Tuesday, January 31, 2006

I guess he's trying, but it just ain't working...

IFKAMH is trying to be nice. He is having some new tires delivered to me in VA because I need them. I also got a bouquet of flowers on Friday. I'm not really impressed by flowers that much. I think they are way too expensive for something that doesn't last very long. I would much rather have had the money he spent on them than the sentiment he tried to convey with them...I guess he forgot that flowers are not a big win for me. It was a little different when we were in FL and you could get a dozen or two roses for $5 because that is a small amount of money for something so pretty, but spending $40-50 on a bouquet being delivered to me seems incredibly pointless. Anyhow, he keeps trying to convince me that I should trust him and that he knows he's screwed up so he would never do it again. I see it as though he would feel that he got away with it once and could again...that's why we can't work things out. I cannot get over the fact that he had so many opportunities to work things out while I was willing, but he squandered them as though I would always be willing despite my telling him differently. I am perfectly capable of allowing him to be a father to the boys and will be amiable towards him, but I do not feel loving feelings for him anymore and will never trust him again. He actually told me yesterday that he hasn't had sex with anyone else...I absolutely, positively do NOT buy that for even half a second. He lives with another woman (one that he chose to move closer to over moving back in with his wife, who was still trying to have sex with him for a few weeks at least) for six, seven, eight, or more months, but he's never had sex with her...riiight;>

Separation, divorce, and moving...

My mom is apparently very unhappy with her marriage to my step-dad. I knew their marriage was not one that I would be happy with because they didn't seem to have any real love between them, but I figured my mom had reached a point in her life where finanical stability and companionship were more important factors than heart-fluttering love. I was wrong. After I returned from Florida, my mom told me some things that have put her over the edge, on which she had apparently been for a long time...before I even moved to VA. He doesn't really share with her, like he doesn't just take time talking to her and telling her about stuff that's going on or asking her about what's going on with her. She feels very neglected, even though he is generous with gifts and money. This is exactly what I noticed after moving here, but like I said, I thought that was what she was looking for...I must admit, I'm glad it's not. So, Friday night she asked me what I thought about us getting a place together for a little while because she just didn't want to be with him anymore. I said that sounded fine to me and agreed that this is not my preferred place to stay. He has turned out to be a very controlling man, much like all of the other men in her life have been. I don't know how she always manages to find these control-freaks, but she does, and this one had me fooled for a while, too. While I can understand restrictions on me (somewhat) because this is not my house and I am benefiting from living here (even though I still pay my own mortgage and utilities and bills and daycare, so I'm not exactly living the easy life considering I have no actual income), but to treat her like that is really odd since she is supposed to be his wife, a partner in life together, not a guest in his life.

He came to me on Sunday while my mom was working to talk about the situation. He feels that the problems stem from his feelings about me not contributing enough to the household. He feels that I should just be a cleaning lady (although he said that wasn't the case) since I'm not currently working and shouldn't need to be asked or told what needs to be done around the house. Now, I do certain things around the house without ever being asked or told because I can easily see they need to be done, and I know how to get it done...such as laundry and dishes. The boys and I can accumulate a ton of laundry on our own, and the dryer here takes practically two full cycles to dry a load of clothes, so it may not seem I help with their laundry all that much, but I do what I can, and I always fold anything that comes out of the dryer as long as I see it first. Dishes are something I do every morning, with the exception of yesterday because I was out interviewing and didn't get back until dinnertime. I have vacuumed a few times, but there were other times that I felt I could and would like to vacuum but could not locate the vacuum anywhere! I explained this factor to him...not being able to locate the vacuum on several occasions. He said that it is usually 'here' or 'here' but if I look in enough places, I should find it. This was basically his response to his idea that I could notice if a bathroom needed to be cleaned when I asked about supplies. I have absolutely no problem helping out, but in my house, I keep cleaning supplies in the same place...always, and I have certain things I use for the bathroom and others that I use in the kitchen, etc. Since I don't know what they have established in this house, that is not a task I would just try to figure out and do without any direction because I am very picky about the cleaning of my own house. I'm not sure I agree with the idea that I should just start hunting for cleaning supplies and hope I find what is supposed to be used, which could easily take an hour, at least, without ever having started the cleaning process. The real kicker with all of this (besides the fact that this was not the reason my mom is unhappy with him, although it may have been what pushed her over the edge instead of just continuing to totter on it) was that he actually said that I should do all this housework without any idea of what he would like to be done but that he won't notice anything I've done (obviously since he feels that I do nothing), so I need to let him know when I've done something. This is just not my style. If I've done something around the house because I felt that it needed to be done, then I'm not going to go around and brag about it later just so someone notices, but I guess that is why he views me as lazy and ungrateful because he doesn't realize that I have done stuff without being asked simply because I haven't boasted about it to him or my mom.

