Sunday, October 09, 2005

See...I am a quick learner

Not only did I not leave my comfort zone with Mr. Sexy, I went out with Airforce drummer on Friday night and didn't give him anything more than a kiss.

I am quite surprised that there were such judgemental comments on my too nice post. I thought the post was pretty clear that I didn't like what happened that night and was sorting through my feelings and trying to figure out how to prevent this from happening again. As far as I'm concerned, anyone who hasn't had my same experiences cannot know why I make the decisions I do nor begin to understand the thought process that I go through concerning sex...and therefore should save judgemental comments for their own benefit because they will not benefit me. I know there are people in this world that have no problem saying no; I am not one of those people, and that has a great deal to do with how I was introduced to sexual behavior.

I will not dare to provide the details because I just don't feel I need to, but let me just warn anyone else that wants to judge my sex life. I was educated on certain sexual behaviors by my mom's second husband...a man that adopted me as his daughter. He is the man that was present the most in my life and is who I consider to be my dad. This began when I was 7 and ended when they split up...probably over a year later. While the things that happened to me pale in comparison to things that others have gone through, it doesn't mean I wasn't affected. It taught me that I was viewed as an object to be used for fulfillment of sexual desires. This was the wrong lesson to learn at the age of 7...when I didn't even have a full understanding of what sex was.

So, those events are very likely the reason I became promiscuous as a teenager and never bothered to resist my sexual desire. If the opportunity was there and I felt the attraction, I acted on it. The one time I felt I didn't want to and bothered to tell the guy as much, it didn't do a damn bit of good. This seemed to have planted some weird idea in my head that I only had two choices: say "no" and be forced to do it anyhow or go along with it and just feel like I had been coerced.

Perhaps those of you that were ready to judge me because I gave a guy a blow job that I didn't want to give will think about your first sexual experiences and when they happened and whether or not anyone ever ignored your objections to sex. I'd be willing to bet that they were very different from mine.

Sometimes things have to go opposite to the way we want for us to learn how to react in the way we want. I am starting to prove to myself that I can successfully set some boundaries...even with the same guy that I was so "easy" with last time. It is all a learning process, and I am a quick learner;>

And for anyone that truly believes that a guy won't want to keep you around for more than just sex if you have sex too soon, please remember this:
When I asked IFKAMH why he continued seeing me and wanted to have a relationship with me if he didn't believe he was "in love" with me, his simple response was "sex". I had this man flying from Florida to Virginia at least once a month for probably five months, leave his family and friends in southwest FL to move to central FL to be near me, marry me after over two years of being together, and stay married for close to five years before he decided this wasn't what he wanted...all because I had sex with him on our first date;>

30 comments:

mrblackromantic said...

lovely - I apologize if you took my comments as words of judgement. I am that second to last person to look upon anyone's actions and stand in judgement of them.

I only said my words because I had to be the one myself to resist the same urges... its a LOOOONG story and one I don't want to rehash again on a comment but again, if you took my words in offense, I apologize.

Lasadh said...

Well, when you put stuff out there for the public to read and comment upon, you have to be prepared for comments you may not like.

I don't claim to know the first thing about your past. Nor do I claim to know how that affects your current approach to dating. But if it's causing you to submit to sexual activity when you don't want to, then you need to wake up and FUCKING SLAM ON THE GODDAMN DATING BRAKES and get counseling until you know how to handle these situations. If you're unsure of your boundaries and how to enforce them, then you SHOULD NOT be repeatedly thrusting yourself into situations in which you know your boundaries will be tested.

Sure, I could sit here and be all sympathetic and whatnot but what good what that do? Someone apparently needs to raise a red flag here. Looks that someone is me.

Celebrate Woo-Woo said...

mrblackromantic, I did not take your comment as judgemental because it was said lightheartedly.

Danielle said...

Hey woo just checkn in gotta finish reading your post now; havea good day

Nessa said...

get it all out!

melly21775 said...

I would like to address my comments to Sherri. It seems to me that Woo-Woo has already stated on more than once that she is learning from her past and taking steps to correct any issues that she may or may not have. She is being honest and open here, because she wants to share her life with others. You, in my opinion are being rude by not really reading her posts. GET OFF OF YOUR SOAP BOX!

Woo-Woo,

I have the same problem you do. I have a hard time saying no. I don't know why this is, but I understand what you are going through. At least you are aware of the problem and congrats on your last date with I believe it's the drummer guy and for setting your boundries.

