I went to sleep at a more reasonable hour last night, 1130 instead of 130. And, it wasn't a slip-into-coma-from-sheer-exhaustion sleep (that happened the night before), either...I laid in bed, closed my eyes, and went to sleep;> It was wonderful. I'm hoping that weird mood that was hovering over me has finally moved on.
Friday, September 29, 2006
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
Here are the answers to the game...for Dr. Jeeeol, who did a really good job;>
#1 - Fan
#2 - A #2 candle
#3 - Doorknob
#4 - Gas burner
#5 - Inside this Japanese-style lamp
#6 - Jar of majoram spice
#7 - Paperweight
#8 - Plastic cup
#9 - Round candle
#10 - Pair of scissors
Tuesday, September 26, 2006
I've been in an odd mood the past few days. I'm not used to feeling like this, and I really don't like it.
I feel tired yet restless all at the same time...yep, still having trouble sleeping. I am drop-dead tired at all the wrong times of the day, yet when it comes time to actually go to sleep, I just can't. Until the past couple nights, it didn't even seem to be because my mind wouldn't rest. Last night and the night before, however, I have had thoughts racing through my head that were probably keeping me up. I don't even know how I fell asleep last night; I remember unpleasant thoughts and worries and remember trying to just relax and calm down but don't remember closing my eyes. I guess I did, though, because I was asleep at 5 or 530...whenever NS's alarm went off.
The fact that I'm still carrying most of the weight I gained with Baby Angel even though I am not pregnant and don't have a baby is taking its toll on me, I think. I hate having to pick out something to wear every day because I just don't feel comfortable in most of my clothes since most of them don't really fit anymore. I thought joining the Y was the perfect opportunity to lose that weight, but I don't know how often I'm really going to be able to go. I had a 4-5 day plan in my mind at first, but the class schedules aren't that great for me, so I was working on settling for a 2-3 day routine at the Y with another few at home...after last night, though, I don't know if that will work, either.
NS and I attempted to go to the Pilates class last night. As soon as we walked into the ChildWatch center, M and J started bawling and spun back to make a dash to the door faster than you could imagine. They did not want to be there. NS was kind enough to take them back home so that I could still go to the class (though they weren't too thrilled about that idea when they first realized that I would not be going with them), but I don't see how I'm going to be able to go to the Y with any consistency if they refuse to go to the playroom while I'm there. In order to go before work, which I would only be able to do for swimming in the pool, I'd probably have to get the boys up at 530 in the morning. Lately, I've been waking them up at 7 to get them ready when they used to be up on their own before then...not at all complaining about the later wake-up time but I refuse to wake them up earlier, especially with the only reason being so I can go swimming. There isn't enough time for me to go after work while they stay at their regular daycare because of when that daycare closes. My only other option as I see it right now is just strictly doing my Yogalates at home after they go to bed, which should work but will mean less time with NS at night and seems like a waste of the money spent on the Y membership. I'm going to keep trying to get them used to the ChildWatch playroom, though. I'll probably try to take them this weekend and spend some time in there with them and maybe take them swimming afterwards. Hopefully, they'll be able to tolerate it a little better soon. I'm only asking them to do this for an hour or so a few nights a week; I'd think they could handle it without having nervous breakdowns.
The other stuff that was bothering me last night is unnecessary fear of future things that may or may not ever happen. This kind of worrying is not something that I used to do; it doesn't do much good to worry so much about things you can't control. If I let the fear get to me, then I could end up unhappy and regretful, whereas if I try to put the fear into persepective, realizing that it is a result of the poor decisions of an idiot rather than a "normal" person, then I can enjoy all the good coming from right now and just let the future happen as it will. I have been struggling the past couple nights with justifying the risk I'm taking in hopes that I will continue to be happy because of all this fear of what could happen, and I don't want to think like that...I promised myself I wouldn't.
I think I just needed to get this out of my head and put it somewhere else...maybe this post will help put an end to it soon.