Needless to say, my mom disagreed with his assessment of their marital problems and is working diligently to get us into another place. He's just gotten worse in the controlling department since my mom has brought her unhappiness to his attention (although I know she's mentioned stuff before, but maybe he wasn't listening those other times...and that is one of their real problems). So, in about a month or so, my mom, the boys, and I will be moving to an apartment for a little while and will see what we'd like to do, either live in our own separate places or continue to sharing a place, once my house is sold.

Saturday, January 28, 2006

Looks like God got this one right;>

Your Eyes Should Be Brown

Your eyes reflect: Depth and wisdom

What's hidden behind your eyes: A tender heart

Friday, January 27, 2006

If I cared anymore, it could have hurt...but seeing as I don't, it was funny as hell

The other day, the same day I found out Verizon wouldn't be my employer, IFKAMH called. He calls too many times every day and bugs the crap out of me, but this one conversation in particular was rather enlightening;> We are semi-arguing over whether or not NS has the same mentality as he does (yes, it seems that IFKAMH assumes all men are like him), and then ends his statement with DA's name instead of mine. His voice trails at the end of her name, indicating he realized too late that the name he was using was not the right one, and he is completely silent afterwards, as if hoping I didn't hear it...but I did;> I asked if he realized that he just called me "DA", and he starts spouting off about how he knows exactly what he said but didn't mean anything by it and fought with her a lot and that whenever he's mad says that word. Oh, okay, that makes it alright (please note the sarcasm of that thought;>). So, now I have my confirmation that his sudden determination to win me back was a result of things going sour with her. Just helps reinforce my decisions have been the right ones and that I am truly over him because this slip didn't bother me in the least, and I've actually told people with excitement what happened because I found it so amusing and fitting;>

Thursday, January 26, 2006

Thanks, Eunice...this was good;>

I found this on eunice's page. It is eerily accurate considering how vague the answers were to the 5 questions;> I don't know about that last part with me over-thinking small things, but I think it may be truer than I ever realized.

You Have a Melancholic Temperament

Introspective and reflective, you think about everything and anything.
You are a soft-hearted daydreamer. You long for your ideal life.
You love silence and solitude. Everyday life is usually too chaotic for you.

Given enough time alone, it's easy for you to find inner peace.
You tend to be spiritual, having found your own meaning of life.
Wise and patient, you can help people through difficult times.

At your worst, you brood and sulk. Your negative thoughts can trap you.
You are reserved and withdrawn. This makes it hard to connect to others.
You tend to over think small things, making decisions difficult.

