Friday, July 08, 2005

The end is near...

The past couple days have been interesting to say the least.

Tuesday night I called IFKAMH (after he failed to call me as he said he would when we talked Monday night...not a big shocker). I left him a tear-filled voicemail explaining that I couldn't take the uncertainty and that he has until the end of this weekend to demonstrate his commitment to working things out with me.

Wednesday afternoon, I get a call from "Private Number". I do not answer these calls. If I don't recognize the number...I don't answer. Leave me a message, and I will more than likely call back. No message is left. Instead the call comes again. And then again. And then again, so I answer this time, thinking that it may be someone I know and that it might be something urgent. Well, it is "the" chic, I will now refer to her as DA for dumbass. DA does not identify herself by name, she simply starts with that she knows I called her and texted (is that really a word? probably is nowadays) her awhile ago and she never responded but she was wondering if he had been telling me that he didn't want to be with her anymore. I asked if she was (real name). She confirmed she was. I simply told her what he's told me...that he wants to work things out with me, that he never had a romantic involvement with her, and that his move to where he is now had nothing to do with her. I was surprisingly nice...maybe because I felt bad that she is so dumb about this whole situation (why do women put themselves in this position...why would she get involved with a man that is still married and think that he will be totally honest and faithful to her when he wasn't to his WIFE, to whom he promised to be these things in front of witnesses?!?). I really wish I would have asked her some questions, like is she living with him and has she ever been married and why she never bothered to call me when I wanted information but now will pester me until I answer the phone (which I never, ever did to her...I was gutsy enough to leave my number unblocked and to leave her a voicemail explaining why I wanted to speak with her and left her my number; after she told IFKAMH about it and he was upset about my calling her, I sent her a text stating that I would not contact her again since she obviously didn't wish to speak with me)...but I didn't ask any of these things or anything at all. We agreed that IFKAMH needs to decide what he wants and pursue it fully rather than being selfish as hell and stringing us both along and that we will both be fine with either decision. She didn't want me to tell him that we had talked. I agreed to this simply because I had no intention of speaking to him about it...why should I let him know everything I know when he feels the need to hide things from me.

He calls me that night. He had gotten my message and tries to assure me that I have nothing to worry about and that he just feels stupid for what he did. He thinks it was stupid of him to think that there was something better elsewhere. I tried to find out why he felt unhappy with our marriage...his response?: I don't really think I was unhappy, I just thought I was. This is not very you would do all this without any damn reason, then?!? I told him my plans to move back to Virginia and that I had been working on my resume for jobs there. He tries to convince me I should look for jobs where he is. I explain that I don't want to go there. I don't want to be anywhere near DA. He says, "DA?" (as if he can't really recall who that is) He said that it isn't an issue; I said that it is for me. He got caught lying about something that really shouldn't have to be lied about (why he was in his car talking to me instead of in his apartment...I had been told three different versions of the story that he was going to the store). As I was getting ready to explain to him that things like this are exactly what make me doubt if he is being honest with me about everything, the call was abruptly disconnected. It took him nearly an hour to call me back, by which time I was washing dishes and didn't answer the three attempted calls. I called back about 20 minutes after the last call and left a message about it taking a long time to call me back. My thoughts are that she was there and came outside and he was about to be caught by his girlfriend talking to his wife about getting back together. I'm not sure if he wants to continue his relationship with her, but I think he at least has to right now because she is probably the reason he still has a place to live...unless he's been lying about not having money.

Thursday morning he calls while I'm taking the boys for a walk to the pool and talking to ga girl. Since I'm already on the phone, I didn't answer. I missed 4 calls by the time I got to the pool. I call him back. He is now digging for info from me. His first thing was that his mom told him I had some information for him (she knew about the convo with DA but was told not to mention it to him). I assume this is supposed to be the info about him not being on my insurance since I haven't gotten money from him to pay for that extra cost. I tell him this...he seems to understand. He starts to go and then I let him know that I have some other questions for him later. He wants me to ask them now (great!...I'd written them down Wednesday night so that I would make sure to ask them, and now I'm at the pool with my boys and without the paper). I manage to ask them all. None of the responses are satisfactory. One of the items I asked of him (in the name of earning back my trust) was that he have DA call me to tell me herself that nothing was/is going on with them as he's always claimed. He brushes around this by saying he doesn't know and implying that I can call her since I have her number (I responded that the number I have for her is disconnected). I think I recall him slipping up and saying something about my receiving a call before he mentioned that I should have her number. He says he has to do some work and will call me back when he's finished.