The following was written by State Representative Mitchell Kaye from GA.
We, the sensible people of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid any more riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior, and secure the blessings of debt free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great-grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt-ridden, delusional, and other liberal bedwetters.
We hold these truths to be self-evident: that a whole lot of people are confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim that they require a "Bill of No Rights."
You do not have the right to a new car, big screen TV or any other form of wealth. More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing anything.
You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone -- not just you! You may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc., but the world is full of idiots, and probably always will be.
You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful, do not expect the manufacturer to make you and all your relatives independently wealthy.
You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans are the most charitable people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after generation of professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than the creation of another generation of professional couch potatoes.
You do not have the right to free health care. That would be nice, but from the looks of public housing, we're just not interested in public health care.
You do not have the right to physically harm other people. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim, or kill someone, don't be surprised if the rest of us want to see you fry in the electric chair.
You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob, cheat or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don't be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you still won't have the right to a big screen color TV or a life of leisure.
You don't have the right to demand that our children risk their lives in foreign wars to soothe your aching conscience. We hate oppressive governments and won't lift a finger to stop you from going to fight if you'd like. However, we do not enjoy parenting the entire world and do not want to spend so much of our time battling each and every little tyrant with a military uniform and a funny hat.
You don't have the right to a job. All of us sure want all of you to have one, and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect you to take advantage of the opportunities of education and vocational training laid before you to make yourself useful.
You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means that you have the right to pursue happiness -- which, by the way, is a lot easier if unencumbered by laws created by those of you who were confused by the Bill of Rights.
If you agree, we strongly urge you to forward this to as many people as you can. No, you don't have to, and nothing tragic will befall you should you not forward it. We just think it is about time common sense is allowed to flourish -- call it the age of reason revisited.
Sunday, September 24, 2006
Yesterday, I left a little before 11am to go to BJ's with my boys. I figured we'd grab something for lunch on the way before we went shopping. On the drive over, I notice the traffic jam on the other side of the road...the way we'll be driving back home later. I have never seen so many cars on the road when there isn't a natural disaster looming or one hasn't just passed. The backup lasted for miles...approximately 6 or 7 miles, actually. What would cause such a traffic-flow catastrophe...one that is still there two hours later after I've had a drawn-out lunch with my boys and taken a leisurely shopping trip? Why, road work, of course! Road work that has blocked a lane through the bridge tunnel. So, the normal travel time for this trip is about 30 minutes but took us close to four and a half hours this afternoon. Do they realize where else I could have gone in four and a half hours?!? Traveling in another direction, I would have been able to leave the state either north or south in 2-3 hours. As I finally see the work being done in the tunnel, I truly wonder if it was necessary to block the lane in the middle of the day, let alone the whole weekend that is scheduled. I didn't see damage to the road nor did the work seem to be of any significant nature that it couldn't have been spread out over the week, working only during the late night/crack-of-dawn hours. But on the bright side, I got to capture some priceless moments of my boys;>
J felt it necessary to smear Oreo crumbs all over his face.
M managed to stay a bit cleaner.
Guess he decided he needed to stretch his legs a bit.
He daydreamed out the window instead.
If you'd been trapped in a car, especially on a bridge, for that long, you'd be delirious, too.
His animals even plotted an attack on his head.
Saturday, September 23, 2006
Having some fun with my new camera and figured we could play a game...
Below are 10 pictures of various things. The challenge is to figure out what the things are; just put your guesses in a comment. I will post the full-size pics on Wednesday.
These are some of the first pics I wanted to take with my new camera. They are close-up shots of the flower arrangement that was given to me by my co-workers when I got back last week.
And my officemate received flowers as well because we apparently have the office of doom (her mother-in-law passed away the day before I got back)...
Friday, September 22, 2006
The FedEx truck.
