Friday, September 30, 2005

I am just way too nice...

Airforce drummer and I (along with two of his married couple friends, so very unlikely he isn't single) went out tonight...well, I guess now it's technically last night, but I just got home half an hour ago. I have learned that he is either not very perceptive or just downright selfish (maybe both). While I did not let his stick inside my shed, he did get a blow job.

I say that he is either not perceptive or selfish because I was trying to give signals that I wasn't interested in that much contact tonight: I refused to take off the shirt I was wearing over my tank top, I said it probably wasn't a good idea for me to kiss his "weak spot" (middle of his chest) since I needed to leave soon, and I avoided touching him anywhere below the belt...until he put my hand there. So, it starts with a hand and ends with a mouth.

I realize that, one, I am too nice...I don't feel right getting a guy all worked up and leaving him to take care of it himself (probably not normal, I know), and two, I have some kind of fear of just saying no to guys. I think that comes from the one time I bothered to say no to sex with a perfect stranger and got ignored. So, on one hand I am not a bitch, and I feel like I would be one to get him excited to the point of erection (whether purposefully or not) and just tell him I won't do anything about it...I know I would be pissed if a guy did that to me, and on the other hand, I feel like I must deserve more respect than this. I keep wondering if he expected that to happen all along or thought I had given off some other signal that said that is what I wanted to do. I can't say I've never been accused of flirting or giving off some sex vibes without realizing it...but am I doomed to premature intimacy with every man I go out with until I learn how to say no? It sort of seems like it.

So, this guy may be good for a night out or some tension relief when needed (due to his seemingly selfish nature, I think he's going to have to relinquinsh some control for me to truly enjoy that act, but he's definitely got certain great physical characteristics for me to work with;>), but I'm thinking that he's definitely not a keeper...too bad, because he's one of those "good on paper" guys for me. I really wasn't even very turned on, and I'm not sure if it was because he seemed to be ignoring my signals above or something else...maybe Sexy Eyes' descriptive email has spoiled me;> He took the time to create such a vivid scene for me that was all about me...the only place my hands touched him in those two pages was his head (the one on top of his neck, for you dirty-minded people out there). That is sexy, and that is what I need right now; I've been taken advantage of by a selfish prick already, I don't need that again...I need a guy that thinks about what turns me on and tries to do it. At least it's a good sign that I realize that much;>

Thursday, September 29, 2005

Per request...

I will NOT share the entire email, partially because it is way too long, but more so because it's mine and I'm keepin' it to myself;>

But, I will give you an excerpt (setting: I'm in the shower, and he is peeking in at the back of the curtain)...

I see you.... my eyes fixated on your beauty....the look of you there, nude, wet, my heart increases its beat... I unconsciously lick my lips and bite my lower lip.... your beautiful and sexy.... here is the woman, that has captivated my attention, and to now, be able to see all your sexyness...sends a rush of desire through my body. You then turn quickly, as if somewhat startled... I see surprise, then I on your face...You see my blue eyes as they pierce into your depths... I don't say a word...nor do you.... as I move forward to catch you as you fall into my arms as if waiting for me to hold you. I wrap my arms around you, as you lay your face to the side against my chest....and I feel a sigh of if me holding you was theraputic. Then.... our minds begin to join we are faced with the reality of the situation...and off the stresses of the day.... And now... here you are, in my arms.... skin to skin... the feeling of your body against mine is like a drug..... you feel so good... my arms wrap around you a little further..a little tighter...pressing your breasts against my chest....feeling your thighs against mine... your hair just below my face.... As our excitement almost immediatly builds.... we both pull our faces back to look at each other for a moment...then we both meet each other with a kiss that holds complete passion and pleasure in one..... Your lips are so sweet....our mouths fits so perfectly together as our tongues meet.... MMmmm... the taste of your lips and tongue is invigorating. I reach one hand behind your head, under your hair, and hold you with my other hand wrapped around your back....keepin you close to me with every taste of your lips. Hearing... your soft subtle moans as we kiss....raises my intensity... and makes me want you even more.