My 15-year (maybe less) plan...in writing;>

I've read and heard a hundred times that you should put your goals in writing, so here it goes. Last week, I came to the conclusion that my dream job, the one for which I would be happy to go to work each day even if I didn't get paid for it, would be a tour-guide on a whale-watching tour. This really came flooding back to me when I went to the Virginia Aquarium & Marine Science Center (formerly the Virginia Marine Science Museum) a couple weeks ago while NS was out of town. Just walking through there, I was smiling and happy and felt very comfortable, and I was incredibly disappointed that I had gotten there too late to see the Whales IMAX movie. With this in mind, and the fact that I've wanted to own my own business for several years now but couldn't figure out quite what I wanted to do, I've decided to make a goal to own my own whale-watching tour business by the time I'm 40. In the meantime I'm going to apply to one of those universities that allows you to complete your degree via online courses and go for an I.T. degree of some sort since that seems to be the type of jobs I'm drawn to and feel I would be successful with. In the next 5 years, I want to have gotten the degree and be in a job making at least $50,000-60,000 a year. Then, I will spend the next 10 years making sure to save for starting the business. Of course, I will be doing a lot of research on this as well to figure out where I want to have my business. I know I can do it here, but I'm wondering about other places, too. I would love to be able to do this in Washington state, but I know it's just not possible for me to live there even though they've got my favorite whales. Well, there it is...my 15-year plan. It can probably be done sooner, and may very well be done sooner, but so can a lot of the plan. I just want to make sure that it is truly attainable and I won't have to kill myself or sacrifice too much in trying to achieve my goals.

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Well, that didn't work out as I'd hoped...

My interview seemed to go well yesterday. At the end, she asked if it would be alright to call me back that afternoon if there was a position to offer me. I said that would be fine. I didn't hear back from her. At nearly 6pm, I get a call from the lady whose daughter was supposed to be helping get me the job. She was wondering why I cancelled my interview. I explained that I didn't cancel but had to reschedule (the interview lady was told that my flight was delayed on Monday and I would be on a plane at the time of the originally scheduled interview). She said she would call her daughter and have her call me. I talked to the daughter while on my way to meet NS for dinner. She said she would talk to her director to explain that the interview had just been rescheduled and was done that afternoon and that I should hear back today. Well, I did hear back today, but it was to say that they couldn't offer me the position because they are looking specifically for people that have technical help desk experience. I don't believer her because she said that the reason that she didn't call me last night was because she got caught up in a fire drill...lie. If that was really the case for not hiring me, they shouldn't have put me through the testing and background check and the interview...afterall, they've had the information on my resume from the very beginning, although everyone seems to overlook the fact that the online application requires that resume information to be submitted. She even went through my resume in detail with me on the phone, so if that was the real reason they couldn't hire me, I shouldn't have had to wait for a call back, in my opinion. It just seems that since they've already put some expense into thus far, it couldn't have hurt them to put me in the training class to see how I do...they could have failed me after training if I wasn't up to par. Since this job seemed to have such good benefits, I was initially quite upset about this, but as usual, I have decided that it is for the best and that it may have been a job (or more likely, a company) that I didn't like. Now, my mom has gotten the name of a head-hunter from one of her co-workers that is supposed to be really good and will tell me honestly if he can't place me and help lead me in the right direction. So, the hunt is back on...I just wish I hadn't wasted so much time jumping through their hoops to have them delay so long to say what they could have said in the beginning.

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

I am officially a divorcee...

So, my divorce was final as of Thursday morning. Doesn't feel any different, but I'm awfully glad that it's over and done with now. My house is on the market now, and my realtor (I met with six of them Saturday afternoon and chose one to sign with on Sunday) is really trying to earn her commission. She's already got postcards and flyers ready and has taken pictures of the house to use for the listing. She actually lives in the same community but in a different subdivision, so I think that will help her sell the benefits of the area. Also, she is totally in love with my house. When she left on Sunday, she even said that she loves my house and wants to buy it...but can't afford it;> I can't afford my house, either, and I can't believe how ridiculous housing prices are...I can't imagine paying $270,000 for my house, but I sure hope someone wants to pay that much.

