and looked perfect. Because the machine was not so super, we didn't get to hear anything or find out how fast the heart was beating, but we still got a picture, as fuzzy as that picture may be...at least I know what it shows;>

Late last week, I rented a fetal doppler from storkradio.com. It's an open-ended monthly rental, so I'll be charged each month until I return it. It arrived last night. The heartbeat was easy to find once I placed the wand on my left side instead of my right. This will bring some welcome reassurance during those weeks between doctor appointments. The boys were too funny with their comments about it. They asked excitedly if I was going to make the baby come out; when NS and I both said, "No. The baby won't be coming out for a while," they moved right on to telling me that I was just making the baby's heart come out (that was J's conclusion; he convinced M of this). No need to correct that...afterall, I was making the sound of the baby's heart come out;> I brought it to work today since I'm having dinner at my mom's house tonight and know she's desperate to know something about this kid's heartrate. Three of the ladies here had a great time listening with me this morning. The beating was much faster this morning than last night, and baby definitely moved a bit during this show, so I guess someone was resting last night when we listened.

Anyone interested in packing up my office? I start working from home next week. I never thought I'd be able to utter those words while working for someone else.

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

The silence was brutal...

orange moonDriving home from an after-dinner Cold Stone Creamery treat, we saw an orangish-yellow moon hanging in the sky. The boys happily pointed it out and chattered about it behind us. Then, J makes this declaration that the red spots are Earth. Well, obviously, this is not true; those spots he's most likely referring to are the craters and valleys most of us have grown to love as "the man in the moon". NS and I let him in on this revelation, not really thinking much about what we were saying or how he might take it.

Then, the silence.

J wouldn't say anything else. He didn't refute what we told him about the spots not being Earth since we are on Earth nor the factoid about the moon revolving around us, Earth...he didn't say a word. Being that looking into the back of my car after sundown is like looking into the great abyss of space with all its pitch blackness, it was hard to tell what his reaction was, but during those few but long minutes before arriving home, I felt like he was disappointed and disheartened, simply shattered by our reasoning. I could almost swear I heard him pouting.

Of course, he was all smiles when he hopped out of the car. But, he still didn't say another word about the moon...even as M wondered aloud about it hiding behind the house.

Monday, August 27, 2007

Well, I do like straw hats...

Even if I don't wear them;>




You're Adventures of Huckleberry Finn!

by Mark Twain

With an affinity for floating down the river, you see things in black
and white. The world is strange and new to you and the more you learn about it, the less
it makes sense. You probably speak with an accent and others have a hard time
understanding you and an even harder time taking you seriously. Nevertheless, your
adventurous spirit is admirable. You really like straw hats.



Take the Book Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid.



This is a baby step. I know I left y'all hanging about NYC, and then I took off for a week to Chicagoland without even telling, and I've gone and had an uneventful first appointment without making a peep...my sincerest apologies. I may muster enough energy to post again later today. No promises, though.

Thursday, August 09, 2007

Time for an update, huh?

Thanks for checking on me, ladies. I'm well.

So, let's see how things have gone in the past couple weeks...