Now you have an idea of what I'm dealing with here...this was about the middle of the first page...there was more than a page after this! I can't help but say it again...I want him;>

Well, mine was pretty damn accurate...

Saw this on jomama's blog. Mine turned out to be pretty accurate for me. Quick, easy, no-thought-needed quiz;>

ColorQuiz.comCelebrate Woo-Woo took the free personality test!

"Longs for tenderness and for a sensitivity of feel..."

Click here to read the rest of the results.

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

And he has a way with words...

Sexy eyes drew me in even more if the eyes weren't enough.

To pass the time of waiting until next weekend, our flirting has escalated a bit;>

After I sent him some "sweet dreams" pics, I received a very detailed description this morning of what I can expect from him when the time comes. The man drew out a meeting and foreplay into nearly two pages of a Word doc (single-spaced, 10 pt Arial font), all about him pleasing it any wonder why I want him?

My first date...I guess

I suppose it was really more of a meeting than a date, but I'm calling it a date since he asked me to meet him somewhere, we had drinks and food together, and he paid;>

The encounter with the Airforce drummer went well. He seemed decent enough and was relieved to see that I closely resembled my pictures. He did as well, so I wasn't faced with any surprises about what he looked like. He seems alright, seems single anyway. We will probably go out again this weekend.

This is quite a new experience for me. I haven't been single since I was 17, and I have only had one "real" date...most of my encounters with the opposite sex back then revovled around one thing, and one thing only;>

this one isn't any funnier...

So, going by my 23rd "text" post on June 9, titled "Where the hell is this coming from?!?", the fifth sentence is: He asks if I think that we belong together.

Still nowhere near as funny as this game should have been:(

new tag

I've been tagged by johnny...

The Rules:
1. Go into your archive.
2. Find your 23rd post.
3. Find the fifth sentence (or closest to).
4. Post the text of the sentence in your blog along with these instructions.
5. Tag five other people to do the same.

My actual 23rd post was just a picture.

The Text:

J is quite excited about his spoons

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I may try to figure out the 23rd text post tonight and redo this;>

The Tag:
1. GA Girl
2. Eunice
3. Danielle
4. Jomama
5. Silly Nessa

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

Until next weekend...

Sexy eyes and I spent most of the day flirting back and forth via email and text messages. Seems as though we have made tentative plans to meet next weekend, the 8th/9th.

It will be a long wait, and I could have said I was available to meet this weekend, but I didn't want to appear as infatuated and enticed as I really feel;> It was odd even thinking that way because I have never been one to play games like that, but I need to take the time to get a grip on myself to make sure I don't do anything stupid. A little anticipation couldn't hurt, right?

Plenty more blogging to come, I'm sure;>

Well, I'm going to try to give him the benefit of the doubt...for now

Airforce drummer is going to get to meet me tomorrow afternoon...still not sure if we're supposed to be eating or drinking, but whatever.

I didn't call him this afternoon, and a little before 1pm, he emailed me. It said he hoped I wasn't mad about last night and still wanted to see me tomorrow. My response was that I wasn't mad but very cautious, having been deceived in my previous relationship. The next email gave his explanation that his cell dropped the call. I can believe this as I have the same service provider, and their reception here truly bites. My suspicion came from the fact that I had no contact from him until this morning...he could have so easily have emailed me last night, but I suppose it is possible that he just didn't think of it (although this reasoning still doesn't cast a favorable light on him). Anyhow, he wanted me to call him after he got off work @ 4pm.

I called tonight around 8:30. Nothing weird happened, and he seemed genuinely disheartened that this caused such a problem. So, we have agreed to meet tomorrow afternoon at the Mexican place, which my mom told me has a great lunch buffet. The only reason I am going is because my mom will be coming back to the house to stay with the the whole thing shouldn't cost me anything (it better not, anyway);>

By the way, GA Girl, he does have a dog, a chocolate lab, but he still wasn't the reason for the disconnect. I guess he missed that "with pets" box on the living situation section, but he did mention it in his description, so I guess I'm guilty of not reading;#

I want him!