I had fun in Florida...saw my old co-workers and went dancing Thursday night to celebrate. Club Paris is where I went, and I'm very happy that I didn't have to pay to get in or pay for the drinks...not only because I don't think Paris Hilton should be any more famous, but because it was really not a very good club, in my opinion. The dance floor is tiny and the music wasn't that great. But it was no cover and open bar for ladies until midnight, so it wasn't a terrible waste of the $3 I spent for parking;> I still don't understand why men are so creepy. One guy that decided to try to dance with me (I say try because he couldn't dance if his life depended on it and because I didn't even attempt to dance with him although he continued to dance next to me as if we were dancing together) was just weird. He was wearing a short-sleeved, striped, button-down shirt with a windbreaker kind of jacket on top of it. It was just very unattractive clothing and only made him look like a geek...and the lack of dance skills only made this impression stronger. I finally lose him. It was difficult, but I managed to do this by going to the bathroom for a little while. After I come out, I start dancing sans guys again and am actually starting to enjoy the place because I've had a few drinks and don't have to worry about trying to politely ditch any unsolicited men when all of a sudden, I feel someone's groin thrusting into my back. I don't know why guys can't just ask before doing this, and I don't know why the ones that do this are terrible dancers (you can't slow grind to every song...in fact, you can't do this to most songs played in clubs). If he's comfortable enough to just sneak up behind me and starting rubbing his genitals on my ass, then he should be okay with leaning in close to my ear and shouting, "Do you mind if I dance with you?", or some other equally respectful question to determine if I am truly looking for someone to dance with. Guys, not all women that aren't physically with a man at that particular moment are looking to hook up with someone...please try to keep that in mind. Anyway, I don't have the personality to just turn around and say, "Get off of me, I am not looking to dance with anyone tonight", so I end up just leaving around 1245 after my tipsiness wore off and I couldn't get rid of the groin-thruster.

I missed my boys terribly but did talk to them every day at least once. Little M even said he missed me one day. I don't know if he really knew what he was saying...maybe he just picked it up from my saying it to him, but it was sweet and sounded so clear and genuine that I almost cried. J gave me lots of phone kisses. My mom said that they would go in her room every day and pick up a picture of me to look at and talk to, and one morning J was giving it kisses...they are so precious. They were really excited to see me last night, and I had so much fun lovin' on them when I picked them up from daycare...I told them the next time I go to Florida, they're coming with me;>

NS missed me, too. After I sent him a text saying that I was officially a divorced woman Thursday morning, he called me and left a voicemail that started with, "Now that you're divorced...". I felt panic inside because he sounded so serious and I was scared of what might be following that sentence, but it was all for nothing 'cause he was just being silly and finished the sentence with, "I'd like to take you out sometime, like on a date, when you get back from Florida". So, I let out a laugh of relief and called him to tell him he could take me out on a date;> Saturday night, he called me while I was going to Home Depot (third time that day) to get stuff for the work I needed to do on the house that night. He was looking at vacations on eBay. He was looking at Caribbean vacations. Okay, I'm going to have to deveate from the story now to give the background on why I think he was looking at these vacations in particular...

Saturday afternoon (on the way to Home Depot, second trip that day), I get a text from him saying he can't see me anymore. Not being quite sure if I should take that seriously or not since it didn't seem his style, I simply replied with a "why?". The response was..."cause i'm in love with a stripper". For those that aren't up on hip-hop music, this is a song, so I smiled, but my grandma called me before I could reply, so he sends an apology because he was in a goofy mood and then another text saying that he guesses I didn't find it as funny as he did. I finally get to reply to him saying that I was just on the phone and did smile when I read his reason for not being able to see me anymore. Then, the song was on the radio, so I sent a message saying that and that I would have found it funnier if the reason had been with the first message, and might have laughed instead of just smiling. He sends me another message saying that he didn't think I would take a break up message seriously, and I replied with "not from you". This is where we start getting to the part that I think influenced his vacation search. His response to the "not from you" message was: 'So when the other guys you're seeing do it through text message, you believe them. What, am I not serious enough? You just screwed up. No more jokes from me.' So, I had to clarify for him: 'You read more than what I wrote. Just meant that you're better than the guys I met BEFORE you, so didn't seem your style.' He then said that was a nice job of covering my ass, to which I replied that it was all true so it was easy. Then, he says I'm really sucking up and must want a trip to Aruba or something...I told him any Caribbean island would be great, but I was just trying to keep getting jokes from him;>