* I waited and waited to get my OB referral letter in the mail. On the last day of the 7 business days I was to wait before calling, it arrived. Unfortunately, it did not contain approval for the doctor I requested. I'd asked to be referred to a civilain OB, one who is part of a group my mom recommended. Well, these military folk like to keep things in house, so my letter only approved my care at the closest military treatment facility. I could still see the doctor I requested, but at the expense of a $300 deductible + 50% of all costs after that. So, we'll give the military hospital a shot. I'll not go into details of how upsetting this letter was for me at the time. There were some tears, and I'll leave it at that.
* I made my first appointment at said facility, and it will be bright and early Thursday, the 23rd. The nurse I spoke with to schedule this visit did not set any expectations other than to arrive 15 minutes early, so I'm not sure if I'll just be answering questions for paperwork and getting weight/blood pressure/urine check or if the visit will be more involved...and possibly more exciting.
* Monday morning, on my way to drop the boys off at daycare to head to work, a woman attempted to change lanes into my car. The damage isn't terrible, a blackish stripe on my passenger side, but she took off. The weird thing was that she had followed me. I was just crossing the road to turn into daycare as this happened, so I continued across, as did she. She had started to pull off to the right, but since I needed to go the left anyhow, and there were parking lots to the left and nothing to the right where she was going, I continued to the left. She followed. She pulled into the bank parking lot whereas I went farther down to the daycare lot. I watched her get out of her car and start to look at possible damage she'd done to her vehicle as I got M out of the car. I stepped to the back of my vehicle to make sure she saw me and knew where I was. I let J out of the car, grabbed my camera and a pen and scrap of paper, and as I headed towards where she'd parked, I saw that she had left and was now moving to turn down the road we'd just crossed. Y'all, this is not the way to start the week, especially when you're pregnant and weeping over Scrubs episodes because your hormones have taken over. I really had to work to fight back the tears as I walked the boys down to their classroom.
* Later that afternoon, I spoke with IFKAMH. Well, it started as speaking, but the tone of my voice may have become elevated to another level before we were done. He's still insisting on coming see the boys. I had come to terms with this being a possibility and had thought about some ways to try to explain him to the boys. But, I'm not nearly as okay with it now. I was barely okay with it to begin with, and now that my suspicions were confirmed, that his mother had guilted him into this, I really wish I could just tell him no. I was so hurt when I last spoke with his mom and she was telling me about how she had finally gotten him to come around, by telling him that she would disown him if he didn't do what she wanted. I told her long ago to not put pressure on him since it has no lasting effects. He's 30 years old, and as much of a disappointment he must be to her, she cannot change who he is. Since his sudden insistence on coming to visit was shortly following several weekend trips he'd made to help his mom with her house, I thought she might have had some influence on his behavior; I just didn't realize she'd given him an ultimatum. She's planning to visit at the end of this month (most likely he will come with her), and I am going to have to talk to her privately about how I feel about this. It is not her place to force his involvement. Her inclusion in the boys' lives has absolutely nothing to do with his, and I'm not sure that she really believes this. What was upsetting to me as I talked to IFKAMH on Monday, though, was his demeaning the boys' relationship with NS and his imaginary belief that he didn't abandon his children almost two and half years ago. He just doesn't even give half a forethought to his words before he speaks, so he says things like, "They'll get over that crap," while I'm explaining that the boys have bonded with NS and feel he is their dad and I will not allow him to undermine that bond. That was the first of several statements that escaped his mouth that sent me into a rage, only partially induced by pregnancy hormones.
* Thankfully, while the beginning of my week started less than pleasantly, last night, NS returned home, and tomorrow, we will head up to New York City for the weekend. It's our late birthday celebration. We'll be dining at Del Frisco's and wandering through Times Square and doing as many non-kid-friendly activities as we can squeeze into two days;>

Thursday, August 02, 2007

For those that haven't already seen this...

Whymommy posted about her diagnosis of inflammatory breast cancer. I'm not going to copy and paste the entire post, but I encourage those of you who have not read this elsewhere or who have never heard of more than one type of breast cancer to click that link and read. This is a very aggressive and often deadly type of breast cancer and is so difficult to detect and diagnose because it can appear as a simple infection with a red area or changes in the skin on the breast but without that tell-tale lump we're always told to look for. Ladies, ANY changes in your breasts should be examined by a doctor, and if you ever feel like your doctor is not taking your concerns seriously, then find another doctor as soon as possible. Really, that last part applies to everyone. I first heard about this type of cancer from a video clip someone sent me of a news story that had been done on it. They interviewed both average women and doctors, and even the doctors were not familiar with this cancer. Doctors are not perfect and do not know everything; if yours is not willing to admit that and try to research what might be causing problems for you, then they are not the best doctor for you.

Thursday, July 26, 2007

Nothing new...

I'm tired (oh so very tired) and haven't had optimum brain functioning for a few days now. So, I'm doing fine and going to bed;>

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Official pregnant task #1 accomplished...

definitely pregnant
I went to my general practioner today to get the pregnancy confirmed and a referral for an obstetrician. While there, they checked my pee and stole some blood. First sigh of relief can be expressed. Urine was normal; blood test confirmed pregnancy and came back with good numbers.