Eyes emailed me back last night. He would like to give me something to do around here;> So, even though he's about an hour to hour and a half away from me, he's willing to come to me.

I got more pics of him this morning...he's sexy, and I want him. If he's wearing blue when I see him in person, I may need to be pulled off of him;> I think he is going to be exactly what I need right now...someone that will have fun with me that isn't looking for anything long term.

Strike Two...

Air Force drummer has emailed me twice this morning...once from home and once from work. Kind of odd that he wouldn't have just emailed me right away last night since that is his only way to reach me, and he's so eager to talk to me and was told that I stay up until at least midnight.
He apologized for us getting disconnected last night but offered no explanation and simply said that the phone didn't ring when I called back...funny, it rang three times on my end. He's hoping I'll call him today between 11 and 1, which I probably will just to see if he bothers to come up with an excuse, um explanation, as to what happened last night and to let him know that I won't be seeing him tomorrow...I don't think he's going to make it worth paying for daycare;>

Monday, September 26, 2005

Strike one...

I spoke to Air Force drummer this afternoon on the phone (don't worry, I called him, not the other way around...and I did remember to *67). The conversation was simple and easy. He heard M and J in the background, so I told him about the boys. He seemed a bit surprised at first but not put off. He even wanted to see if we could meet up on Wednesday for lunch, or maybe drinks (he didn't make it clear), at a Mexican restaurant near me since he would be in the area visiting his mom. He asked if I would call him back tonight after they were down, and I said sure. He gave the thoughtful response of he couldn't call me because he didn't have my number but didn't want me to do anything I wasn't comfortable with, which I thanked him for. Sounds pretty decent, huh?

Well, I call him around 9pm tonight. He said he didn't think I was going to call because it was so late. I guess he figured that the boys bedtime of 8pm meant I went to bed at 8:15 or something...or that they are so exhausting that I can't keep myself awake for an hour after they're asleep. Night time is my time, and I'm usually up until midnight, at least. Anyway, we barely started talking when he said, "Dang it! I've got to g[line goes dead]". Not quite sure what the rest of that sentence was going to be...sounded like a "get" but seems like a "go". I called back a few minutes later thinking maybe it isn't what I'm assuming and the phone just died and he's got to get to a charger...but I got voicemail. Anyone else think this isn't a single guy? Or is this just my first reaction based on IFKAMH's history? I don't know, and I'm not sure how I'll find out (or if I want to try).

Strike one for "bachelor" number one. Let's see how Navy guy holds up;> I haven't heard back from Eyes yet.

mmmmm...this is getting good;>

Well, I have gotten several other responses on Yahoo Personals that are better suited for me...and of course a few others that are not.

Here are my favorites right now:
Airforce drummer, 33, that I may actually be speaking to later today
Navy guy, 27, that fits every last one of my criteria except for having the kid, but I might be able to overlook it
Farther away than I'd like, 25, but those eyes have me hooked;>

Saturday, September 24, 2005


Okay, my Yahoo Personals profile states: "I abhor smoking of all substances and will NOT be romantic with a smoker."

So, why would someone that considers himself to be someone that "smokes often" think it a good idea to contact me?

Negative points for the smoking, but triple negative for not reading.

Otherwise, this could turn out to be a good thing for me...had 5 more replies today, and I did email one of the 24 year-olds. He could at least be good for a little fun;>

Friday, September 23, 2005

Am I insane?!?

I actually set up a Yahoo Personals profile last night. What the hell was going through my mind? I wasn't drunk, and I don't think my sex depravation has led to psychosis yet, so what came over me? Oh yeah, I am getting desperate to find an easy way to meet new people;>

Had 3 replies when I checked, so it might actually work, but I'm not sure if I want to respond to any of them...