When I stopped by my apartment last night to see if the FedEx door tag had been left to indicate the driver had already been there, attempting to drop off my new camera, I found the truck waiting for me; she said she was just playing with Big Dog through the door. I was so sure that I'd miss the truck or that the package wouldn't be at the FedEx location in time for me to make it to the Y last night for Water Aerobics (because I've had horrid luck with this before), but I was pleasantly surprised.
Oddly enough, my camera was supposed to take 8-10 days to arrive and took all of about 2...now if I could just get my memory card so that I can take more than 5 pictures, I would be positively giddy;>
Yippee!! My washing machine washes clothes once again;> NS installed the new pump...not really the problem, though. Turns out we both assumed that the agitation and spinning and all the other movement that the washer is supposed to do during its cycle was happening, which is why it couldn't possibly have been the lid switch. Well, that's why you shouldn't assume. The only thing going on in that tub was water filling. So, he got the new lid switch and put that in and then washed the soaking-way-too-long-in-gross-water load that was in the machine when this happened as well as some of the other four baskets or so worth of clothes and towels and sheets that needed to be attended to...see? my hero;>
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
NS and I joined the YMCA last weekend...that was not a good morning for M and J. I went to a Water Aerobics class this evening. It was great! It was supposed to be a deep-water class, but since not as many people are interested in that one, they've changed all the evening classes to shallow water, which is fine with me because I was going to try that one, too. I really like being in the water, and the class went so quickly and felt so great that I'm looking forward to doing that a few nights a week. Must remember to bring towel next time;>
The Pilates class on Monday nights is the only one that I can actually go to (there are plenty on all the other days of the week during the day...guess they figure only people without jobs, or those with night jobs, want to go to Pilates classes and the rest of us only want to do PowerCut weight-training). I can hardly wait to go and see what it'll be like. I've never done a strictly Pilates workout; I have a couple DVDs of Yogalates, which is a combo of Yoga and Pilates, and I love them. The Y also offers a combo Yoga/Pilates class called PiYo, but again, only offered during the day. I'm pretty sure NS has agreed to try this class with me, so at least I'll have someone to laugh with when I screw something up;>
Last fall, when I was actually able to find time to do my Yogalates 3-4 times a week, I started to notice a bit of change in the mess of skin that is now my tummy. The stretchmarks don't bother me in the least; hell, I've had stretchmarks on other parts of my body for at least 15 years...but, the skin that doesn't seem attached to my body any longer is something I would change if I had the wish (no surgery, though...it's not that important to me). So, let's hope these core-focused classes (the Water Aerobics is as well) will not only help me have some endurance for that vacation but also help put some flab-ab skin closer to where it belongs;>
You know that issue I've had with my washing machine just letting icky water sit in its basin? Well, yesterday I decided to see if I could find out what could be causing it. Based on the knowledgeable information Google found for me, I narrowed the possibilities down to three:
a) something caught in the drain's path (obvious one, huh?)
This was determined to be an unlikely cause since that would probably have led to very slow draining rather than the non-existent draining that is currently plaguing it.
b) malfunctioning lid switch
NS tested this for me...not the cluprit. Based on what I read about this possibility, I didn't think it really would be because the washer would start and run most of the cycle...it just would complete it.
c) broken pump
This is what I felt it probably was (because option 'a' was just too simple of a solution and a non-wallet-draining one at that...where's the fun in breaking yourself if you aren't gonna cost any money to fix;>). This is what NS believed it to be after he did some of his own searching. This is also what both of his parents said it was likely to be as well.
Since the verdict was unanimous, NS ordered a new pump for me (yay!!), which should arrive before the weekend. Thank goodness...lordy, I need to do some laundry;>
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
Monday, September 18, 2006
My turn to get a new toy!!
Since I've become rather fond of snapping pictures and have encounterd a few occasions recently when I've wished I had a decent camera with me and didn't, I thought it would be a good idea to get a little camera to keep with me all the time.
