Thursday, September 08, 2005

I am a mess...

The other night I heard a noise shortly after I turned off the light to go to sleep. I got scared. I don't consider myself to be paranoid or afraid of the dark...or of being alone, for that matter, but I really felt like I was in a state of panic. I froze for a few seconds, stared at my dogs to see if they were going to respond, and then slowly reached up to turn on the light above the bed. There was nothing in the room, and I never did hear anything else that night, but the episode got my mind racing...I didn't get much sleep that night.

I realized that I had had someone in bed with me as protection and comfort for over six and a half years. My dogs used to make me feel secure on the few nights during those years that he wasn't able to be there, but they are getting older...and lazier. I don't know that their senses are still as keen as they once were; I mean, if I heard the noise, then they should have, too (at least the Little Devil should have), but they were passed out and snoring while I lay there worrying about my safety. I don't remember ever feeling like this when I lived with my mom as a teenager, but then again, I, like most teens, lived in that wonderfully dangerous state of invincibility, where my mortality is buried too deep in my subconscious for it to affect the way I react to life's events.

This somehow spun off into thoughts of being a single woman forever. Part of me wants this, I know, because I have become very insecure. I don't think I can trust my instincts about people, and I know that I am often too trusting and too quick to believe that people have the best intentions towards me. I worry that I'll find someone that has convinced me he is good and will turn into another of satan's rectums. I have struggled to figure out if I should have known better than to fall for IFKAMH, and I still haven't found any reason that I should have. This scares me to no end. I spent years with this man and have now seen him become someone completely different than the person I believed he was. How can I believe in myself enough not to let this happen again? Wouldn't it be safer just to not bother? How can I take that risk again knowing that the outcome will affect more than just me? My children will be affected by any relationship I have in the future, and I can't bear the thought of them having negative feelings towards their own gender, which I do feel has something to do with IFKAMH's behavior, or thinking that what their father did (and what some other man may do to me again) is what is normal and acceptable...

And then this leads to my thoughts of needing to find someone else to build a life with so that my boys will have an example of what a committed relationship is and how it works. From my insights into other men lately, those that came from families where the parents were still together are the same ones that wouldn't even conceive of doing the things that IFKAMH did and would disown even a best friend if he had done those things. This includes IFKAMH's former best friend...his parents are still married and he no longer considers IFKAMH a friend.

Then, I ponder where in the hell I'm supposed to meet these wonderful men that everyone tells me I will find out there. The last time I was trying to meet guys was when I was 17...something tells me that the guys in their late twenties and older aren't going to be as easy to find as 19 and 20 year-olds.

Of course I wonder how I can expect a lot from these men when I know that I'm carrying some major baggage and issues and don't even know where to begin with figuring out how to resolve my trust issues. How can I expect him to be Mr. Wonderful and accept me with all this crap I'm bringing to the table if I'm not willing to accept his crap, too? Is it okay for me to be that selfish?

Anyway, all of this, compounded by my severe horniness, kept me tossing and turning for a long while the other night. I eventually turned all of this into anger and frustration against IFKAMH and cried myself to sleep. So, like the title warned...I'm a mess;>

8 comments:

GA girl said...

I understand completely. I still think that some of the crap my parents went through severly affects my thoughts on men and relationships. Which is why I often look for outs. But if you never date again, that will affect the boys just as much as having a string of losers in their lives. Just don't introduce them to guys until it's serious, and don't lie to them. I don't know about you, but it messed with me when mom would have gifts from dad under the tree or for my birthday that i later figured out he didn't send. Like why would he send a gift but not call? And so on and so forth. You're one smart cookie, so I know you will figure it all out. Kisses!

GA girl said...

I'm the same way about sleep now. I can't sleep w/o D next to me. Not only that, but to sleep well, I have to be touching him. How sick am I?

Clint said...

I use to totally freak out when I lived by myself when I heard strange noises. I had no dog or nothing so I would lay and think about what crazy psycho had just climbed into my house until I would fall asleep. Now I have a roommate and she has a big dog so I don't worry about noises at all.

Except when they are gone, then I lock my bedroom door.

Clint said...

Oh and I feel your pain about trying to find someone, everyone I have met has turned out to not be the right one. You probably have it a little harder because of the kids, so good luck!!

monk.wonders.where.the.men.are.4u said...

Thats a good question. Where do people meet quality people? My guess would be those pet training classes at Petsmart. Barnes & Noble maybe. Do straight single guys go to Starbucks? I have been out of the pool awhile. Firefighters are hot. You could always drop off hurricane donations at the fire station. OH SH*T- the vet- dont you work at one, then meet a vet!!!! Thats what I always wanted for GA girl. It would make a good topic though- WHERE DO YOU THINK WOO WOO CAN MEET DECENT MEN?

Glass Slipper said...

I am going through something similar right now. I have a 2 year old son and am in the middle of a divorce. It is hard to trust men again, and to believe that they won't be like my soon to be ex, but when the right person comes along you will know it. Hang in there!

Nessa said...

I don't know what to say, but I can tell you that I'm there too. Really, I am. It's sad.

Missalove said...

You know woo I agree with Monk, they are out there and you will probably find him in the most unexpected place. Not saying my relationship is perfect or that it will last forever (though heres hoping), but I kind of just walked into our relationship. I needed a job and ended up with a husband. You could always look in the coverntional places like bars and night clubs, but we all know what they are there for. So just be you and know that in your heart you will be able to trust again, it will just take some extra research of a man first. I love you and miss you tons!!!