As I'm leaving the pool, he calls back. He begins to push for if I have some other information I want to share. I am sticking with the no and asking what he thinks I have to share. He says that he wants to hear it from me...I respond with I want to hear it from him. I start asking questions. I ask when the last time he spoke with DA I ask what they spoke about...nothing (sure, and this sudden curiousity about what I know has just appeared out of thin air). He asks if I've been doing anything. I ask what that's supposed to mean. He said like doing anything with talking to her. I respond affirmatively (including the statement of since he obviously already knows). I told him of Wednesday's conversation and what was asked and told. He said I shouldn't be talking to her. I asked why and got no response. I explained to him that he really needs to be completely honest with me about everything if he seriously wants us to work things out. I have already assumed that they had a relationship and that he's been screwing her and that he moved there for her, so his admission of these things to me will not change my stance right now (actually, his admission would probably give me a much higher opinion of him right now and allow me to think he may actually be ready to work things out). I explained that I need to know what has happened, the reasons why it happened, why he is changing his mind now, and what will be done to prevent this in the future. After stating this to him, he thinks that's now I'm crazy, while the night before he was stupid.

I told him after he said goodnight to the boys last night that he really needed to do some serious thinking about things and make a decision and stick to it because I won't be waiting for him. He said he would...somehow I doubt it. What he claims to be so unsure about is whether or not I can have access to his phone bills...I think this is going to be a necessity for us to work things out, but he obviously doesn't want it to be.

I think a lot of the reasons I have been patient with all of this nonsense is that I really hate being wrong...really, really hate it (maybe that should have been one of my 5 worst traits in the lifetime meme). I really don't want to face that I may have been wrong about the kind of person he was and that I made the wrong choice for a husband. I think admitting these things to myself just makes me think that I can't trust my instincts again for fear that they may be wrong since I never had a doubt that this guy was the right one for me...until now.


GA girl said...

This is in no way your fault. It's very easy to see signs once the situation has escalated. initially, he was charming. The whole flying to see you in VA thing was enough to turn heads, I admit that. He kept his true self hidden until he knew you loved him. Once you love someone, it's easy to overlook small mistakes, and he just continued escalating. He didn't get so bad until after the biys, and lets face facts, you had your hands full. Of course things slipped away from you there for a bit, you had two babies at home, and a full time job to contend with. You've been busy, and you've had more important things to worry about other than him. You'll meet someone better for you when you are ready. You are still VERY young, and there is no rush. Take some time for you now. You might as well...

Xeroda said...

You've given your all to everything you've done. You have nothing holding you back except yourself.

(here's where things get under my skin a little bit...I don't mean to offend you...)

That pathetic loser only cares about himself...that's it. I know it hurts that you thought of him differently, but it is not your fault that he's a manipulative little prick. Ask his latest victim if he's told her anything about confusion and thinking things through. She'll repeat the same lines of bullshit he's told you...I'm sure of it. He tries to get you to do what he wants, so that he doesn't have to own-up to his mistakes, or lose his handle on his 'little women' (Yes, that is exactly how little twerps like him see you).

By giving him the decision-making power about your relationship, and ultimately your life's experiences, you are simply feeding his bullshit ego of control. Letting this jerk-off get back into your life is the biggest mistake you can possibly make...I'll just cut through the crap and lay it out there.

Anyway - You have nothing to apologize for and have a bright road ahead of you. There are real men out there who would consistently outshine this loser on his best moments with little effort at all...they do exist.

You will make it and find your way. Stay away from the blackhole that this clown has created for himself. Ultimately, that is my advice I suppose. ;-)

Eunice said...

Holy cow Woo, how you have the energy to put up with his mind games is beyond me. You continue to amaze me with your strength and poise as you get through this. I'm appreciative of the fact that you are smart enough to see through his BS.

I know it's hard to believe for you right now, but it's okay that you were wrong in thinking he was something that he's not (a lesson that I am personally trying to accept), and I know that you're wondering how it is that you could have seen and married
a different person than he is now.

But that's the thing: he is a different person than you married. Who knows what changed in him, but obviously, something drastically changed, and when you didn't change with it, he freaked and ran out.

Again, I have to agree with Xeroda that he is being totally selfish and looking out for nothing but his own best interests. He wants you to move by him, probably not because he wants to stay there and have a home, but that he doesn't want the inconvenience of having to go to VA to see you and the boys. He is lying about DA because he may not be happy there, but would like to have her to fall back on when you shut the door on him for good. He can't have his cake and eat it too! I hate to be so cliched, but it's true!

Part of me wonders if the phone call DA made to you was something they were incahoots just doesn't make sense that she would call you now, and not before. Unless she's getting wise to his BS too. But it doesn't sound like she has, or cares, because any respectable woman would boot his ass to the curb the minute she found out that he was considering reconciling w/ his wife.

