Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Some things just aren't easy...

There are some things that are just hard for me to do, including:

* Sharing things that are a result of my attempts at creativity and accepting compliments about those things as genuine, like scrapbooks or jewelry.
I think this may be because they almost never turn out the way I imagined they would, and even if it still seems great to other people, I find it difficult to accept that.

* Asking for help.
I really don't know why this is an issue for me. Maybe it has something to do with having to be fairly independent and self-sustaining when I was younger, when it was just my mom and me. Maybe I somehow believe that if I can't do everything for myself, then I've done something wrong. All I know is that I hate using the phrase, "Can you do a favor for me?", which causes me to feel the need to dole out multiple "thank you"s for things that are probably not a bother at all for other people to help with.

And the one that inspired this post...
* Initiating sex, or being the aggressor.
Whatever you want to call it, it's next to impossible for me to follow-through with. I come up with plans and ideas of how I'll do it but then chicken-out, like something awful will happen. That something awful, in my mind anyway, is rejection. That unlikely (and probably slightly irrational) possibility awakens a deep fear in me, and I can't bring myself to do anything more than a notch above ultra-subtle. I can't fully blame the situation with IFKAMH for this out-of-whack fear of rejection I harbor because I had it with him, too...unfortunately, I do think it has gotten worse since him. This subject came up between NS and I last night, and although I don't think he knew because it was dark and I wasn't really looking at him, it made me cry. It made me cry because it wasn't the first time I've heard those words (even though NS did a better job of saying it than IFKAMH ever did), yet because I was crying I couldn't actually tell him that or explain why I have trouble with this....damn it, I'm crying now. I have got to get over this, not only because it really is unfair for him to always be the one to inititate but because I need to be able to demonstrate that I trust him not to hurt me...even if it's just to myself.

1 comment:

stacey said...

About initiating sex. Ya I have trouble with that too. I am NOT good at it at all. I think about it and how I'm going to start iniating, but then next thing I know I chicken out and BAM I close right down. type deal.
My husband hates that I don't do it. He gets so frusturated with me at times.