So, I started by looking at cheap digital cameras (under $75)...but then figured why not buy a better camera than the one I have now and just use my current one as an extra...now, the one I've chosen will probably be the one with me all the time;>
I was a bit of a copycat and bought the same camera that skyqueen bought back in May. Her pics always look so clear and beautiful, and after reading some other people's reviews of that camera as well as a couple others in the same Canon family, it seemed apparent that Canon has a reputation for gorgeous picture quality and that the SD600 model will be perfect for what I want it for.
Now, I am excitedly expecting my new toy and can't wait to see what kind of improvement my pictures will have. I'm especially looking forward to what should be great low-light shots. I am also quite pleased with how much, yet at the same time how little, this whim ended up costing...I got the camera, a spare battery, a 2GB SD memory card, and I bought a case to carry it in for a total of about $335;>
Sunday, September 17, 2006
But, I can't help that my stomach turns and wants to escape and disappear whenever I see the commercial for T.G.I. Friday's new fried green bean appetizer:x
I am generally a fan of green beans boiled and seasoned or out of a can...but breaded and deep-fried?? My digestive tract says that just ain't right. I think it is the fact that green beans have little seeds inside, or maybe they're little beans (I'm not sure what they are, really), and them being deep-fried just conjures samplings of the texture of fried okra, which my tummy also does not find appealing.
I guess I'm just not southern enough to think frying green beans is an improvement on the original...or even a good idea;>
Friday, September 15, 2006
Can you guess what you should never have in the home of a single mother with two three year-old boys and a dog that sheds fuzzy black hair?
Quick...three guesses to get one of them right;>
* A washing machine that has a full load of clothing sitting in detergent-laced water that will not complete a rinse cycle or, God forbid, drain said sudsy water
* A missing steam cleaner
* A vacuum cleaner that has such great suction that it attempts to eat a yoga/pilates resistance band but then quits sucking dirt the way it used to...like the best fluffer you'd hope to have
So, I can't wash my clothes in the convenience of my own home, can't really get the peanut butter and jelly stains out of the carpet (or the milk and juice that is sure to be lingering below the surface), or even vacuum the cheerios, crackers, dog hair etc. so that it doesn't seem too icky to sit on the floor (or the couch, for that matter). I'm significantly less than thrilled about these things.
Thursday, September 14, 2006
A couple years ago, I guess, I found out about a website that gives online rebates. It's called ebates. Bascially, ebates has a list of online retailers and as long as you make your purchase from the retailer by clicking the link from ebates, then you get a percentage of your purchase back as a rebate, or an "ebate";> I have my ebates set to go to my paypal account, which is very nice and convenient because I can either use it to buy stuff using paypal or transfer the money to my bank account. My latest ebate was a bit over $90, and I found the coolest little backpacks for M and J. I would probably not have purchased them had I not had the money sitting in paypal because $40 for a toddler's backpack is a little much in my opinion...$20, fine; $40, not likely unless I have an annual income much closer to six figures.
Anyway, I felt compelled to share all that so I could show off my boys and their bags;>
M got a monkey
J, of course, got the clownfish
I came to realize last night as I was utterly and unhappily wide awake at 11 pm with my alarm set to scream at me at 5:30 am that there is a very good reason for my recent insomnia (this hasn’t been the first night…I was regularly up until 1 and 2 am most nights last week and until I knew I was going back to work). While I get fairly drowsy sometime between 7 and 8 in the evening, I can’t very well go to bed right then since my boys aren’t in bed yet, but by the time I should be going to sleep, I am no longer longing for my pillow and blanket and dreamland. Since my mind was calculating how many days are left until it’s been 3 weeks since Baby Angel’s delivery and whether or not it is really important to wait that long, I fully understand that I am having trouble sleeping because I haven’t had any sexual relief for a while now (not as long as I’ve been forced to refrain before but still too long) and can’t until the 19th, next Tuesday. That was the least amount of time I was given. First it was the standard 6 weeks, and then I read 4 weeks on my discharge paperwork from the hospital, but when I asked my doctor’s office about what restrictions I had, I was told nothing is allowed to enter my nether regions for 3-4 weeks…that does mean absolutely nothing, so I can’t relieve myself, either. I was giving some serious consideration to whether or not this waiting period is actually mandatory but have decided to hold out and suffer for a few reasons: I’m still bleeding and that is the reason you’re supposed to wait anyhow, I just started the pill again Tuesday so I need that week for it to kick in, and I really don’t want to take any unnecessary chances on my reproductive health (although whether or not the chance was unnecessary was becoming questionable in my mind as I lay in bed last night aroused and pondering if NS would be upset at all if I woke him up so that I could go to sleep;>). 5 more nights and counting…
Wednesday, September 13, 2006
The follow-up appointment yesterday went well, although I was more emotionally affected by it than I had anticipated.
