Tuesday, May 31, 2005

Meaning of a Birthdate?

Your Birthdate: July 20

Your birth on the 20th day of the month adds a degree of emotion, sensitivity, and intuition to your reading.

The 2 energy provided here is very social, allowing you to make friends easily and quickly.

Yet you are apt to have a rather nervous air in the company of a large group.

You have a warmhearted nature and emotional understanding that constantly seeks affection.

You are very prone to become depressed and moody, as emotions can turn inward and cause anxiety and mental turmoil.

It can be hard for you to bounce back to reality when depression sets in.

When things are going well, you can go just as far the other way and become extremely affectionate.

So what do the shoes say to you?

Looking at the pictures below...what would come to mind if you saw a woman wearing them? I got different comments today from women and men. The women said hooker if I had been wearing something more provocative, or possibly biker bitch; the men said dominatrix regardless of what I was wearing. The guys seemed to think these shoes meant that even though I might seem quiet, I will whip their asses once the bedroom door is closed...which may not be entirely misleading;> I just thought they were nice shoes for cheap...go figure?

view 2 Posted by Hello

view 1 Posted by Hello

Good, clean fun this weekend...

My mother-in-law (wonder if that's what I'll call her after her son is no longer my husband??) came up to visit this weekend. She arrived Saturday morning and left before I woke up yesterday. It was nice. We went carpet shopping for my bedroom, got frustrated with her son's actions as of late, talked about what I should do and not do (meaning what I tell IFKAMH that I know and what I keep between myself and family/friends), and had a blast with my little guys. I guess they are really used to just having me around the house now because they were acting out a bit while she was here, especially during meal times, but then again, she can often cause me to act out, too. She's a 60 year-old Jewish woman from New York; I am a NOT, to say the least...I was brought up as a Southern girl, for the most part, meaning that I am a bit more demure than she. So, some of the things she says will get to me and cause me to act out, and usually trying to hold my tongue and be nice all the time will exhaust me, which held true this weekend. I always attributed my lack of energy while she was staying with us to be the volatile relationship between her and IFKAMH, but he wasn't here, so while more pleasant with less conflict, she still wore me out with her loudness and less subtle opinions and comments...but I can't help but love her since she is not blind as some mothers would be, thinking that her son is infallible. I attribute that to the fact that her son became a better person after his involvement with me, so she sees that as a result of me and not him, and besides that...I am the one with her grandsons, whose great development she also attributes more to me than him (sad, huh?). So, even though I had the offer to go out on Saturday night, I simply needed to retreat to my bed for some much-needed sleep, especially considering the lack of it I've had lately.

We took the boys to the pool on Sunday. They were champs in the pool last year but must have forgotten how much they loved it because they were a bit timid (M downright scared) at first. They slowly got used to it again and had fun, though, which was a great treat. Going to the pool with the two of them is one of the few things I can think of that I dare not do on my own.

I did some shopping yesterday...the 36D fit! Thank goodness VS is having their semi-annual clearance sale, at least I won't have to spend a small fortune replacing all the new stuff I just got a month ago:>

That's my holiday weekend in a nutshell...good, clean fun;>

Friday, May 27, 2005

Me? Sinful?? Nah...

Your Deadly Sins

Greed: 60%

Lust: 60%

Envy: 40%

Gluttony: 40%

Sloth: 40%

Pride: 20%

Wrath: 0%

Chance You'll Go to Hell: 37%

You'll die in a shuttle crash, on your way to your resort on the moon.

I think I'll post one of these things every day or week or somewhere in between;>

Boy Toy or Boyfriend?

After seeing IFKAMH yesterday, I realized that all the crap he's put me through recently has really distorted my former affection and love for him. I truly believe one's attractiveness is directly related to how he acts; this is evident to me now because I used to look at him and see the most handsome man in the world (when he acted like I mattered and didn't lie to my face or live in make-believe land), and yesterday I found him nearly repulsive the first time we met up and simply a tad better the second time because it looked like he had at least cleaned himself up a bit and was no longer holding a cigarette in his hand or smoking one. The meetings are another story in and of themselves, but I've already put that in writing elsewhere and don't feel it would be interesting reading at all.