Two of them are 24 year-olds. I really don't think I have that much in common with guys that age. Of course, one of them might be the 24 year-old guy that has the maturity of a 30 year-old...right?

The third is a 37 year-old divorcee. My main obstacle with him is that he has kids (or maybe just a kid), although only living with him part-time. I may be really selfish about this part of my criteria, but I don't want to take on someone else's kids even though I will be asking them to accept mine if the relationship gets that far.

And on a sour note...I thought the whole thing was free, but if I want to be able to reply back and forth on Yahoo Personals, I have to pay a subscription fee (and it's not cheap)!!

Should be over in less than a month...

I mailed off my divorce papers this afternoon. Once they are filed with the court (which may be as soon as next week), I can be divorced once 20 days have passed. This will ease a tremendous amount of stress currently in my life. After the divorce is final, I can actually sell my FL house and officially move to VA. I won't have to worry about which address I put on a piece of paper, and once that house in FL sells, I can lose some (if not all) of my debt and try to start over with a new perspective on how I manage my finances now that I am the only one in charge.

So, to a new beginning...cheers;>

Thursday, September 22, 2005

Things that make you go hmmm...

I chose to watch the rerun (although new to me;>) season finale of CSI last night instead of the season premiere of Law & Order...have I been converted?

We all know why I quit the job last week...

The veterinarian that owns the animal hospital called me last Friday to find out my side of the story since, in his own words, "{OM} sometimes twists thing to have a different meaning"...why is he allowing this woman to manage his office?!?

I explained to him the same reasons that I had given OM. He understood my point of view but did not whole-heartedly, still not the place for me to work. He did tell me that OM had basically told him that I quit because I blamed getting sick on the fact that they share phones. Hmmm, interesting take on all the stuff I told her. I did tell him that the concern about sharing things like computers and phones in the office was brought up because it would generate a vicious cycle of sickness, causing me to miss even more work, but that was not the root of my reason for quitting. Apparently, he hadn't thought so and wanted to hear it from me. He did say that he was sorry to see me go because I had caught on more quickly than any other receptionist they've had working there...I know this is true because that is what I do. I didn't put that wonderful skill on my resume for nothing; unfortunately, I don't think most employers fully grasp my knack for picking up new skills and information quickly and putting them to use almost immediately until they have me in the job...their loss really.

On a bit of a job side note, that career quiz I posted last week might have been accurate. I have been giving some heavy consideration to getting back in school to get a psychology degree and using it to become a counselor or a teacher...eerie, uh?

Yeah, I've been slackin' again

But I was sick, and so were my boys...

I finally have good news: the sickness has left the house!! The boys were still scaring me half to death up until Tuesday. They were running fevers every day, all day unless they were pumped up with Children's Tylenol or Motrin (generic of course;>). This would mean J had been running a fever for over a week, and M had suddenly developed a fever after he was better...scary. Of course, we make a doctor's appointment for Tuesday afternoon, and Tuesday morning...neither child has a fever. Figures, right? So, $40 in co-payments are shelled out to have him say, "They look healthy to me." Oh well, better to be sure than to the ER later with something more serious.

I slept most of the morning on Tuesday since they were feeling so great and behaving so well, which made me feel great. By Tuesday night, you would have never thought I sounded like death the night before;>

So, since we are all healthy again, I went yesterday to get my deed and divorce papers notarized. This charade with IFKAMH should be over soon. I just really wish I understood what happened; I think a better understanding would help ease some of my fears about my future.

Friday, September 16, 2005

Hmm...parole officer or librarian?

Obviously I don't have much to say today (yet;>), but I discovered the blogthings quizzes again...

Your Career Type: Social

You are helpful, friendly, and trustworthy.
Your talents lie in teaching, nursing, giving information, and solving social problems.

You would make an excellent:

Counselor - Dental Hygienist - Librarian
Nurse - Parole Officer - Personal Trainer
Physical Therapist - Social Worker - Teacher

The worst career options for your are realistic careers, like truck driver or farmer.

Who's My Daddy?