I feel a little more pregnant today than I did yesterday. I was terribly uncomfortable in my pants today, so much so that I sat around my office most of the afternoon with them unbuttoned and unzipped. I'm also starting to get the icky attitude about food, you know, where I'm kind of hungry but the thought of eating something doesn't really seem like a good idea. I expect those feelings to get stronger and more frequent in the coming weeks, probably hitting a peak around the time we fly to Chicago in mid-August for our second wedding party. Oh, I'm gonna be an awesome travel companion! Poor NS. Me with my early pregnancy glamour and then the two 3.5 year-old boys. Doesn't it sound like the funnest plane ride ever?

Now, I'm just waiting for my referral letter to come in the mail. Upon its arrival, I get to make the "real" appointment, although it does sound like a boring paperwork one according to the woman I talked to this afternoon at their office.

Thanks to everyone for the congrats, the well wishes, the positive thoughts, and the prayers. You know it all made me cry;>

Monday, July 23, 2007

Whoops...change in plans

TWO LINES?!? It's Positive!
Y'all remember that house-buying event I mentioned Friday? Yeah, well, we've had a change of heart.

When NS first brought up the idea of buying a house, I hesitated with my enthusiasm...because I didn't think buying and then selling in less than a year would be worthwhile. Then, he mentioned making the house a rental property once we moved. Okay. I could get excited about that. So, we began a rapid house-hunt since this was a Monday and he would go to sea at the end of that week and, by the way, our lease ends this month. I saw 20 houses in three days and finally decided on one. That was the one we offered on and then got a counter offer and then we placed a final offer, which was rejected. Well, I was pretty impressed with another house in that same neighborhood that was only a few streets over and $20,000 less, and I put the offer on that one. It was accepted, and I signed the contract last Wednesday evening. That's where we stood as of Friday.

Yesterday, NS calls me with some last minute concerns about whether this is really the best thing for us to do. It's a big chunk of cash to risk. What if we can't make the money back by selling it? What if we can't find renters? How will we be able to buy a house in Georgia next year after we move if we don't have either buyers or renters? We traded many text messages last night. It was leaning towards seeing about getting out of the contract.

Well, the thing I hadn't yet mentioned to him because I don't like bringing up such emotional roller-coaster inducing possibilities without some good reason is that I was a bit late. Yeah, that kind of "late". I decided Friday that I would take a test on Monday, which would have put me at 5-7 days late. I fully expected a negative result and to just chalk it up to being one of those freaky no-period months. So, when I was awoken at 2:45 this morning with a call from my bladder, I knew it was time to collect and sample and see what the test would tell. Imagine my half-asleep shock as that second line became more and more visible and clearer and clearer over the course of the longest 60 seconds I've had in a long time.

I must have repeated the phrase, "I'm pregnant. I'm. Preg. Nant," for a solid five minutes before I grabbed the camera. I then had to capture the results with my phone's camera to send a message to NS; I just couldn't wait 6+ hours to say something. I thought getting that out would help me fall back to sleep seeing as I still had at least three good sleeping hours left. Not so much. I stayed awake, though trying my hardest to keep my eyes closed and my mind from wandering, for those three hours. I finally dozed back off around 5:45 and chose to make it a late day to work and sleep until 6:30.

NS didn't get off this morning as early as I'd anticipated, and I began making the anxious phones calls about 45 minutes too soon. When he got the chance to call me, he hadn't even seen the message I'd sent.

***Sidenote***
One of the emails received last week from NS included a note about us trying to have a baby next year, after he got back from deployment, spring-ish time. I was fully on board with that; in fact, it had been my plan as well, a plan I had the intention of letting him in on when he got back from this trip. So, we had an agreeable, well-timed baby-making plan as of Thursday last week.
***End sidenote***

I simply told him that we wouldn't be able to wait 'til next spring to get pregnant. He understood my implication right away. It was a good surprise, and he's as excited as I am. With this new information, we decided it is definitely not right for us to buy this house. I wouldn't be able to put in any work on renovations, and I don't know about y'all, but purposefully creating a situation where we'll be having a baby, moving, and trying to sell/rent a house while buying another house in another state does not sound like something I'm up for. I prefer keeping stresses to a minimum and not compounding them all into one month. When our realtor gets back from vacation on Wednesday, I'll go in to cancel the contract.

That's our total change of plans that came about in a matter of 24 hours. No house; new baby.

For anyone who's curious, going by my last period, I should be 5 weeks today with an estimated due date of March 24th.