So, to my title question...
The lack of appeal IFKAMH had to me yesterday leads me to believe that I may be ready to put myself out on the market as a single chic again, but I'm not really sure what I'm hoping to find, boy toy or boyfriend.

Do I just want the rebound boy toy that could possibly cure some physical frustrations for me and give me something (or someone, as the case may be) fun to do? Or, do I want to look for someone with potential for a future with me and my children? I'm not talking about jumping into bed with anyone the moment we meet, but what am I looking for out there? I know that I don't trust men right now, so looking for a boyfriend will likely be pointless, but will I really be able to deal with the truly casual relationship? I was quite good at casual relationships in my past, so it's quite possible I could be again, but do I want to be?

I guess the best thing to do is to just get out, see what's available, then decide what potential those I meet will have in my life...

Wednesday, May 25, 2005

J's close-up Posted by Hello

M's close-up Posted by Hello

J is quite excited about his spoons Posted by Hello

really not too sure why M was so upset, but I think he was trying to get to his toothbrush Posted by Hello

playtime before bedtime...Tuesday Night Wrestling with momma, J, and M Posted by Hello

Should I be allowed to have children?

You are allowed to have children
According to your test results, you seem to be a
decent, law-abiding citizen who does not have
sex with animals. Go forth, and spread your
offspring throughout the world, for you have
been granted permission to reproduce. Hooray
for you.

Should you be allowed to have children?
brought to you by Quizilla

Yes!!! Good thing I passed this one since I already have a couple;>

Who is this person?!?!?

Well, the idiot formerly known as my husband (or IFKAMH, as he will now be referred to) called me this afternoon.

Brief background: we have been a "couple" for over 7 years, would be celebrating 5 years of marriage the end of June...he has never acted like I was anything other than his ideal woman or like our relationship was anything but ever-lasting until a couple months ago. In this less than two months, he has done and said the most idiotic things that people using even minimal brain power would have said, "Dude, that's just dumb! Please rejoin us in reality; it's not that bad." Everyone that has heard the situation from me feels he is in need of at least a severe ass-kicking, if not worse...

So, he is calling, more or less, to try to convince me to meet him tomorrow to sign some paperwork for his 401K loan. I really don't mind doing this, but the point is that he has done absolutely zilch to help me get through this disaster he's so suddenly created, so I'm not so eager to help him start over with his new life when I haven't gotten the information I need from him to do the same.

More background:
-He promised to go to counseling but bailed out on both appointments.
-He keeps saying he needs time to get on his feet before paying child support...um, no. Our pregnancy was quite planned, although the twins were unexpected, so he already committed to that obligation and his lack of purpose and direction in life right now is not a decent excuse to not aid in basic care for these kids.
-He has seen these boys exactly one time since April 17th, and that visit was 15 minutes according to him (so I'm thinking 10 minutes would probably have been the max).
-He has called specifically to tell the boys hi and that he loves them exactly three times. Two of those were the result of guilt trips and coercion by his mom and/or me.
-He does not call or see them as often as he should and doesn't even bother to follow through with the promises he's made about these things.
-He has only seen me once in all that time as well, for maybe a total of 5 minutes, of which he may have actually looked at me for 5 seconds.
-He has hidden everything possible from me and refuses to talk to me about anything other than his need for money (or his disbelief about the warning message I sent to the numbers of the women he has been speaking with on the phone).

So, no help from him at all in my getting past this, so why exactly should I be willing to help him without any return? And why should he expect this from me?

He also tells me in this phone call that his mother is going to help him get a place to live. I later find out that she has only offered her help on the condition that he acts like an adult and at least works out satisfactory arrangements with me. When confronted with this, his response is: I thought I told you that. Seems to me if that had been disclosed, then we would have discussed a hell of a lot more than loan paperwork and where to find the notary public for it!