Saw this on eunice's blog...

Your Daddy Is Pedro Martinez

What You Call Him: Daddy-o

Why You Love Him: He's your sugar daddy

Thursday, September 15, 2005

No more fantasizing about the HOT UPS guy...

I quit my job with the animal hospital yesterday no more sightings or interaction with their UPS guy:(

With all of the sickness I've been amongst with my boys, I was bound to end up with something myself, right? Well, I of Tuesday night, I was miserable, but I was still planning to go to work because I thought I could just get some rest that night and feel better in the morning. Nope. I woke up yesterday just as miserable, and the medicine I had taken the night before had done absolutely zilch to ease the soreness in my throat or the pain extending down the sides of my neck from my ears. I always assume that I've just caught a cold when I get these symptoms, so that is what I told the office manager (OM) when I spoke to her yesterday morning...she left a lasting impression on me that seriously made me rethink working at this hospital.

She implied to me that I may be lying about being sick...specific comment: "You sounded great when I talked to you yesterday." While I may have sounded fine on Tuesday morning when I spoke with her, I doubt that I sounded great. Even GA Girl can attest to the fact that I got worse as the day wore on since she realized I didn't sound quite well when I talked to her Tuesday afternoon. Next, OM tried to convince me to "come in and pull a few hours if it's just a cold"...I have big problems with this. I am of the philosophy that I try not to spread my contagious disease to others. So, she cares so little about the health of the rest of the staff, and the hospital's clients for that matter, that she suggests I come in anyway. She also tried the guilt trip of saying that everyone else was pulling extra hours to cover me. Last time I checked, I am considered to be in training for the first 30 days of employment and had been there for a whopping two weeks...why are you counting me as a full body that needs to be replaced if I'm not there?!? She then exaggerated by saying that I'd been out more than I'd been at work at this point; the fact is that I had been at work more than twice as many days as I was out. She then said that I would need to go to the doctor and bring back a note; I said that I understood.

I spent a lot of the morning contemplating if I really wanted to waste time at the free clinic (since I am not insured) instead of resting at home just to keep this job. I felt like I was being treated like her child instead of an adult. Considering she told me during my interview that they had been interviewing for a couple of weeks and then made a face that conveyed she was not in the least bit impressed with any of them and that no one else has been hired for this position since I've been there even though they are still hiring more receptionists and people have come in to apply, I think she should have chosen her words and checked her tone a little more carefully. I completely understand that I am new and they don't know if this is just a typical pattern for me, but if she remembered my application, I was with my previous company for over six years and was promoted three times in less than four years of that time and that the reason I left was to relocate closer to my should be obvious that I'm a loyal and valuable employee. I don't care that the timing of my children's and my illness didn't happen to be after my probation period, if you don't have a good reason to believe that I'm not too sick to be at work, then you shouldn't imply such.

When I called to let her know that I just didn't think that this was the right job for me, she simply said that she would have to call me back since the lobby was full of people. Fine. She took over an hour and a half to call me back, apparently because she had spoken with the owner of the hospital without even knowing the reason that I wanted to leave...not smart in my opinion. She thought that it was because I didn't think they were understanding about my children being sick; I made sure to straighten her out;>

I explained that I don't feel comfortable working in an environment that encourages employees with contagious diseases to come to work anyhow. I informed her that this type of behavior simply enables the spread of the disease. You will have better productivity, as research has shown, if you have one sick employee out for a day or two to come back to work at 100% while the rest of the staff is still capable of giving 100% during that day or two than to have that same sick employee come in and work at about 50% while spreading the illness to the rest of your staff who will then come in and only be able to give 50% as well. I would feel differently if the work environment was more like my prior one where I had my own desk, computer, phone, etc. I didn't encounter other's germs there and they didn't encounter mine, so I would come to work with a cold in that environment, but in this hospital where we share computers, phones, charts, and everything, not to mention the fact that I must touch things that are given to our clients, I simply don't feel comfortable with the ease at which my germs would spread and how accepting their hospital is of this. The fact that they do this may be why I'm sick, or at the very least would be a reason for it in the future. I explained that their philosophy of coming to work if it's "just a cold" would simply cause that cold to spread to everyone else there, including me, which would in turn cause my children to get sick, which would mean they wouldn't be able to go to daycare, which would cause me to be out of work. It's a vicious cycle.

