Tuesday, May 09, 2006

I’m not sure what to do with this...

Part of my brain tells me to just take it as random conversation that has no subliminal message because that is what I’ve been told about men. They say only what they mean and are not subtle, but...

The woman in my head says that there are possible hidden meanings to be heard and figured out.

Sunday afternoon, NS was talking about his frustration with the boat and how he got the paperwork to route for his transfer, deciding that he cannot re-enlist and go on deployment with this boat and come away with his sanity intact. Following this information, he starts talking about his not understanding why so many guys he’s known have just settled for women when they could have waited and found someone better (at this point I’m thinking this cannot be a good thing for me to be hearing). He gave some examples, none of which seem to really apply to us right now, and mostly he was having trouble understanding why anyone would all of a sudden decide to get engaged or marry someone that they have done nothing but bitch and complain about simply because they are transferring somewhere…again, I don’t think this really applies to us since I don’t think I’ve given him too much to bitch and complain about;> The conversation then turns to his like for the place he’s transferring to and some of the great things there, like a nightlife where so many people go out and actually dress up and so many restaurants that you could eat out often and not get to them all in a year’s time and how you can get a fresh, caught-that-day seafood dinner for two people for about $20.

That was pretty much it, so you can see how I might just say it was random conversation that means nothing more than what he said, but considering he is transferring, the question of where we stand will eventually have to be raised. I’ve never actually had to be the kind of girl that asks about “the future”, but I’m gonna need to know at some point so I can either cut ties or make plans. I couldn’t help but wonder if the hidden meaning is that he’ll transfer and that we’ll be over because he isn’t sure I’m the right girl...or if it was a way of letting me know that if he decides he wants me to come with him that it wouldn’t have been a casual decision and he wouldn’t be settling for the wrong person and it's a great place to live.

Why not just bite the bullet and ask? Because I don’t know what I want to happen yet. I’m afraid of making another mistake, so much so that I can actually tell that I’m holding back emotions sometimes because I’m scared to feel them. I question every feeling I have wondering why I feel that way, is it right for me to feel that way, and if it’s real. I also question whether or not he could actually be happy with me. That is probably the part that makes me saddest...the fact that I have lost confidence in the idea that I could make someone else happy enough to want to be with me and stay with me. I guess the reason I’m doubting these things so much now is because I never doubted those things with IFKAMH, even though what happened with IFKAMH probably had little to do with me and more to do with him, even though he now admits to being an idiot and has tried to convince me to let him have yet another chance (yes, he’s been told no, never, get over it, give up...so no one needs to worry;>). It seems that as long as I don’t know where things are going, then I don’t really have to decide how I feel, I just continue to enjoy our time together, being happy. But since it isn’t all about me, the time will have to come for me to find out if this is going to be continuing or not.

1 comment:

GA girl said...

Oh girlie...He probably was just talking, bu I'm like you, I'd have dissected every word and looked for every possible meaning and conotation. Good luck.