Tuesday, October 10, 2006

I guess I can only hope that this is really the right thing to do...

IFKAMH called last night to speak to M and J. They were eating dinner and watching t.v., so they paid no attention to the voice on the phone. After he finished talking at them, he asked me what we were going to do. I requested clarification for such an odd question. He said he wants to be part of their lives, but it's hard because of the distance and other circumstances. I explained that those are places he put himself and that I have never prevented him from being able to be involved in their lives. I then also explained that I think it has been too long for him to reappear now. He said that he wants to be there because he loves them. I told him that I'm sure he does love them, he'd be crazy not to, and that I'm sure he regrets what he did, he'd be insane not to, but that doesn't mean that his trying to reenter their lives now is a good idea. I tried to help him understand that this is not about what he wants, or even what I want...it's about what is best for M and J. I tried to help him understand that they really do not know who he is at all. I told him that I cannot prevent him from seeing them, although I think it will cause more harm than good because he has been out of their lives for over half the time they've been alive and that they simply don't know him as their dad. I said that I thought what was best at this point is for him to realize that he made some very poor choices in handling this situation and to live with that and allow M and J to decide when they want to reacquaint themselves with him. Almost everyone agrees that my thoughts on this subject are in my boys' best interest, but it doesn't make it any less difficult for me to truly accept that I really am not being selfish about this, somehow convincing myself that it is what is best for them rather than what is easy for me, but I suppose questioning my motives could be a sign that I am doing the right thing. It just seems like he's had long enough to step up and be the kind of dad they deserve, and since he has continued to fail even after countless opportunities, he shouldn't get to make that decision any more.

4 comments:

Stacey said...

Wow! You always seem to handle these types of situations so well. Nice work!

Dr.Jeeeol said...

NS is more their Dad than he is.
You did the right thing.

Skyqueen said...

Wow! I can tell you right now that it was a good choice.
I can speak for being a child and not having my dad in the picture at all. I knew him very little when I was young and my mother did the same as you did. She never prevented him from seeing my brother and I but like you said, the best thing for the boys is for to let them know their father when and if they are ready.

I feel lucky that my mom made the choice she did. I couldn't imagine the rollercoaster of emotion I would have gone through at such a young age.

It's tough no matter what.

Hang in there!

Jomama said...

I have been thinking about you lately and wondering why you haven't updated and I was going through bloglines to get your url so I could leave you a note and as soon as the page loads, there is your link with 9 new posts. How funny. I have a lot of catching up to do. . .