I prefer to find an employer that doesn't mistrust my intentions simply because I'm a new employee and respects their staff as much as the client, and in this case the patient. This hospital requires any dog being kept in the hospital, even if just for the day, to have had a bordetella vaccine within the past 6 months...this is not the accepted recommendation, just theirs. They require this vaccine twice as often as it is actually recommended because they feel it is more effective at preventing the spread of "kennel cough". So, why don't you encourage your staff to take a day or two to help prevent the spread of disease amongst yourselves?!?

While I don't catch many things, I do catch colds very easily. And, I don't believe it's doing anything good for my immune system since as a child I never got sick and then sometime during high school, when more kids come to school sick since they would miss too much if they were out, I started getting a couple colds a year. Then, once I started working, the frequency of my colds slowly increased because employers would rather have the employee there with a highly contagious cold than to be out sick.

The OM said nothing that made me feel differently. She made a comment about my children being sick since I started working there...guess that depends on when they consider me to have started working there, but considering I began getting paid as of 8/26, it was a week before my boys were sick, and even then, my mom was the one that took care of them so that I could still go to was another week before I missed any time from work. She said that she thought I was being "overly sensitive" about her statements from our morning conversation and that she has a mortgage and can't afford to not come to work every time she has the sniffles. I am not exaggerating in the least about her statements. I said that is fine for her to live that way, but that is not the way I live and that any workplace that feels that way is not the right one for me. In my mind I was thinking...if you've just got the sniffles, then you've probably just got allergies and should come to work, but I tried not to be as rude to her as she was being to me. She had been somewhat rude to me at work a few times as well, and one of the other girls that works there told me that I should run as fast as I could away from the place because it was bad, and there was more than one mention about high turnover rates for the employees, so I guess it's not as big a loss for me as it will be for them since I doubt they'll be very successful in finding someone as easy to train as I am, but now I don't have a paycheck while I'm looking for another job...and no more HOT UPS guy:*(

Anyway, IFKAMH is supposed to add me to his insurance since we are still technically married at the moment...and I'm starting to think it's not "just a cold" afterall;>

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Lines to use on the HOT UPS guy...

1- I'd like to find out what "brown" can do for me.

2- Do you offer personal demonstrations of what "brown" can do for me?

3- I'd like to request a special delivery of your package.

4- When do you accept deliveries? I've got a special package for you.

5- Is there enough room in your truck for a package that requires special handling?

Monday, September 12, 2005

Well, at least it's not too serious...

So, M was diagnosed with an ear infection in his left ear and an upper respiratory infection. He got an antibiotic to take twice a day for 10 days. J's diarrhea seems to have cleared up and was assumed to just be some kind of virus, like rotovirus, that just needs to run its course and could take 10-14 days to do so.

That was pretty good news to hear considering how worried my mom and I were.

But, then there was today. As I was getting the boys in the car this morning to take then to daycare and then get myself to work, I see that J's eyes are nearly fused together with a lovely green crust. So, what do we assume about green crusty in the eyes? eye.

So, I run by the animal hospital to let them know that I probably won't be in and that I'm heading to the clinic to see if he has pink eye. Well, he sure does have pink eye in both eyes, but that isn't all.

She listened to his lungs and thought they sounded terrible. She wanted an x-ray of his chest to rule out pnemonia...which it did, thankfully (just bronchitis). Oh, and he's now got infections in both of his ears.

I had to get the scripts filled without insurance since IFKAMH's coverage isn't verifiable until he's paid a few month's of union's dues. I better get reimbursed for that $102.50 like they promised him they would.