He then tells me that he is no longer working with his current employer. He doesn't say why (this is unsettlingly typical of our conversations as of late: no explanations for any behavior or actions). When I ask where he is working, he answers: no where right now. Excuse me? So you quit your job without having another one?!? (This is another unusual thing for him; he's never done this in the nearly 7 years since we moved to this area of Florida.) He says he's got something lined up. I ask him what it is. His response is simply that I'll know about it. What is that supposed to mean...I'll know about it? He said that since he's going to have to pay child support that I will know about it. (Now if that is the case, why keep it from me now? Sounds like someone wants to remain under the radar to avoid child support...selfish, manipulative, deceptive bastard!)

After his mom (who has been extremely supportive to me during this mess, by the way) told me what the conditions were for her help, she asked that I call him back and explain that I am not satisfied with everything and until I am, she will not be providing any monetary assistance to him. She also suggested that I meet him with my attorney, so that everything could be documented in writing; I completely agreed. She also thinks that his new job is in another state; I am sure it is...wouldn't be a complete escape from reality to stay where he is and face the possibility of having to see me on occasion.

The return call to him ends with an agreement for him to meet with me and my attorney.

More idiot traits: the man has yet to consult legal advice about this turn of events (to my knowledge, that is...guess he could be keeping that from me as well, but he made no indication that he would be represented in our meeting, and seeking legal advice would be above his level of maturity and responsibility at this point in time, I'm afraid) and seems to think this relationship can be dissolved like that of a girlfriend/boyfriend situation where the two simply move on in separate directions.

Speaking with his mom again, we conclude that he is of the mistaken frame of mind that he owes no one any explanations but we should all be bending over backwards to help him get money or give him money so that he can start over with his new life. Somehow, this doesn't sit well with us. I guess he will find it just isn't going to work that way.

I don't necessarily believe that he has really left his job, but don't think that is out of the realm of real possibilities, either, though...I simply don't know what to believe about IFKAMH anymore. I have documentation of so many lies that he has been caught in and so much evidence of stuff he's kept from me that it would be idiotic of me to believe a single word uttered from his mouth. I'm not sure he even knows what the truth is or how to speak it anymore.

What a shame...I never imagined I could feel this way about him, so much animosity and loathing. But, then again, I don't really know this person because this is certainly not the same man I once knew...I did NOT fall in love with and marry a coward, liar, cheater, or idiot; I just know I didn't!

Keys to My Heart

Well, I think most of these are accurate right now, except that whole elegence and good manners thing (recall the sex object entry...love male crudeness and all) and the fear of marriage.

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to good manners and elegance.

In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored.

You'd like to your lover to think you are loyal and faithful... that you'll never change.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was insecure and in constant need of reassurance.

Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage as something that will confine you. You are afraid of marriage.

In this moment, you think of love as something you don't need. You just feel like flirting around and playing right now.

So that's His reasoning!

Well, after last night's confessions from a woman in serious stages of withdrawl...I have determined this is why I haven't found a sitter yet. I certainly cannot go out in public, where alcohol is likely to be served, in this state. God knows that I don't want to regress into my past, so He is purposely keeping my sitter search at bay until I'm ready to have fun without that pesky sexual tension occupying my every thought. See what an optimist I am;>

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

I just can't sleep... (WARNING! - not suitable for children)

I am so sex-deprived that I can't even sleep. The Bullet has pretty well worn out its use to me in the past month and a half or so; I doubt the fix from it would last long enough for me to even drift off let alone to sleep restfully, which I haven't been able to do in at least a week.

Just the clothes against my nipples are sending those unbearable throbbing sensations between my thighs...I swear I could get off with just nipple play sometimes; it's like the nerves there are directly connected to those responsible for that indescribable release of tension followed by an immediate state of satisfaction and calm. Taking the clothes off won't solve the dilemma since I will then have to deal with the blanket or the chill from the a/c. Why are they so agonizingly yet delightfully sensitive? If I'm ever having difficulty reaching a climax, the right touch on just one of them is sure to send me over the top quickly...