One pregnant woman left with her significant other and what looked to be like her mom with what seemed to be ultrasound pics in hand; I couldn't help but think about how that was supposed to be me this morning...coming in for the "big" ultrasound, the one that measures all the baby parts and when you find out the gender. There was also a couple there toting a newborn baby boy, who were likely there for the mom's post-delivery 6-week follow-up. When they were called to the back, all the nurses were just giddy about oohing and ahhing over the little bundle of joy; I couldn't help but think about how that wouldn't be me nearly as soon as I thought it would (that is unless these new pills don't do their job any better than the last ones did). I was rather down when I walked out...and rushed out pretty quickly in order to try to avoid crying in public since I'd already done a good amount of blinking back tears while in the waiting room, observing those other women.
So, other than a few heart-tugging moments of sadness while there, I have recovered well and am back on "the pill". I'm a little scared to trust it, but the only option that seemed better was an IUD, and the doctor said it was a really expensive alternative to the pill if I wasn't planning to use it for several years like it's intended to last. I've also read that the IUD's effectiveness really only reaches it's peak after the one-year mark, and I'd like to think I won't be on birth control after a year, especially if NS does have to go on his boat's deployment...so, I decided to go with the pill again, albeit a different brand;>
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
My poor NS is going home sick this morning (with any luck he'll be home already). Apparently he was quite ill last night and is now very achy this morning. Hopefully it was a bad reaction to something called food that was served on his boat and not something contagious...'cause I'm returning to work tomorrow, provided my doctor doesn't instruct me differently when I go in for my follow-up appointment later this morning.
IFKAMH's latest behavior has given me great reason to be happy that I am no longer married to him.
When I told him the news of my pregnancy, his only response was that I "shouldn't have made that mistake". What a wonderful way to view the birth of a baby; I'm sure his daughter is grateful for his view of unplanned pregnancies being mistakes. I responded very simply that although I didn't mean for it to happen, I didn't think of it as a mistake.
He happened to call the day after I'd been released from the hosptial after Baby Angel's birth. I told him what had happened and while he did at least ask if I was okay, he then totally lost any humanity points by telling me that he didn't really think I should have been pregnant or have any more children anyway. Excuse me?!? I told him quite frankly that it really isn't up to him. The way he said it was like he thought I was trying to get even with him for having had a baby with DA, and he just sounded completely cold and heartless...and selfish. If either of the two of us shouldn't be having more children, I think the world can agree it is him rather than me. At least I take care of the children I have, which is more than I can say for him. He meets his financial obligation and not much more; I'm fairly certain that is only done consistently thanks to automatic payroll withdrawl. He's never sent any extra money (despite saying he would when he could) even though he knows that the child support amount he's required to pay doesn't even cover the cost of daycare let alone anything else, and he's only sent a couple of packages of stuff for them...a few toys and some Easter-specific items shortly after Easter and then a toy tool set and a shirt for each of them a couple months ago.