Buffalo said...

I've always been of the opinion that if someone doesn't like what I'm doing they need to take their happy ass down the road.

If you want to do something, do it. If you don't, the don't do it. If it is something that troubles you.......reach out for help.

You're doing just fine, baby girl. Just fine.

Clint said...

Hey don't let people bother you, putting your life in print only opens yourself up to more comments than you would normally have. People close to you know more about you and how to comment on situations in your life, while the rest of us internet people only know what you write down.

I understand your situation and realize it is hard to change something when that is what you are use to. I do think, and this is totally my opinion, that it went a little far with drummerboy that soon, but hey I wasn't there so I wouldn't know. I know I have gone a little farther sooner than I have wanted to as well but I guess as a guy I can't really complain. ha.

I hope things work out with the other guy though. He seems much more level headed than the drummerboy.

Lasadh said...

Melly, I'm not on a soapbox. Just stating my opinion. I call 'em like I see 'em. I'm sure I'm saying what a lot of your are thinking.

Lasadh said...

You accuse me of not reading your posts, when in fact, I may be the only person who actually has. Let’s take a look at what you’ve posted over the past 2 weeks (+ 2 days), shall we?

9/23 - you post about setting up a profile on a dating site

9/26 – post pics of three guys you’re interested in and post about the fact that you don’t trust AirForce Drummer (“AFD”) [RED FLAG #1]

9/27 – post again (in two separate posts) that you don’t trust AFD, but decide to meet him anyway [RED FLAG #2] and admit that you “want” Sexy Eyes (“SE”) because he’s been flirting with you via email and you say that you only want someone to have fun with, no strings attached [RED FLAG #3]

9/28 – meet AFD for what you’re not sure is a date (because there was no sex?) and say that you’ll go out with him again. Meanwhile, you’ve been sending “sweet dreams” pics to SE and receiving long, sexually charged emails in return [RED FLAG #4]

10/1 – meet AFD again and give him a blowjob after trying to indicate you didn’t want to [RED FLAGS # 5 and 6], say that he’ll be good for “tension relief” [RED FLAG # 7] but not much else.

10/3 – arrange a date with SE, saying that he’s the “least creepy” [RED FLAG # 8] of all your prospects and post again about not liking/trusting AFD [RED FLAG #9] and say that he’s “out”

10/5 – post yet again about not liking/trusting AFD [RED FLAG #10]

10/6 – post a pic of AFD and make fun of him [RED FLAG #11]

10/8 – post about date with SE

10/9 – post about going out AGAIN with AFD, even after repeated saying that you don’t like/trust him and after making fun of him, decide you’re proud of yourself for only kissing him [RED FLAG # 12]

First of all, you really should decide what you’re after. You say that you just want to have fun with no strings attached, yet you also claim to want to set boundaries. You exchange what I assume to be sexy pics and emails with someone, suggesting what you’ll do together when you meet, yet still claim to want to establish boundaries. You say that you try to indicate that you’re no interested in sex with someone, yet give him a blowjob anyway and then accuse him of being selfish and taking advantage of you.

Seems to me like you’re giving off so many mixed signals that no guy is going take you seriously. What happens if/when a guy wants to screw you, and you say “no” but give in anyway. Are you going to say he raped you? Because that’s exactly the kind of situation you’re setting yourself up to be in. When you make poor decisions, you can only expect poor results.

You say yourself that dating is new to you. Maybe you should slow it down a bit and only deal with one guy at a time. But first, I think you need to think long and hard about what you really want from a date and convey that clearly to the guy. Are you just looking for a good time with no strings attached? Make it clear. Are you looking for something more? Make it clear. Are you looking for friendship? Make it clear. Are you looking for respect? Make it clear.

Also, I imagine that I expect someone with two small children to act a bit more responsibly than someone who doesn’t. You should be setting your standards a bit higher. Would you want your sons to date someone like you? Think about it. Would you want them to read these blog posts of yours when they’re old enough to date? Think about it.

Clint said...

Wow you hit a nerve on Sherri. Ha.

Marit said...

VERY well stated, Sherri.

the dysfunctional one said...

I can very judgmental...but for whatever reason when I read your entry I completely understood your position.

Why?

I have been in the exact same one over and over and over again. And I was never sexually molested or raped...in fact, I grew up in a strict household where sex before marriage was forbidden.

the dysfunctional one said...

don't take sherri's words harshly or as judgment...I think she has some good guidance to offer. At least that's what I see.