Anyway, that is where the Caribbean vacation idea came from, I'm almost positive. He makes some comments about not being sure how much that kind of vacation should cost since he's never done that kind of vacation before and isn't sure about where to go, where to stay, going for all-inclusive or not. I have to chime in that the best way to go is a cruise. You get treated like royalty, it's so relaxing because it is all-inclusive, you get to see a few different places and have a ton of stuff to do on the boat, and it's just such a great value. I did say I may be slightly biased because the only cruise I've been on was with one of the best, Royal Caribbean;> So, what does he do? He goes to the Royal Caribbean website and starts looking at the cruises available. He finds one that is like six months from now and starts going through the reservation stuff to see how much it will cost. He's asking me about what kind of room and if I have special dietary needs and stuff. He gets to the end and realizes he can't afford to reserve it right now because the deposit has to be paid in 24 hours to hold the reservation. If he hadn't just spent all that money on the snowboarding trip and still had the extra cash, I really think he would have reserved the cruise for us...scary 'cause that means he's still planning on being with me six months from now and thinking it will still be good enough that he'd want to spend a few grand to take me on vacation for a week. After we get off the phone so I can get to work at the house, he sends me a text message saying he likes me (this works for me...still unsure about stepping up from "like" to the other "L") and another one that night that says he thinks i'm beautiful, sweet, and smart. We spent the afternoon together yesterday and a couple hours last night since he went with me to get my suitcase (didn't make it on my flight...keep reading) so I wouldn't have to park, and he'll probably be going out to eat with me and the boys tonight. So, he's definitely still going strong in the "sweetie" department.

I was supposed to have my phone interview with Verizon yesterday afternoon, but I rescheduled because it was just not a good day for me to interview for a job I want so badly. First of all, I didn't finish working on my house Sunday until it was 130 Monday morning...I had been up since 6 Sunday morning. I was starving at this point and needed to fill up the rental car anyhow, so I stopped for gas and got a snack to eat. I get back to my hotel around 2 and get ready for bed and realize I still need to pack. I finally crawl into bed and go to sleep a little after 230...my alarm is set for 630 so that I can leave by 730 to drop the rental off by 8 and be on time for my 945 flight. Well, after getting 4 hours of sleep following such a work-filled two days (not to mention that I'd only gotten about 5 hours of sleep the prior night and 5 or 6 the previous two nights as well), I was a little sluggish and didn't check out of the hotel until 745. I figure I should still be alright but forgot that this is a Monday morning and there is going to be traffic. I still make it to the rental place by 815, though, which should still be fine...wrong. My credit card authorization was done manually when I picked up the car Wednesday night, and the information was nowhere to be found on my paperwork or in their computers, so they don't seem to believe that there was one done. I call the credit card company to have it confirmed so that they can simply process the charge for the lower amount of the actual rental (because there wasn't enough to cover both the authorization from Wednesday and the charge for the rental). I don't know why no one I dealt with at the credit card company nor the lady at the rental place were all so incompetent, but they had me waiting around for over 45 minutes trying to straighten this out. It still wasn't taken care of when I left after 9, but one of the managers at the rental car place was kind enough to just write all the information that they would need to take care of it later and let me go...afterall, they had the authorization to charge me more than what the cost of my rental was; it was just a matter of them figuring out how to get it processed. So, I don't get to the airport until about 915 (flight's at 945, remember?). I use the curbside check-in and am advised that it is considered a late check-in but the bag should still make it because he called down to tell them I was there and the bag was waiting. I make it to the gate around 935 and they're still boarding a line full of people, so I don't feel too bad about being so late. Well, I get back to VA and am waiting for my suitcase...it isn't there. I don't worry too much because there are a few other people still waiting as well. Seemed odd that only that few bags wouldn't have been unloaded yet, but I still wait a little bit. NS is waiting outside for me since he's in crappy uniform (his words, not mine) and can't be seen in public with them (really can't...Navy says so). The other waiters have disappeared, so I figure I better go to baggage service to see if my bad didn't make it. It didn't. Neither did those other people's bags, but they weren't late check-ins. The bags didn't make it because there were some mechanical difficulties in FL with the belt-loader, but since I was a late check-in, I still had to come pick my bag up from the airport rather than getting it couriered to my house like the other people. So, yesterday was just not the best day for me, and I really didn't feel like an interview was something I was up for, so it's been rescheduled for this afternoon;>

That's my all. Wish me luck.