Okay, this is turning into a rant and I'm glad I don't know who he is, because I'd like to take a shoe upside his head.

So instead of giving him more attention than he deserves, I just want to commend you for being such a strong woman and not letting him suck you under for any reason. You have such a great head on your shoulders to keep yours and your boys' best interests in the forefront of your mind, and you're willing to risk the pain now if it's best in the long run, rather than letting the idealistic, "we'll work things out and be a family again" take over. Gee, that was one big fat run-on. Anyway, I know you'll make a great choice, and you and the boys will be better off for it in the long run...and Mr. Wonderful will come sweep you off your feet when you least expect it. :)

Xeroda said...

As always, Eunice is far sweeter about this stuff than I am! So, I'll give out a "what she said" instead!

I hate to see this stuff happen to good, decent just ticks me off to no end to see people suffer. BAH...I'm going home now!


Celebrate Woo-Woo said...

I just want to say that I have cried at every single comment posted today (damn it...there's another tear streaming down my cheek now). I hate the feeling that I have done some regression to three months ago...unable to eat much, unable to sleep much, and crying multiple times a day. I was down to crying once a week, and now it's more than once a day...I just hate that. I, unlike IFKAMH, am a person of my word, so I will still allow him through the weekend to make a miraculous comeback, but I ultimately feel that it will not happen and so am planning my life without him just as I was before he started feeling like he wasn't quite ready to let go of me...there just different plans now. Thanks for the support...I only really know one of you, but I love y'all still;>

Buffalo said...

Darlin' girl, all I can do is shake my head and be glad I'm not your age anymore.

Hang in there.

Missalove said...

Hey Woo,
I have to say you are stronger than me too, I would not have given him a second chance let alone all the chances that you've given him now. He hasn't made that much of an effort. I know that's hard to accept, but it's true. Like everyone else has said you will grow from this and there are great men out there. One day you will find the one for you. So hang in there and I say move home not Texas. We'll be closer to each other hopefully. I know now I'm being selfish. Sorry. Talk to you later.

Eunice said...


It's okay if you cry all day long, really. That's normal. You've not just had your heart broken but shattered and then ground back into sand...I think I can speak for everyone when I say I think we'd be worried if you weren't upset by all of this. (if not, just kick me you guys)

At least you're at the point where you still know what you're crying about. The next phase of crying is the crying with no apparent reason and no apparent trigger (like watching a telephone commercial). That was the hardest and worst stage for me (I still slip in and out of it at times).

I'm glad you're being realistic in not expecting a miraculous 180 from him this weekend, and that you're thinking about the life ahead. It's hard to do I know, but it's easier to look ahead than to look back, since there's less chance of unknowingly stepping into traffic that way. :)

More big hugs.


Monkee said...

Your comment of "He said I shouldn't be talking to her" floored me. HE shouldn't be talking to her.
As hard as it is- cut your losses. The longer you wait to do so, the harder it is. Do it for the kids. You might ask yourself- isnt it better to have a dad figure for the kids? NO- not if he is a bad example. Getting out is your only chance of helping your kids see what a good, healthy relationship is. Men are like cars. It is time for you to trade him in for a new, more 'equipped', better model.Granted, it sux at the moment but time heals all wounds. Don't let him walk all over you w/ the womanizing bullsh*t.

stardust said...

You are so, so right "you married an idiot." How can someone just pick up and leave a "beautiful" person like you. And I don't mean that only on the physical level. People need to think more about their partner's feelings and needs and longings in life and not only their own needs. "It's a give and take situation, each giving more than their share, because 80 and 80% adds up to more than l00%. And what about those little boys? Does he realize the impact it will have on their lives. - like Daddy didn't love me because he didn't stick around. What did I do wrong. Was I extra bad or something? And then leave you to hold the bag - to work everything out,to find some happiness somewhere to fill the void of the 'man I loved so much.' And yet I can't blame you for giving it all you've got because you don't just throw hearts away. 'What an idiot? I really hope he realizes what he is throwing away before it is too late. It seems to me that he would be there now - really be there now for you if he cared at all.You are a very strong person, I can tell from reading your blog. And you have so many insights now that a lot of people take years to develop. Take care Sweetie, somehow everything will work out for the best. And. one way or another, you will find real happiness. Who knows what tomorrow will bring? I know if he cannot be committed to you that someday you'll find someone who can. Someone who loves you and really cares about you in every aspect. I know I did. There is truth about 'finding love after love'(Thanks for the help Cher). Be safe, be strong, and bye for now. I will visit you real soon.