Marit said...

I don't see Sherri as being harsh at all---and you should definitely not take it that way. Sometimes, the truth can hurt.

Celebrate Woo-Woo said...

First, thank you, melly21775, for finding the real reason for this post...that my behavior has improved;>

Second, Sherrie, I think my sons would be rather lucky to find someone like me...smart, attractive, honest, and kind. Do I want them to read this when they're older...probably not, but then again, I don't want to know about my mom's sex life, either;>

My main point in this post was that I have improved my behavior...whether or not it is to the degree that some would like is not my issue because it only matters what I think about myself. If I had been in the same situation with drummer boy 8 years ago, he would have gotten a lot more than a blowjob...but that was just the kind of girl I was then. I would have been the first to tell you I was a slut, but I didn't care then because I had a hell of a lot of fun and explored my sexuality enough so that I wasn't afraid to make a commitment to someone when I thought I had found the right person.

The reason I went out with drummer boy again was because it was a night out with free dinner, and I knew what I needed to do this time to avoid a repeat of the week before...and I did it. So, he did get a few kisses, but he didn't even get tongue. I'd say that is much, much improved in one week's time.

You say I'm sending mixed signals...I'm sure it seems that way to you all that know more of the story, but drummer boy didn't get any mixed signals...unless you think continuing to speak with him and see him means that I wanted to have sex with him. Now, if Mr. Sexy had tried to screw me, then I could have understood...BUT HE DIDN'T!! So, while we had fun passing the time by fantasizing with each other about the possibilites, the scene he wrote to me was hardly what happened.

It's not that I don't see that you and the anonymous posters were trying to offer advice, it's just that I didn't see that the advice offered was really needed since it is damn obvious to me as well as at least a few others that I'm just writing through my issues to get the results I want in the future.

I guess it really boils down to this: I was raised to say things in a certain way if I wanted someone to listen. Offering advice in the form of judgemental comments, which I read as "bad girl, you should know better, don't do that again!" doesn't really do any good when I already realized that;> You now say that I need to figure out what I want from a date before I continue to date...the problem with that is that I need to test the waters again, so I must get out and see that all men are not like IFKAMH, but it doesn't mean that I'm trying to marry the first guy that is different, although I can't rule that idea out, either. What I know I'm looking for is someone that I can have dinner with, go to a movie with, and yes, have sex with...and if it leads to something more because we are that good together, then that's terrific, but that isn't what I'm actively seeking.

Lasadh said...

I'm not really trying to do you any good. You're assuming I care. I don't. I save those valiant efforts for the people who I actually think will respond to them. I was just pointing out how inconceivably ridiculous your approach to dating is.

And I was otherwise bored today.

You complain about the very behaviors you foster. You moan and groan about a guy taking advantage of you, yet you are practically wearing a neon sign that says "take advantage of me." You say how much you dislike a man and even post his private photos on your site and publicly make fun of him and then turn around and go out with him again. And you somehow expect this guy to respect you and your boundaries. You think spending time with a guy without screwing him is a crowning achievement. That's just...sad.

But if all you truly want is a no-strings-attached good time, then It appears as though you've got that covered quite nicely and are quite good at it. Guys are generally pretty good at sniffing out those types of women. I'm sure you'll have lots of dates in the future. What guy DOESN'T like a sure thing?

Marit said...

"If I had been in the same situation with drummer boy 8 years ago, he would have gotten a lot more than a blowjob"

Ummm.....honey---sex isn't THAT FAR from a blowjob. You're acting like a blowjob is as minute as a kiss on the cheek---and a HUGE JUMP away from sex. It isn't.

Please, be careful.

Marit said...

"If I had been in the same situation with drummer boy 8 years ago, he would have gotten a lot more than a blowjob"

Ummm.....honey---sex isn't THAT FAR from a blowjob. You're acting like a blowjob is as minute as a kiss on the cheek---and a HUGE JUMP away from sex. It isn't.

Please, be careful.

GA girl said...