Here's hoping that J starts feeling better really soon 'cause he hasn't been feeling good for the past couple nights.

So far, the animal hospital has been understanding about all this, even though they do wish I could have an alternative caregiver. Why do employers even start this topic? Don't they understand that mothers want to be the one caring for their sick children?!? Even if I can, I don't like having anyone else take care of my kids while they're sick...that's my job, and I'm happy to have it;>

Friday, September 09, 2005

What's wrong now?!?

Well, J had more diarrhea Wednesday afternoon and into the night. It was really bad...constant diaper changes, and the stuff is green:x
I went to work yesterday morning pretty sure that I'd be called by the daycare to come pick him up before the day was over. And I did get the call, but it was for M, not J. M was running a fever of about 101. I'm not sure what to think. They act alright...M's a little sluggish but otherwise in a good mood. The green crap leaking from J's rearend doesn't seem to bother him in the least...the severe diaper rash that has left his cheeks raw does, but he just lets it get worse since he doesn't do anything or say anything to indicate he's dirty (he's been going so much I don't think the smell is strong enough anymore) because he doesn't want to be wiped and just sits in the stuff that caused the rash in the first place. So, they were fine for two days, and now, I don't even know. M was 100.5 before his bath last night and was shivering when he got out of the bath. I had to bundle him up just to go back to get his brother out of the tub. He woke up with a 100.7 temp. this morning. It came down with medicine, but I'm still worried. And I thought J might be getting better since he didn't have diarrhea last night or this morning, but my hope was crushed when I changed his diaper before naptime. To make me even more upset, IFKAMH didn't bother to put the boys on his insurance for the entire week he's known I needed him to, let alone the whole day yesterday after I called him yesterday morning explaining that they are NOT better and will need to go to the doctor. I called him in tears last night begging him to do it first thing in the morning because this could be very serious and most places won't even treat you without insurance and those that do don't always provide the best of care. I finally got the information from him a few minutes ago, so we'll be taking a trip to the children's hospital shortly.

In the meantime, I'm in a picture posting mood and wanted to show off my sickly boys;>

J taking his nap yesterday afternoon
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J looking all happy despite really being sick
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M getting ready to go to sleep last night
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It's quite obvious M doesn't feel 100%
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Hope to have some better news soon.

You asked for it, Monkee...and it's long overdue;>

Introducing my two dogs...

First, we have "Sweet Adopted Doggie". He recently had an appointment with the groomer at the animal hospital I'm working for. I think she's awesome...if only you could see the before;>
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Now, this is him being himself, gnawing on his feet;>
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And now, the "Little Devil Doggie". He is in desparate need of an appointment with that groomer;>
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J's first blog entry;>...don't worry, I'll post my own in a little while

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Thursday, September 08, 2005

I am a mess...

The other night I heard a noise shortly after I turned off the light to go to sleep. I got scared. I don't consider myself to be paranoid or afraid of the dark...or of being alone, for that matter, but I really felt like I was in a state of panic. I froze for a few seconds, stared at my dogs to see if they were going to respond, and then slowly reached up to turn on the light above the bed. There was nothing in the room, and I never did hear anything else that night, but the episode got my mind racing...I didn't get much sleep that night.

I realized that I had had someone in bed with me as protection and comfort for over six and a half years. My dogs used to make me feel secure on the few nights during those years that he wasn't able to be there, but they are getting older...and lazier. I don't know that their senses are still as keen as they once were; I mean, if I heard the noise, then they should have, too (at least the Little Devil should have), but they were passed out and snoring while I lay there worrying about my safety. I don't remember ever feeling like this when I lived with my mom as a teenager, but then again, I, like most teens, lived in that wonderfully dangerous state of invincibility, where my mortality is buried too deep in my subconscious for it to affect the way I react to life's events.