And the last conversation that just left me wondering how anyone can really be so out of touch with reality took place on Friday (again during the day...why he doesn't put more effort into calling M and J instead of me is beyond my level of comprehension). He actually has the audacity to talk about how we were supposed to be together forever. Well, yeah, maybe that was what we both had in mind a few years ago, but that isn't going to happen now. He was rambling about how I'm with someone else and he's with someone else and it just wasn't supposed to be like that...all I can think is that he had his chances to make a different decision but didn't. I said even if it wasn't what we planned to happen, it doesn't mean it wasn't for the best. I explained that I am happy with my new life and cannot imagine any future where I would feel differently about him than I do right now. I kind of feel sorry for DA since she's apparently still with him yet he is still trying to keep his options open, but then again, I don't know why she wouldn't expect that from him by now. I just wish he would leave me alone altogether and pursue completely different options with whom he might have a chance.
Monday, September 11, 2006
When M and J and I went to Wally World last week for a nightlight (yes, there's a story to that, and it has not served its purpose), we found these very cool hooded towels.
J is a Nemo fanatic. If it's got Nemo or Nemo's dad or Dory (you get the idea) on it, then he loves it and wants it. So, when we saw this towel, we had to have it;>
M isn't much of a fanatic about anything in particular except his puppy (who is currently missing inside the apartment and has been for a couple days...oh the explanations I have to go through every day and night now), but he likes things such as Elmo and Spiderman. He got a Spiderman towel...
These towels even have little pockets for their hands so they can have "wings"...too cute;>
The first weekend of October, I will be heading down to North Carolina to see my friend, T, marry her baby's daddy;> It's going to be a little reunion of sorts since all my closest friends are going to be there, so I'm very excited. Plus, T is getting a bachelorette party, and I've actually never been to one, so that should be fun...and since I won't be pregnant, then I will be able to have a drink, or two, or three (always look on the brightside;>).
Another visit from NS's parents should follow that wedding weekend. I'm looking forward to spending some more time with them since I had so much fun the last time they were here.
The snowy vacation with NS and his family may be moved up from January to December. We're going to Whistler mountain in Canada. NS has raved about how great this place is for snowboarding, so I'm hoping to do a lot better than my one and only other snowboarding experience. The boys will be coming with us and will go to skiing lessons while we're snowboarding, provided they don't positively hate it after the first day. I can't wait to see them all bundled up in snowsuits with skis strapped to their feet. I'm sure the little daredevils will have a wonderful time with it and will beat me down the mountain before we leave;>
My next relocation will either happen much sooner than expected or a bit later. NS's boat isn't supposed to be deployed until August now, which means there's a slight possibility he'll be able to get his transfer before then. If not, then the move would be a little bit later than I'd originally thought when the deployment was supposed to be in July. So far, the top two choices for the transfer destination are Hawaii or Bangor, WA. While Hawaii sounds absolutely wonderful to me, especially climate-wise, I think Bangor could work out well, too...the cost of living is much less than Hawaii, yet the pay is higher, and plane tickets are cheaper to and from Washington than Hawaii. Of course, if my mom's husband continues his current pattern of behavior, then perhaps my mom won't have to be too upset about me and the boys moving...maybe she'll just move, too.
It doesn't seem like it has been five years since our country was terrorized. Maybe it's because we are still fighting a war that resulted from the attacks that the horror still seems so fresh.
As the tributes and memories were played on the radio this morning, I couldn't help but relive the emotion I felt that morning. Even though I knew no one that was a victim, the fear and hopelessness they must have felt is something I could only imagine to be the worst experience to ever bear, and it made me cry today just as it did five years ago.
I remember being with my mom that morning, getting some breakfast at Chick-Fil-A before a doctor's appointment I had. We were listening to the Howard Stern show and thought he was playing out some kind of joke when talking about planes hitting the World Trade Center towers. It wasn't until we arrived at the doctor's office and saw the television news coverage they were airing and the receptionist crying that it occurred to us that it was absolutely real. I still went to work that day, but they allowed anyone that felt they needed to leave to do so, and I took that opportunity without a second thought; I had no reason to be at work during that time since no one was calling their cell phone carrier about delinquent bills...I wanted to be with my family because I didn't know whether or not this horrific tragedy was over yet and how much time I'd have with them.
