Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Separation, divorce, and moving...

My mom is apparently very unhappy with her marriage to my step-dad. I knew their marriage was not one that I would be happy with because they didn't seem to have any real love between them, but I figured my mom had reached a point in her life where finanical stability and companionship were more important factors than heart-fluttering love. I was wrong. After I returned from Florida, my mom told me some things that have put her over the edge, on which she had apparently been for a long time...before I even moved to VA. He doesn't really share with her, like he doesn't just take time talking to her and telling her about stuff that's going on or asking her about what's going on with her. She feels very neglected, even though he is generous with gifts and money. This is exactly what I noticed after moving here, but like I said, I thought that was what she was looking for...I must admit, I'm glad it's not. So, Friday night she asked me what I thought about us getting a place together for a little while because she just didn't want to be with him anymore. I said that sounded fine to me and agreed that this is not my preferred place to stay. He has turned out to be a very controlling man, much like all of the other men in her life have been. I don't know how she always manages to find these control-freaks, but she does, and this one had me fooled for a while, too. While I can understand restrictions on me (somewhat) because this is not my house and I am benefiting from living here (even though I still pay my own mortgage and utilities and bills and daycare, so I'm not exactly living the easy life considering I have no actual income), but to treat her like that is really odd since she is supposed to be his wife, a partner in life together, not a guest in his life.

He came to me on Sunday while my mom was working to talk about the situation. He feels that the problems stem from his feelings about me not contributing enough to the household. He feels that I should just be a cleaning lady (although he said that wasn't the case) since I'm not currently working and shouldn't need to be asked or told what needs to be done around the house. Now, I do certain things around the house without ever being asked or told because I can easily see they need to be done, and I know how to get it done...such as laundry and dishes. The boys and I can accumulate a ton of laundry on our own, and the dryer here takes practically two full cycles to dry a load of clothes, so it may not seem I help with their laundry all that much, but I do what I can, and I always fold anything that comes out of the dryer as long as I see it first. Dishes are something I do every morning, with the exception of yesterday because I was out interviewing and didn't get back until dinnertime. I have vacuumed a few times, but there were other times that I felt I could and would like to vacuum but could not locate the vacuum anywhere! I explained this factor to him...not being able to locate the vacuum on several occasions. He said that it is usually 'here' or 'here' but if I look in enough places, I should find it. This was basically his response to his idea that I could notice if a bathroom needed to be cleaned when I asked about supplies. I have absolutely no problem helping out, but in my house, I keep cleaning supplies in the same place...always, and I have certain things I use for the bathroom and others that I use in the kitchen, etc. Since I don't know what they have established in this house, that is not a task I would just try to figure out and do without any direction because I am very picky about the cleaning of my own house. I'm not sure I agree with the idea that I should just start hunting for cleaning supplies and hope I find what is supposed to be used, which could easily take an hour, at least, without ever having started the cleaning process. The real kicker with all of this (besides the fact that this was not the reason my mom is unhappy with him, although it may have been what pushed her over the edge instead of just continuing to totter on it) was that he actually said that I should do all this housework without any idea of what he would like to be done but that he won't notice anything I've done (obviously since he feels that I do nothing), so I need to let him know when I've done something. This is just not my style. If I've done something around the house because I felt that it needed to be done, then I'm not going to go around and brag about it later just so someone notices, but I guess that is why he views me as lazy and ungrateful because he doesn't realize that I have done stuff without being asked simply because I haven't boasted about it to him or my mom.

Needless to say, my mom disagreed with his assessment of their marital problems and is working diligently to get us into another place. He's just gotten worse in the controlling department since my mom has brought her unhappiness to his attention (although I know she's mentioned stuff before, but maybe he wasn't listening those other times...and that is one of their real problems). So, in about a month or so, my mom, the boys, and I will be moving to an apartment for a little while and will see what we'd like to do, either live in our own separate places or continue to sharing a place, once my house is sold.


Danielle said...

Well u know gurl that sounds like a plan......and if you wind up not liking the living sitution or it becomes too much you can always move out. *hope mom is okay*

GA girl said...

When my mom retires, she's going to sell her house and live in my GA house since I'm never there. So technically, I'll be living with my mother too. Somehow, when we left VA for college in FL, I never thought we'd end up living with our moms again. Especially since that was what we were both so desperatly trying to get away from. Life's wierd, huh?