I guess I'll just have to try the vibrator and hope it will give me sufficient relief 'til morning. Wait, it is morning; I've got to get up in less than 5 hours...what on earth have I done to deserve this?

Amy, you had better be right about the three months, only 36 days to go!!!!!

my boobs don't know how big they are:(

I am so tired of trying to figure out what bra size I am. Victoria's Secret's chart has me at like a 40A...they don't even make that size!?! Yet, the way I'm used to figuring it out (measure around your rib cage, beneath your breasts=band size...VS has you add 5 to this measurement to get your band size, but they're working with supermodels that have a measurement that doesn't even equal a band size, so I'm not buying their method; then, measure around fullest part of chest...subtracting the band size from this number will give you a cup size: 1=AA, 2=A, 3=B, 4=C, 5=D, 6=DD) had me at 38D a few weeks ago (when I decided I needed new bras). Well, now these don't fit anymore. This is highly frustrating because they are brand new (thankfully at least one or two still have tags so can be exchanged...but what a pain!) and I'm sure you all know the price tag attached to VS bras. Now, I measured myself again last night because of the lack of proper fit as of late...well, I'm not the same size I was a few weeks ago, which explains the lack of fit, but instead of being all together smaller than before, I'm now measuring to be a 36DD. This is simply not possible! DD is HUGE (in my opinion), and my girls are NOT! I can certainly see that I need to back down from 38 to 36 because of the measurement, but I think I'm going to see if I can escape with the D because I just don't see the lower part of my boob being enough to fill the whole DD cup, and that is all that I have to fill it. I mean, have you seen those things? I could wear them on my head!

For another bra size interpretation, visit this website...http://www.myintimacy.com/whats_my_size.html. How can it determine bra size based on shirt size?

Monday, May 23, 2005

Why do so many men screw things up so royally?!?

I mean, why do certain guys (almost all that I have encountered lately, and the others I think just need more time, unfortunately) seem intent on screwing up a good thing with a great woman without an even-close-to-good reason?

We all know I am currently married and separated from an idiot. He has no good reason that he can tell me about. It seems, at least partially, to have something to do with some other chic(s?), but he won't even admit that she is more than a "friend"...does he really believe that I will buy this load of complete and udder crap?! Maybe he does since he lives in his own made up world right now; you know, the one where the terrific, loving, devoted wife and kids fall off the face of the earth simply because you no longer acknowledge their existence (oh...except when you think the lovely lady has hurt your ability to spend money on pointless garbage and fast food or is the only person that can help you get some extra money or has done something behind your back that you feel may hurt your ability to continue the "friendships" with these shameless whores) and where there is no reason to pay your bills or budget your money because you are sleeping on your buddy's couch for free. So, he has not admitted any wrong-doing or guilt or even that we are separated...yes, he is not only an idiot, but as it turns out, quite gutless, too. He still has yet to actually tell me he will be staying somewhere else and where that somewhere else is. How hard is it to say that you will be sleeping at your buddy's place until you figure out what you want to do?

Well, anyway, I found out today that someone I know has a screwed up guy in her life, too. Although her's at least has some guts since he admitted to the foul acts of careless selfishness. She and he were on vacation...she had been so looking forward to this vacation, was counting down and everything. By the way, their relationship is of the long-distance sort, so the vacation together was even more important. While there, midway through, he gets a text message from another girl. She sits on this information until after the show they attended. Then she simply curses him and walks back to the hotel, hurriedly and alone and fuming with anger. She decides she can't be in the room with him for a while, so she leaves and returns in the wee hours of morning. They talk...there are two girls, neither of which knew of the girlfriend; one of them knew that it was only sexual and let it go when he said he was done...the other wouldn't let it go and kept trying to pursue a relationship (remember, she didn't know there was already a girlfriend in the picture). He said he was lonely and these things happened during bouts of trouble, but he broke it off with them long before the trip because he just wanted to work on their relationship. Now, this woman has never waivered in her commitment to him, nor has she, to my knowledge, done anything remotely similar to what he's done. I have to wonder if he would be as understanding as he obviously expects her to be if the tables were turned...