I know the events of that day made me want to never waste another minute of my life doing anything without a purpose. I was enrolled in undergraduate college courses at the time but had no idea what I was trying to get a degree for. It was shortly after 9/11 that year that I withdrew from the classes I was taking. I didn't want to waste precious time or money doing something that I didn't see helping me get where I wanted to be in the future. My thoughts on that have since been altered but only because I have some idea of what I want a degree for (other than personal satisfaction) and see it helping me achieve other goals in my life. It's not a waste of my time anymore, but it was then.
More than anything I can remember, that grim and doom-ridden day made me appreciate everything I have to be grateful for and just how blessed my life is...and most importantly, to take the time every single day to think about that.
Thursday, September 07, 2006
|You Passed 8th Grade Science|
Congratulations, you got 8/8 correct!
While I figured I'd pass the quiz, I wasn't positive I got them all right;>
Wednesday, September 06, 2006
Thanks to everyone that left a comment to wish me well. It was very much appreciated.
I have been doing really well in dealing with the loss of her, but in creating a scrapbook in her memory, I was looking up poems online last night, and the sad emotions were dominant once again. I can't help but wonder if she was my last. I never fully realized how much I wanted another child...until I was anticipating the arrival of one. I just really hope those couple of months of knowing I was pregnant weren't the last ones I'll ever know.
As is my nature, I'm trying to make the best out of the situation. I am focusing on the positive aspects of what happened and on what I still have to be thankful for. I feel lucky to have been able to see and hold my daughter and to say goodbye because most women that have miscarriages never have that opportunity. I am grateful that I have the memory of her and that she was able to be given a name and that I will forever have the keepsakes given to me by the hospital. I know that I still have so many people around me that love me and care about me, and I still have children at home to be a mother to, even if my baby girl never got to come home with us. Should I be blessed again, I have faith that the timing will be just right; even though we were so excited, I know it must not have been the right time.
Here is some of what will be going in her scrapbook:
***A butterfly lights beside us and for a brief moment, it's glory and beauty belong to our world, but then it flies on again and although we wish it could have stayed, we are so thankful to have seen it at all.***
We go to Earth to learn our lessons,
Of love and life and fear.
My Mommy loved me oh so much,
I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a Mom,
Who had so much love for me.
I learned my lessons very quickly,
My Mommy set me free.
I miss my Mommy oh so much,
But I visit her every day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillow's where I lay
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear.
Mommy, don't be sad today,
I'm your baby and I'm here.
Sleeping safe in a dream world
protected by all that surrounds you--
a beating heart
a gentle laugh
the touch of loving hands
And your future wasn't too far away.
We longed to see your smile
hear your cry and dry the tears
We longed to teach you all that we knew
and hold your hands in ours
But time has slipped away
Like the setting sun
upon evening's pale horizon
And in an instant, you left--
(I'm not so sure I'll ever understand.)
There are still lessons to teach
and games to play,
sandcastles to build,
and kites to fly
Things to explore
and monsters to chase away in the night
But you've already gone.
So we cry our tears
and pack up the few reminders we have
of the brief life that ended
before you ever took your first steps
or even your first breath--
hoping only that you'll be happy
wherever you are.
No matter where you are my angel, you have Daddy & Mommy's love!
As I sit and remember
When you were still a part of me
I try to forget...
Your life was never meant to be.
You were given a life, a soul, a name
But now things will never be the same.
You were mine to give life to
Though only for a while
Things had changed...
I will never see your smile.
Yet my love for you
Will never disappear
Though your voice, your laugh,
I will never get to hear.
You will always be my baby.