Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Confession of my soul...

It is time to come clean.

I need to share about how much my heart breaks each and every time I come across a woman that is pregnant and getting out of the "danger zone" of the first trimester. It reminds me of how I seem to fall into the small odds of statistics so easily.

It wasn't likely that I have twins. I didn't have a family history; I was 22; I was white (well, still am); I used no form of reproductive assistance. All of those factors gave me a 1 in 100 chance of having twins; that's only a 1% chance.

It wasn't likely that I get pregnant with Baby Angel at all. I was on birth control pills, which are supposed to be over 99% effective.

It wasn't likely for that pregnancy to end like it did. I saw the heartbeat; I was out of the first trimester before I barely had time to realize I was pregnant. Having no history of miscarriage before, my chances were fairly low. The chances of miscarriage after seeing a heartbeat via ultrasound are less than 5-7% and are supposed to be less than 3% (if even that high without history or other factors) following the 13th week of pregnancy.

Sometimes I want to scream, "You can't stop worrying! Look what happened to me!" But, I can't warn anyone that they can't stop worrying because for most, they can, and I am so happy for them that I wouldn't want to cause them any more worry. Sometimes it isn't good to beat the odds, so I'll hope I can just be average next time around;>


jen said...

what a beautiful post. my first time here and already chiming speak w/ a poignancy that is very real.

Skyqueen said...

I feel for you. It's hard not to look at the numbers. So hard I'm sure. You had said that things happen for a reason and I'm of the belief that baby angel will make it into your world in some way. Just look for it, you'll know when you see it.

In the meantime we're all with you

Jonathan said...

We fell into the 1% bracket on our second go at IVF. Lost the baby after having seen a heartbeat twice.

I'll write the story on my blog one day when I'm feeling brave.

Celebrate Woo-Woo said...

jen - Glad you like the first post you read enough to comment;>

skyqueen - While I am still sad sometimes about what happened (even though I know it had to have been for the best), I'm more sad because I can't not think about it when I read or hear about other pregnant women feeling relieved to get out of the "danger zone". As much as I know they're probably all right not to worry so much, it reminds me that there is always a chance for things to work out differently.

jonathan - I am really looking forward to the rest of yours and Wendy's story. I can't imagine trying so hard and getting so close to have it slip away.

Jessi said...

I've gotta agree with jen. It was my first time through here and you captured me. So delicate yet completely honest. *hugs*

Mombat said...

So sorry to hear it, but a nice post.

Jippy said...

My son has special needs. I am not brave enough to have another child. I confess to a bittersweet affection for healthy happy children. I also fear for pregnant women. I just smile and never say that it just comes down to luck. You never know.

Joy T. said...

Glad I decided to start going through the list at NaBloPoMo. I'm sorry to hear of your loss.

A relative went in for her 8 month check-up and mentioned to the doctor she hadn't felt the baby move from the night before. He said to be safe they would send her for an ultrasound because he didn't 'hear' anything when he examined her. She lost the baby and it was the most horrendous time. I don't think I'VE ever gotten over it and consequently worried right up until all three of my children were born when I was pregnant with them.
Great post and I'm sure not an easy one.