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

I'm going to Florida!

I'm leaving tomorrow to go to Florida for my divorce hearing and to prepare my house to be put on the market. I couldn't be more excited, but I am dreading leaving my boys for 5 days:( I have never been away from them for so long...hell, I've only spent one night away from them and that was just a month ago. I guess I fear they will feel abandoned since I know how hard it was when 'daddy' wasn't around any more, but hopefully this will be different since they are a tad bit older, but I'm still not confident they will understand that I will be coming back. I really hope it will be okay and that I'm just being a worry-for-no-reason mom. Hopefully, I get to see some of my old co-workers and catch up a little since I know a few of them aren't working there anymore. So, I guess you won't be hearing from me until Monday. Have a great weekend;>

Sunday, January 15, 2006

He definitely doesn't consider this casual, I don't think...

Well, NS has been in Utah with his friend and sister for the past week and a half snowboarding (not just snowboarding, but that was the purpose of the trip and that is what they did for at least 7 of the 10 days...also went snowmobiling, so I was incredibly jealous). He gets back late tonight, so I'll see him tomorrow. We have texted and/or talked while he's been there. This morning I sent him a pic of my car with snow on it. His reply was a sarcastic remark about it snowing now that he's coming back (it was around 70 Thursday and Friday;>). I replied that I hoped it wouldn't be cold while I was in FL next week. He asks about my house (like how much I think I'll sell it for and where in FL it is). So, it gets to a point where I mention how I should end up with enough to clear my debts and have a down-payment for a new place. These are the next few text messages we exchange:

NS: U goin to buy house in VA?
me: Will buy something. Hopefully townhouse. Don't see any reason to rent if I don't need to.
NS: That's cool. Was just wonderin bout ur future. {some stuff about snowstorm there}

So, I'm really starting to think I'm right about my feelings that he sees me in his future even if he doesn't explicitly say it. Still not quite sure how I feel about all that, but I'm glad he's just hinting at it, so I don't have to decide right now.

Saturday, January 14, 2006

I know you had given up on me...

But The Foot Fetish is back!

I decided to post a full week's worth of pics (3) due to the substantial hiatus and the fact that I will be flying to Florida this week (yippee;>). I have already drafted more posts for that blog, and there will be updated pictures (3/week) until mid-February at least.

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Whew...second treatment done

So, I went for the bikini treatment today at the laser hair removal place. Well, let me just say, they are extremely thorough;> From happy trail to where my back stops and ass begins...no more hair!! Although I'm not really sure the "happy trail" area is really going to take the treatments since it isn't the dark, coarse hair that works best, but since it wasn't a concern before and was just an offering of inclusion while I laid there, I told her to go ahead and get rid of it, but I won't be disappointed if it remains.

Again, pain was really tolerable...hurt like hell while it was going over the hair (some places didn't really hurt that bad, though) but as soon as I was done, I felt no pain.

I won't have another treatment until April, then I go June, October, and next March! If my hair needs all 5 treatments, then I will be doing this for over a year...I'm definitely going to be shaving still, don't care how much they think it helps determine the success of the treatments not to;>

In case anyone wants more information on laser hair removal, I will plug the people that are doing mine...Sona MedSpa.

March?!?

I finally got my call back from Verizon this morning. The next class will begin March 6th! So, I will be waiting for another call at the end of January, beginning of February to set up an interview. This is getting to be frustrating, as if it hadn't been already;> It better be as great a job and company as it's been made out to be. And, my house better sell super fast and for as much as I want because I cannot continue to afford making mortgage payments on top of paying for daycare (so that they will have a daycare when I need one) and all the other month-to-month bills without an actual income, especially if it's going to take some time before the child support payments start coming, and I'd imagine it will. Wish me luck!

Thursday, January 05, 2006

First laser hair removal treatment...

