Saturday, April 08, 2006

Had something all typed up few nights ago but it disappeared...

I had typed up a whole post and was getting ready to post it when I guess I pushed something on my keyboard and made it disappear. I was quite pissed at the time because it was all about my boys calling NS "daddy", which needs to be documented;>

Last Saturday morning, while M was being changed, he started yelling for NS but was calling him "daddy". I tried quietly correcting him, telling him NS's name...to no avail. Sunday, J picked up on M's new habit and began using it himself. From then on, they have referred to him as "daddy" and have become noticeably attached to NS...asking for him when we get home at night and even in the morning when he's not there.

Saturday night, NS and I went out for dinner. He began telling me about the conversation he'd had with his mom earlier, when he'd been driving home to take a shower before we went out. He told her about how we'd tried to get the boys to take a nap before we went to the motorcycle shop (I'm getting a jacket, a helmet, and gloves...'cause he got a new bike) but were unsuccessful. She asked him if he was good with the kids, and he told her he couldn't be too bad since they seemed to like him...in fact, he must be pretty good since one of them had called him 'dad' that morning. Now I knew he'd have to have been deaf not to have heard M say it, but this is what got me...he then told her about my making a big deal of correcting it and he wasn't sure why. I was rather caught off guard. I had not intended for him to hear me making the correction, and therefore I didn't think I had made a big deal of it since I had done it quietly. He insisted that if I did it because I thought it would bother him then I could be assured that it didn't...not at all.

While that is fine, I have now begun to wonder why it doesn't bother him. Is it because the boys are only two and don't know any better? Or is it because he is really fine with the idea of being their dad? That kind of scares me. I'm not sure that we are really at that level of seriousness or commitment for him to be thinking like that, but then again, it is really sweet, and I don't know that I'd mind it in the long run...I just haven't really begun to think about it (the big L word still hasn't been spoken by either of us).

I am also a bit concerned about the boys' attachment to him, especially M, who is certainly more attached. M took IFKAMH's disappearance pretty hard last year. At the very least, even if NS does stay around, he will be going out to sea for a full six-month deployment next year. I know a lot of military families deal with that...I was one of them when I was a child, but I'm not sure that he'll take it well. Those other military families are usually families that live together when the military lets them, and while NS does spend more nights with us than not right now, his boat just got back, and he'll be having to go to work all five days of the week again, so I'm not sure if he'll be keeping up with that, and that still isn't the same as living together full-time...although I'm not sure, I think he may have been hinting at that last week (but I am sort of guy-like in that sense...I don't usually catch on to hints very well, which is why I try not to use subtle hints when I'm trying to communicate something important). It was just him talking about the uncertainty of his living situation towards the end of this year. One of his roommates is leaving soon, for which they have a replacement lined up, but the other one is thinking of leaving when the lease is over, which is less than six months from now. He doesn't really want to renew with a short-term lease because it may not be worth it, and he doesn't think the place is worth the price if he has to share half the cost instead of a third. One of his better friends may or may not be transferring...if he doesn't, then NS can stay with him until next year's deployment, but if he does, then that plan doesn't work. So, while not directly implying anything, the more I've thought about it, the more it seems he may have been trying to solicit an offer from me. I really don't know how I feel about that. I have no qualms about living with someone I'm not married to...however, I do want the thought of marriage to at least be in the picture before I decide to live with someone, especially since the boys will be affected by this, too, and I'm not sure that I'm going to be anywhere near that frame of mind in less than six months.

Anyway, that's the stuff that I had intended to post a few nights ago but somehow erased. Not much else going on really...job's going well, house closed so I'm debt-free now (yippee!!), and boys are getting more and more grown-up every day.

1 comment:

Eunice said...

Wow, that's a lot to think about. On the one hand, it's great that he's so good with the boys, but on the other, like you said, the whole attachment thing could be a problem if things don't work out or when he gets deployed in the future.

Unfortunately for the boys, they may begin to make a bad association that men in your life will leave eventually because their dad did it to them first. Then they'll only fear attachment and it will be even harder for you. Especially since they are boys and as they get older, they are only going to want to protect their momma.

BUT...something I've learned is not to worry about things that may happen in the future when it's still so uncertain. I hope that you have a happy ending no matter what. You definitely deserve it.