Wednesday, September 06, 2006

I'm actually doing really well...

Thanks to everyone that left a comment to wish me well. It was very much appreciated.

I have been doing really well in dealing with the loss of her, but in creating a scrapbook in her memory, I was looking up poems online last night, and the sad emotions were dominant once again. I can't help but wonder if she was my last. I never fully realized how much I wanted another child...until I was anticipating the arrival of one. I just really hope those couple of months of knowing I was pregnant weren't the last ones I'll ever know.

As is my nature, I'm trying to make the best out of the situation. I am focusing on the positive aspects of what happened and on what I still have to be thankful for. I feel lucky to have been able to see and hold my daughter and to say goodbye because most women that have miscarriages never have that opportunity. I am grateful that I have the memory of her and that she was able to be given a name and that I will forever have the keepsakes given to me by the hospital. I know that I still have so many people around me that love me and care about me, and I still have children at home to be a mother to, even if my baby girl never got to come home with us. Should I be blessed again, I have faith that the timing will be just right; even though we were so excited, I know it must not have been the right time.

Here is some of what will be going in her scrapbook:

***A butterfly lights beside us and for a brief moment, it's glory and beauty belong to our world, but then it flies on again and although we wish it could have stayed, we are so thankful to have seen it at all.***

We go to Earth to learn our lessons,
Of love and life and fear.
My Mommy loved me oh so much,
I got to come straight here.

I feel so lucky to have a Mom,
Who had so much love for me.
I learned my lessons very quickly,
My Mommy set me free.

I miss my Mommy oh so much,
But I visit her every day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillow's where I lay

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear.
Mommy, don't be sad today,
I'm your baby and I'm here.

Hello, Goodbye
Sleeping safe in a dream world
protected by all that surrounds you--
a beating heart
a gentle laugh
the touch of loving hands
And your future wasn't too far away.

We longed to see your smile
hear your cry and dry the tears
We longed to teach you all that we knew
and hold your hands in ours
But time has slipped away
Like the setting sun
upon evening's pale horizon
And in an instant, you left--
(I'm not so sure I'll ever understand.)

There are still lessons to teach
and games to play,
sandcastles to build,
and kites to fly
Things to explore
and monsters to chase away in the night
But you've already gone.

So we cry our tears
and pack up the few reminders we have
of the brief life that ended
before you ever took your first steps
or even your first breath--
hoping only that you'll be happy
wherever you are.

No matter where you are my angel, you have Daddy & Mommy's love!

As I sit and remember
When you were still a part of me
I try to forget...
Your life was never meant to be.
You were given a life, a soul, a name
But now things will never be the same.
You were mine to give life to
Though only for a while
Things had changed...
I will never see your smile.
Yet my love for you
Will never disappear
Though your voice, your laugh,
I will never get to hear.
You will always be my baby.


Jomama said...

I hope no one sees me at my desk crying. That was beautiful.

Sarah said...

You are so strong Woo and it inspires me and this is why I read your blog. Purely for your strength and inspiration.
I think the fears that you are having are very normal especially after going through this trauma. But you are young and I truly believe that if you really want another will have another baby. And I see that in you and feel that from your words. And the way that you embraced this unexpected pregnancy was so beautiful. Not everyone is like that. Are you aware? You have a gift.
I can only imagine that this has made you and NS stronger and closer than you were. Both of you are in love and respect each other so why wouldnt another baby be in order. Maybe I speak too soon for soon. I just dont want you to feel that you somehow feel as though you've missed the boat to have another baby. Simply put, it could not be further from the truth.

Skyqueen said...

I'm so glad that you are doign well. You do have so much to be thankful for. You're an amazing person. The peoms are beautiful and sad at the same time. I also felt lots of emotion at the new title of your blog.

Take care and we are all thinking about you!

Dr.Jeeeol said...

What a beautiful new blog title.

Celebrate Woo-Woo said...

jomama - Sorry to have made you should have seen my puffy eyes the night I was looking these things up. There's even more than I didn't post.

sarah - Thank you so much for taking the time to write such a sweet and thoughtful comment. I know that I will try to have another baby, but with stories of people that try and try, never being successful, I just worry about whether or not it will happen. I am so happy that my blog does so much for you, and I hope it continues to...thanks;>

skyqueen and dr. jeeeol - Thank you.

Eunice said...

I have no idea how you are getting through each day. You are an amazingly strong woman.

I am glad that you got to hold your little angel and that you plan to make a baby book in her memory. She will never be forgotten.

Celebrate Woo-Woo said...

eunice - Thank you. I have to make it through each day...I can't dwell on the past or let it get me too depressed because that would cause those that I love to suffer too much, and I can't let that happen, especially for my boys's sake.

Miljenko said...

I read your poems and am sobbing now. Being a father of two, I can only vaguely imagine the horror of losing a child. Plus, my wife had a miscarriage, so every time we go to church, we light one more candle "for a baby that was not meant to be".