So, I went Tuesday afternoon for my first treatment. Just did the underarms that day but will get the bikini done next week. It is really quick and not too painful, although more painful than the brochure says. The brochure says if you feel anything at all, it is like a warm, tingling sensation...WRONG! It is like a needle-prick/hair-tweezing sensation, although it is extremely brief. What the feeling actually is is the hair being pulled and attracted to the laser beam, so once the laser has passed and the hair is released, the pain is over. I didn't have any pain at all after it was over, and even though she said it would be sensitive like a sunburn, I wouldn't agree. Right now, I can push on the area and don't feel any sensitivity at all. She said my hair reacted very well, especially for the first treatment, and I should have excellent results. She seemed pretty surprised at my level of pain tolerance as well; I guess it isn't as bad as a tattoo, which was my question when she said it was going to hurt. She said some people say it's worse than that and others say it's not...I'm one that says it's not. I'm so excited about not having to shave these areas ever again! Oh, and I did decide to get rid of it all...looks like most of the voters in the poll would agree with my decision;>

Nice and scary...

NS is still being a total sweetie, but he's kind of freaking me out a little bit...not enough for me to run, but enough for me to wonder what is going on in his mind. I think he believes he has some serious feelings for me, which is nice but very scary to me. The "L" word has not been dropped, but there have been several times where it felt like he wanted to say it but held back. I really hope he continues to hold back, if that's what he's been doing, because I don't know what my response would be. I really don't believe we know each other well enough to feel that strongly about each other. While he is very sweet and kind and different from every other man I've been with, I don't feel like I "know" him, and I know he doesn't know me. Most of this ties into not knowing much about each others' pasts. I don't know how many girlfriends he's had or how the relationships ended; I do know he hasn't spoken unkindly about any women from his past (two have been mentioned briefly), which I've read is a good sign. The only relationship from my past he knows about is IFKAMH, and that may very well be the only one that counts as a "relationship", but I certainly have more than him in my past. Maybe that stuff doesn't really matter...I just don't know. I do know I'm scared to even think about falling in love again, but I'm trying not to be completely guarded, emotionally speaking, because I don't want to live like that.

The other freakishly scary thing is that he seems to be planning for his future based somewhat on what I want. Last week at lunch, the topic of places to live came up. He was talking about Charleston, South Carolina, and I mentioned my previous desire to move to Galveston, Texas, before ending up back home in Virginia. He said he wouldn't mind moving to Texas and should certainly be able to get a job there. I couldn't help but think why he felt he needed to be okay with living in Texas if he didn't want to. The next night when we were out, he told me about how he was searching for places where he could get a job after he gets out of the Navy. He said there was a place about 50 miles south of Galveston in Texas that looked good. So, while he didn't mention me in these plans, they seem to have somehow been created based, at least in part, on what I said about where I'd like to live, but I don't know that I'd want to move anywhere (guess that goes right along with the scared to fall in love thing because I think I would move somewhere if it was with someone that I love and it was going to be the kind of job he's looking into). Good thing all of these plans are years down the road;>

Let the countdown begin...

My divorce hearing is scheduled for 9 a.m. Thursday, January 19th!

This date has been pushed for the third time now. First date was to be today, but my attorney's secretary failed to tell me that she needed more money from me to file the paperwork. She claims to have called and left two messages, but I never received them. So, I paid the additinal $363 for the filing costs and the paperwork was sent via courier to the courthouse. So, the hearing should have been able to be done next Thursday, the 12th. I get a call today saying that the clerk of court took his sweet time actually filing the paperwork and it didn't get dated until 12/27, which means the earliest I can have my hearing is the 18th. This wouldn't be so much of an issue except that I am trying to coincide this hearing trip with other people that will be helping me get my house ready to put on the market, and I had already made reservations and booked a flight for next week since she told me that the filing takes 2-3 days from when they get it...it took over a week. I've changed all my reservations, but I hope that this next weekend will still be convenient for everyone else.

So...I will be divorced in 14 days!!

Sunday, January 01, 2006

Happy New Year!

More later. Hope everyone had a safe and fun New Year's Eve;>