This somehow spun off into thoughts of being a single woman forever. Part of me wants this, I know, because I have become very insecure. I don't think I can trust my instincts about people, and I know that I am often too trusting and too quick to believe that people have the best intentions towards me. I worry that I'll find someone that has convinced me he is good and will turn into another of satan's rectums. I have struggled to figure out if I should have known better than to fall for IFKAMH, and I still haven't found any reason that I should have. This scares me to no end. I spent years with this man and have now seen him become someone completely different than the person I believed he was. How can I believe in myself enough not to let this happen again? Wouldn't it be safer just to not bother? How can I take that risk again knowing that the outcome will affect more than just me? My children will be affected by any relationship I have in the future, and I can't bear the thought of them having negative feelings towards their own gender, which I do feel has something to do with IFKAMH's behavior, or thinking that what their father did (and what some other man may do to me again) is what is normal and acceptable...

And then this leads to my thoughts of needing to find someone else to build a life with so that my boys will have an example of what a committed relationship is and how it works. From my insights into other men lately, those that came from families where the parents were still together are the same ones that wouldn't even conceive of doing the things that IFKAMH did and would disown even a best friend if he had done those things. This includes IFKAMH's former best friend...his parents are still married and he no longer considers IFKAMH a friend.

Then, I ponder where in the hell I'm supposed to meet these wonderful men that everyone tells me I will find out there. The last time I was trying to meet guys was when I was 17...something tells me that the guys in their late twenties and older aren't going to be as easy to find as 19 and 20 year-olds.

Of course I wonder how I can expect a lot from these men when I know that I'm carrying some major baggage and issues and don't even know where to begin with figuring out how to resolve my trust issues. How can I expect him to be Mr. Wonderful and accept me with all this crap I'm bringing to the table if I'm not willing to accept his crap, too? Is it okay for me to be that selfish?

Anyway, all of this, compounded by my severe horniness, kept me tossing and turning for a long while the other night. I eventually turned all of this into anger and frustration against IFKAMH and cried myself to sleep. So, like the title warned...I'm a mess;>

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Lordy I need to get laid!

Question: Why did I lay awake last night trying to figure out what type of place is public enough not to fear getting murdered but private enough to avoid getting arrested for indecent exposure or lewd and licivious conduct for having sex with the HOT UPS guy that delivers to the animal hospital?!?

The answer: I am sick and tired (and bored, frustrated, etc.) of taking care of business for myself. I am not all that fond of my "equipment", if you know what I mean (and I'm quite sure you do). So, while I can get some necessary relief from my own personal massage, I much prefer to handle those parts that fit so nicely into mine instead. we can tell, my urges are still screaming at me to get some action sooner than later. Just thought I'd vent;>

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

I's been forever

It's been a long while since I've posted, and quite a lot has happened. Let's see...

I got a job as a receptionist for an animal hospital. It doesn't pay much but has some potential, and I like the place and the staff and get discounted animal care;>

I will be getting an UNCONTESTED divorce!! My MIL bribed IFKAMH to get the paperwork signed and returned to me. It took about a week's worth of phone calls, faxes, and emails amongst me, my attorney (mostly his paralegal, whom I am now convinced is a completely incompetent idiot), my MIL, my mom, IFKAMH, and a title company near IFKAMH. I now have all the paperwork I need so that our house will now be mine and so I can get a court order for child support. I will probably be going back to court after everything is final and I actually have a place in VA to have the amount of child support reviewed because it is ridiculously low and will end up having me, who makes $6/hour less than IFKAMH, paying well more than half the cost of care for our boys.

My boys caught Roseola from their daycare and had weird little red bumps pop up all over their bodies. They are better, finally, but were house-bound for 3 straight days...which is not something they enjoy, so we had quite a fussy household this past holiday weekend. On top of some fussy, sickly toddlers, my mom, her husband, and I seemed to have caught some of what the boys had even though it is supposed to be extremely rare over the age of 4. We were all puking for a couple days over the weekend. The timing was great for me considering I just started a new job; I started getting sick about an hour after I got off work Saturday afternoon and got better yesterday afternoon.

So, that is the condensed version of past couple weeks of Woo-Woo's life;>