So, this leads me to my original question: why do so many men screw things up so royally?!?

not too much excitement

Well, it was Monday, and that is about all I can say about it. I hate the beginning of the week. It means I HAVE to wake up early for the next 5 days, usually also forced to wake my precious boys from a sound sleep to get them ready to go to daycare in hopes of being reasonably on time for work...why does that have to bite so bad?? It was a usual workday, nothing too strenuous and lots of talk with the co-workers. I've really got to find a sitter, so I can go out at night while my precious ones sleep...nothing like some adult fun (and adult beverages) to speed up the work week;>

Sunday, May 22, 2005

Wow...I forgot how good it feels to be treated like a sex object

(by total strangers, that is)

Okay...since all this crap started with my husband and me, I've lost weight. At first it seemed totally related to the stress and sadness because I was losing, on average, a pound a day, so I lost about 12 pounds in a couple of weeks. For those two weeks, I would feel hungry but then either fill up very quickly or not want to eat after I went looking for food; my eating habits changed as well because I wasn't craving fast food or junk food or sweets (this was totally abnormal for me). Well, my appetite has improved since those first couple of weeks, and my taste for sweets and certain "bad" foods has returned as well, but I guess the lost weight helped me use more control when eating. I also do a lot more chasing of my toddlers and walk them up to the playground every weekend, so my physical activity level is better, too. These things seem to have encouraged my continued weight loss, only at a much more acceptable rate. Now, I weigh 5 pounds less than I did two years ago when I got pregnant and can fit into the clothes from back then. My body is definitely different, but I still have a good feeling about myself now; not that my self image was that awful before...just much better now.

Well anyway, I had forgotten how gratifying it is to have cat calls directed at me and to have men literally hang out the window to stare at me. I can't really remember the last time I experienced these things, but I can assure you...it was at least two years ago. (The last time I do remember was at Bike Week 2003, which would have been March of that year, maybe even February.) I will not pretend to be one of those women that thinks cat calls and oogling are degrading to women. I love men and everything about them. I love the fact that they're crude and lustful. I know that when they cat call or drool while hanging out their car windows, it is meant to be a compliment. What exactly is degrading about someone acknowledging they think your attractive? Nothing, in my opinion, so I will welcome all that degradation anytime; it only helps improve my self esteem.

So, while walking to the playground with my boys today, every vehicle that was solely occupied by men that passed me had a least a lingering look in my direction. Yesterday, on the same walk, the only looks in my direction were from couples or women looking at my twins...granted: I was without make-up; hair tossed up in a hurried ponytail; wearing a Cookie Monster t-shirt and loose, white workout capris, so I wouldn't have given me a second glance either. Today wasn't overly sexy or provocative, though...I was wearing make-up (but I never wear very much), my hair was down, and I was wearing some black shorts and a turquoise top (the top was covering enough that it is acceptable at my workplace, a call center), so I still took pride in the attention because I knew it wasn't about my boys. Hell, the fact that I got the looks and stares and heads-out-the-window despite pushing a double stroller occupied by two toddlers just made it even more of an ego boost in my mind.

For the first time in a long time, I actually feel attractive (read: not feeling this way simply because my husband tells me he thinks I am), so the fact that I got this kind of confirmation from the opposite sex today really made my day.

So my husband doesn't know if he still wants to be with me...at least I know I won't have too much of a problem finding someone willing to take his place;>

another lovely day

So, I've discovered that M is afraid of the vacuum cleaner. He was crying in his room just from the sound and was quite upset the whole time I had it running...poor little guy:*(, but it had to get done. I can only have so many little Miamis running around...by the way, Miami is a big black dog; I also have a little white dog, Teddy. Miami sheds so much, you'd think he'd have run out of hair by now, but no...he's still got plenty of it. Oh well, it's one of the reasons I fell in love with him and wanted to bring him home.

