Tuesday, September 26, 2006

This just can't last much longer...

I've been in an odd mood the past few days. I'm not used to feeling like this, and I really don't like it.

I feel tired yet restless all at the same time...yep, still having trouble sleeping. I am drop-dead tired at all the wrong times of the day, yet when it comes time to actually go to sleep, I just can't. Until the past couple nights, it didn't even seem to be because my mind wouldn't rest. Last night and the night before, however, I have had thoughts racing through my head that were probably keeping me up. I don't even know how I fell asleep last night; I remember unpleasant thoughts and worries and remember trying to just relax and calm down but don't remember closing my eyes. I guess I did, though, because I was asleep at 5 or 530...whenever NS's alarm went off.

The fact that I'm still carrying most of the weight I gained with Baby Angel even though I am not pregnant and don't have a baby is taking its toll on me, I think. I hate having to pick out something to wear every day because I just don't feel comfortable in most of my clothes since most of them don't really fit anymore. I thought joining the Y was the perfect opportunity to lose that weight, but I don't know how often I'm really going to be able to go. I had a 4-5 day plan in my mind at first, but the class schedules aren't that great for me, so I was working on settling for a 2-3 day routine at the Y with another few at home...after last night, though, I don't know if that will work, either.

NS and I attempted to go to the Pilates class last night. As soon as we walked into the ChildWatch center, M and J started bawling and spun back to make a dash to the door faster than you could imagine. They did not want to be there. NS was kind enough to take them back home so that I could still go to the class (though they weren't too thrilled about that idea when they first realized that I would not be going with them), but I don't see how I'm going to be able to go to the Y with any consistency if they refuse to go to the playroom while I'm there. In order to go before work, which I would only be able to do for swimming in the pool, I'd probably have to get the boys up at 530 in the morning. Lately, I've been waking them up at 7 to get them ready when they used to be up on their own before then...not at all complaining about the later wake-up time but I refuse to wake them up earlier, especially with the only reason being so I can go swimming. There isn't enough time for me to go after work while they stay at their regular daycare because of when that daycare closes. My only other option as I see it right now is just strictly doing my Yogalates at home after they go to bed, which should work but will mean less time with NS at night and seems like a waste of the money spent on the Y membership. I'm going to keep trying to get them used to the ChildWatch playroom, though. I'll probably try to take them this weekend and spend some time in there with them and maybe take them swimming afterwards. Hopefully, they'll be able to tolerate it a little better soon. I'm only asking them to do this for an hour or so a few nights a week; I'd think they could handle it without having nervous breakdowns.

The other stuff that was bothering me last night is unnecessary fear of future things that may or may not ever happen. This kind of worrying is not something that I used to do; it doesn't do much good to worry so much about things you can't control. If I let the fear get to me, then I could end up unhappy and regretful, whereas if I try to put the fear into persepective, realizing that it is a result of the poor decisions of an idiot rather than a "normal" person, then I can enjoy all the good coming from right now and just let the future happen as it will. I have been struggling the past couple nights with justifying the risk I'm taking in hopes that I will continue to be happy because of all this fear of what could happen, and I don't want to think like that...I promised myself I wouldn't.

I think I just needed to get this out of my head and put it somewhere else...maybe this post will help put an end to it soon.


Skyqueen said...

You DO have a lot going on. WOW. I don't know how I would juggle it all either.

Sometimes it does help to get stuff out of your head. If I can't sleep at night sometimes I just write stuff down, nothing that has any form but just random stuff that comes to mind. It's also fun to look at later on down the line.

When I lived in Vegas and had sleep trouble I tried these herbal thingies, don't freak out yet, I'm totally not into the herbal mumbo jumbo and I don't like anything that tastes weird.

That said they are called moon drops. The look like altoids and have a very mild taste that I can't even put my finger on. BUT I tried them and WOW I felt very calm and relaxed and somehow at peace, and then BOOM sleep.

I was a total skeptic at first but I gotta say I liked them. You can get them at Wild Oats, or Whole Foods places like that.

Sorry for such a long comment but your post really ralated to mine and I wanted to I guess reasure you that you are doing fine, how do I know, hmmmm good question. I just do.

Here's something also to consider. Things in the past that cause you pain or bad feelings. Don't think about them, what good does it do, it's done and it's more important to feel good NOW!

Whenever I catch myself doing I try to get going in another direction.

Anyway hang in there, you're doing great and you have more people pulling for you than you know!!


Celebrate Woo-Woo said...

Herbal mumbo jumbo is fine with me; I have already contemplated getting an over-the-counter sleeping aid of some kind, so I guess I'll give the moon drops a whirl;> I know I've got to start getting some decent sleep. I think the mind-racing couple nights I've had recently might just be due to the numerous restless nights I've already had because the way my mind is working right now is not the way it usually does.

Jomama said...

I had the same problem with scheduling time to go to the Y. Popeye hated being in the child watch room too. Actually he was fine once I was out of sight, but trying to get out of the room was hard and when he saw me through the window, he would start crying. That's why I had to put my membership (I almost typed membershit. ha!) on hold. I felt like I was wasting my money.