OMG! Sherri, pull the giant stick out of your ass and BACK THE FUCK OFF! You don't like what you read, then GO THE FUCK AWAY! You are kidding yourself if you say there is nothing in your past that makes you ashamed, and speaking from past experiences, having your daddy decide it's okay to fuck his baby girl will really screw with your notions of sex later on in life. Imagine being 6-10 and having your father sneak into your room at night and touch you, telling you that you can't tell your mom because she's sick, or that if you do she'll leave and then you'll be living on the streets, or that he'll hurt her and you even more. Telling you that this is okay bacause this is what's suppose to happen and that if you don't bad things will happen. As a kid, you don't know what these bad things are, but they become giagantic. For me it was my mom would die. I don't know what it was for woo, but I get it.

I went through the easy phase as a teenager too, actually woo and I went through it together. It happens. I still have issues, mine worse being that I have a tendency to be a doormat. That and I can't seem to make a move on my own. I need to be with a forceful guy otherwise I don't know what to do sexually. I am learning to be aggressive, and trying to break out of the mold I never should have been placed in, but when a man tells you something, and this isn't kust anyman, but your father, the man who is supposed to protect you and love you and have your best interests at heart, it fucks you royally, and it takes a long time to break the mold.

So basically Sherri, if I had a dick, right now I'd be telling you to suck it, but since I don't, I'll just say, fuck you you judgemental, condensending, officious little bitch, and next time you have nothing to do, stay away from my friend and find yourself a nice little soapbox and a congregation since you obviously love to preach.

Lasadh said...

Settle down, ga girl. Did I mention my past? Nope. Careful with your imagination, as it seems to be running a bit wild.

I already suggested that she perhaps seek counseling in order to deal with her messed up past and to keep from continuing to mess up her present. She doesn't seem to think that's a good idea. She'd rather slut around and make a spectacle of herself in a public forum. And then blame it on her past when people raise eyebrows at her behavior.


If her past is really skewing her thoughts and behavior to the degree that you and she say it is, then what kind of friend are you for just patting her on the back and watching from the sidelines as she continues to put herself into all sorts of emotional and physical situations she's clearly not prepared to deal with? Did you read her post about the blowjob???? DID YOU? OMG, if one of my friends wrote that post, you bet your ass I'd be doing somethiing to help her. She's submitting to sexual activity she claims she didn't want to. WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU GOING TO DO WHEN SHE CLAIMS SHE'S BEEN RAPED? Or even worse? Because everyone reading along knows that's exactly what kind of scenario she's setting heself up for and NO ONE SEEMS TO CARE. She has all these imaginary boundaries which she's not even capable of enforcing and she's seeking out men who clearly don't care for or respect her as anything other than a sexual object. Some friend you are for just sitting on your ass and watching a series of dangerous and damaging events play out without doing anything.

So instead of getting angry at me (because really, I'm not invested in this whole play or any of the characters), why don't you actually BE A FRIEND and try to help her. She obviously needs it. Or maybe you like being an enabler as much as she likes being a victim.

Eunice said...

Holy cow, looks like this "debate" has gotten a little heated. Woo, we all make mistakes, we all have that guy in our past (some of us more than one), that we go, "damn, I should NOT have gone there with him." That's the past. You may or may not have felt that way, but like you said, you learned. I've always been of the belief that if it feels right, go for it. That doesn't make you cheap and it doesn't mean that they want you around just for sex.

What's important is that you are learning from the choices you feel were mistakes. Remember that. It doesn't matter if anyone else thinks that you made a mistake or are making poor choices. Those that are close to you and know you are the only ones that can really tell you, "Woo, I think you're making a huge mistake here." The rest of us can't talk with any knowledge on the subject, since all we know is what's written here, and shame on those of you that pretend like that's all you need.

GA girl said...

You know what Sherri, I began to type a response, but what it boils down to is, you don't have a clue what you are talking about. You aren't a part of any of this, which is the way it should be. I don't know your past, I don't want to. It is undoubtedly as boring as your present which leaves you tons of time to pester others. All I'll say is, go away. Go far away, and be careful. I'd hate to be in your shoes if you were judged right now.

GA girl said...

And Sherri, I did not let my imagination run wild as you seem to think, i was not referring to you having had childhood experiences, but to Woo and myself. Seems to me that you're the one who has issues misreading things, just like you did on the original post. Since you are obviously better than us, and as such are a better person and all, stop commenting. Save it for yourself. Let the knowledge that you are right, because I'm sure you are one of those people who always are, and GO AWAY!

Lasadh said...

Let me quote you ga girl, then I'll leave this giant, pitiful clusterfuck of a situation.

You said, "You are kidding yourself if you say there is nothing in your past that makes you ashamed..."