I'm cooking a whole chicken in my slow-cooker. I used the little injector I bought last week to put some chicken broth, flavored with jerk and rotisserie seasonings, inside...so, it should be really, really scrumptious. I've got another half hour before it's done. I can't wait to taste it...yet, I just ate lunch not that long ago (maybe I need some more water to drink).

Oh, and I forgot to add the lovely poop clean-up last night. After their bath, M decided to poop on the floor of their bedroom while I was getting their toothbrushes. He and J managed to step in it a few times and spread it around the room in little dots of poop, quite fragrant and mushy. They currently HATE the sight of their own poop (not sure about anyone else's), so they were screaming and crying as loud as possible until mommy had all the poop out of sight. I have a feeling I'm going to need to replace their carpet once they're potty trained because it is still the same cheapo one that came from the home-builder, which stains too easily and doesn't clean up well. This is certainly not the first incident like this (and I have a strange feeling that it won't be the last); they seem to think that an ideal time to poop is right after their bath but before they have gotten diapers on...go figure.

I'm sure today will be another day without any contact from him since he is still acting rather selfish and cowardly...what an idiot!! How can anyone not realize the importance of consistently keeping in contact with their children, especially when the children are toddlers with miniscule attention spans?!?!

Saturday, May 21, 2005

Pretty cool little quiz-thingie

I found this quiz on someone else's blog...http://quizilla.com/users/icemagick/quizzes/Who%20is%20your%20inner%20Shapeshifter?/.

I am a Selkie (although, I'm not quite sure I agree):

The Scottish selkie was a being who appeared to be
a seal, but had the ability to shed their skin
and roam the land in human form. If a human
were to happen upon the discarded seal skin, he
or she could hide it and force the selkie to
marry him or her. However, if the selkie were
to ever find the skin, he or she would
immediately reassume seal form and return to
the sea from whence they came, leaving their
spouse and offspring on land to forever mourn
their loss.
As a selkie, you are a very withdrawn, secretive
and somewhat sad person, and those around you
find you alluring and mystifying. People who
come into your life find it difficult to find
the inner you. You are also curious, but you
enjoy the comforts of home most of all.

this is fun! Posted by Hello

that's really cool how you put all the water cups on the bench Posted by Hello

ready or not, here I come Posted by Hello

what a cutie! Posted by Hello

cheeeez Posted by Hello

baby pool sure looks nice... Posted by Hello

little guys trying to be big boys and play on the playground equipment Posted by Hello

Okay, so I've decided this thing could be fun...

Well, I think I will start writing some stuff in here. Today was rather uneventful. I went grocery shopping with my boys this morning. They were pretty good until we were in line...which was long, of course (Super Walmart). I am usually pretty good at keeping them occupied with stuff while we're out and nearing a mealtime, but this morning M kept throwing the toy I gave him on the floor. Well, he finally throws it to where I can't get to it until the lady in front of us in line is gone. She was almost gone when some crazy lunatic woman comes running and stops to pick up the toy. She quickly puts it on the bag stand (not really sure what that's called) and runs off again...koo-koo. Well, the cashier, which happened to be the one next to me instead of the one I'm checking out with, throws it away...doesn't turn around to see if it belongs to anyone, doesn't ask, just throws it in her garbage. Finally, since M is now upset that he can't have the toy that he threw on the ground, some other woman says to the cashier that she thought the toy belonged to him and he was crying now. The cashier simply retrieves it from the trash can and puts it back on her bag stand...no apology and doesn't even bother to ask me if it is his. So, I take it and clean it with some antibacterial hand gel and give it back to M, who is magically much calmer. Needless to say, I try to get out of there as quickly as possible before anything else happens.

We went for a walk later in the afternoon. I take them in their stroller up to the community playground and then let them out to have fun. I did get some pictures of them...which I will probably post here since I think they are just the most handsome little guys ever (obviously).

Of course their terrific (please note: completely drenched in sarcasm) father hasn't bothered to call or see them the past two days...what a surprise (again, sarcasm)!

First Post

I just created this. I don't know if I will be using it or not, but I thought I'd go ahead and create my own blog since I had to register to post a comment on my friend's.