When did I say anything about my past? Oh that's right, I didn't. I didn't misread that; you just seem to have selective comprehension and wild imagination skills. Some of us learn from our past, some of us seek help in working through it and others use it as a crutch for continually fucking up their lives. I know into which category I fall, and it seems obvious into which category woo-woo falls.

Let her continue to screw herself up. Let her continue to behave like a juvenile, let her continue to delude herself into thinking that any man will ever respect her when she sets herself up to be nothing more than a sexual object and let her continue to set imaginary boundaries for herself which neither she nor any man will ever respect. It seems as though you quite enjoy watching her stumble through things. She has serious issues and obviously hasn't a clue how to deal with them. What exactly are YOU doing to help her work through them or help her avoid further emotional and sexual trauma?

How's that saying go? With friends like you, who needs enemies? You just keep right on telling her she's doing the right thing, because that's obviously doing a whole hell of a lot of good.

An if she and you don't want people judging and commenting upon your sex lives, why the hell are you putting it out there in a public forum? Just begging for attention. Keep it private if you can't take the comments.

Bye.

Celebrate Woo-Woo said...

For someone who says she doesn't care, Sherri, you seem to be very compelled to continue posting your opinion on this matter.

I think I've handled the comments quite well, frankly, and I still have no understanding or appreciation of your judgement of my life. Perhaps you should watch the movie "What About Bob?" and realize that even with a therapist, someone needs to start with "baby steps" to improve his/her natural behavior. You were right when you said that I think spending time with a guy without screwing him is a crowning achievement...because in my teen years, I was rather quick to screw any man that I wanted to (and after over six months of going without, I really, really want to). It certainly wasn't a stretch for me to be fucking a guy within a few hours of having met him. If you've never been one to do this, then I guess you don't think it is a big deal not to do this, but for someone that did that regularly, it is a great accomplishment to not have that happen, and I am damn proud of it.

I have been in therapy, and my therapist was beginning to feel like he was pretty useless because I already have a good idea of what my issues are, how they came to be, and what I don't want to do in the future. He was sure to tell me that I have more to offer than sex, and I do know this in my head, but I can't simply change the way I view myself or the way I have been trained to view men overnight regardless of what some therapist tells me or what I even think in my head.

So, I did need to go through that unpleasant night and test my limits to realize that I can't put myself in that position yet, and I haven't done it since.

I don't know why you think my boundaries are imaginary. Aren't everyone's boundaries when it comes to this matter imaginary? Do you wear a chastity belt when you go on a date? If not, then any type of boundaries you set are going to be imaginary in someone's eyes. Considering the fact that drummer boy took my decision not to enter his house at face value and didn't try to convince me to come in, I'd say he was respecting my imaginary boundaries;>

Yes, GA Girl read the "blow job" post, but she also read the other posts since that one and can see that it is an improvement to have not done anything I didn't want to with Mr. Sexy despite his nearly irresistible appeal and that I didn't let myself get into the same situation with drummer boy again. You must be a very hard woman to please if you don't see this as improvement rather than continuing to "slut around".

Anonymous said...

Good fucking golly. Everyone is different, has different backgrounds, genes, childhood experience, parents, morals, and even values. These differences do not make anyone more superior than the next. These differences do not make someone’s opinions valid or invalid. And until we have all walked in each other’s shoes, we will never completely know how we would have acted in the other’s place. This is life.

Woowoo, is what you are doing dangerous (yes, but frankly dating is dangerous, so is driving a car). Is what you are doing morally reprehensible (whose morals are we comparing it to?) Is it ok to have fun (of course). Do you need to be careful (obviously). Should you pat yourself on the back for not giving a blow job (I’m not you, so I can’t say).

Sherri, is there anything you have ever done you are ashamed of (probably). Ever done something sexually you would have preferred not to? (come one we all have done something – a “pity kiss”, “pity handjob”, “pity blowjob” and even the infamous “pity fuck” – we have all done something out of guilt or just plain pity – I say this with assurances because I pretty much characterize myself as a selfish bitch who usually only does exactly what I want and I have succumbed to a few “pity…” in my day). Have you ever made the same mistake twice (you are human, so yeah) Does it help you when people judge your actions or point out flaws (does it help anyone?)

Please people just remember we are all different. Lets not judge.

GA girl said...

wow, an anon I like. Very cool...

Anonymous said...

Woah-
I missed out on this debate. Probably a good thing...looks like it's been HOTT over herre!
Anon #3

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