The past couple days have been interesting to say the least.
Tuesday night I called IFKAMH (after he failed to call me as he said he would when we talked Monday night...not a big shocker). I left him a tear-filled voicemail explaining that I couldn't take the uncertainty and that he has until the end of this weekend to demonstrate his commitment to working things out with me.
Wednesday afternoon, I get a call from "Private Number". I do not answer these calls. If I don't recognize the number...I don't answer. Leave me a message, and I will more than likely call back. No message is left. Instead the call comes again. And then again. And then again, so I answer this time, thinking that it may be someone I know and that it might be something urgent. Well, it is "the" chic, I will now refer to her as DA for dumbass. DA does not identify herself by name, she simply starts with that she knows I called her and texted (is that really a word? probably is nowadays) her awhile ago and she never responded but she was wondering if he had been telling me that he didn't want to be with her anymore. I asked if she was (real name). She confirmed she was. I simply told her what he's told me...that he wants to work things out with me, that he never had a romantic involvement with her, and that his move to where he is now had nothing to do with her. I was surprisingly nice...maybe because I felt bad that she is so dumb about this whole situation (why do women put themselves in this position...why would she get involved with a man that is still married and think that he will be totally honest and faithful to her when he wasn't to his WIFE, to whom he promised to be these things in front of witnesses?!?). I really wish I would have asked her some questions, like is she living with him and has she ever been married and why she never bothered to call me when I wanted information but now will pester me until I answer the phone (which I never, ever did to her...I was gutsy enough to leave my number unblocked and to leave her a voicemail explaining why I wanted to speak with her and left her my number; after she told IFKAMH about it and he was upset about my calling her, I sent her a text stating that I would not contact her again since she obviously didn't wish to speak with me)...but I didn't ask any of these things or anything at all. We agreed that IFKAMH needs to decide what he wants and pursue it fully rather than being selfish as hell and stringing us both along and that we will both be fine with either decision. She didn't want me to tell him that we had talked. I agreed to this simply because I had no intention of speaking to him about it...why should I let him know everything I know when he feels the need to hide things from me.
He calls me that night. He had gotten my message and tries to assure me that I have nothing to worry about and that he just feels stupid for what he did. He thinks it was stupid of him to think that there was something better elsewhere. I tried to find out why he felt unhappy with our marriage...his response?: I don't really think I was unhappy, I just thought I was. This is not very comforting...so you would do all this without any damn reason, then?!? I told him my plans to move back to Virginia and that I had been working on my resume for jobs there. He tries to convince me I should look for jobs where he is. I explain that I don't want to go there. I don't want to be anywhere near DA. He says, "DA?" (as if he can't really recall who that is) He said that it isn't an issue; I said that it is for me. He got caught lying about something that really shouldn't have to be lied about (why he was in his car talking to me instead of in his apartment...I had been told three different versions of the story that he was going to the store). As I was getting ready to explain to him that things like this are exactly what make me doubt if he is being honest with me about everything, the call was abruptly disconnected. It took him nearly an hour to call me back, by which time I was washing dishes and didn't answer the three attempted calls. I called back about 20 minutes after the last call and left a message about it taking a long time to call me back. My thoughts are that she was there and came outside and he was about to be caught by his girlfriend talking to his wife about getting back together. I'm not sure if he wants to continue his relationship with her, but I think he at least has to right now because she is probably the reason he still has a place to live...unless he's been lying about not having money.
Thursday morning he calls while I'm taking the boys for a walk to the pool and talking to ga girl. Since I'm already on the phone, I didn't answer. I missed 4 calls by the time I got to the pool. I call him back. He is now digging for info from me. His first thing was that his mom told him I had some information for him (she knew about the convo with DA but was told not to mention it to him). I assume this is supposed to be the info about him not being on my insurance since I haven't gotten money from him to pay for that extra cost. I tell him this...he seems to understand. He starts to go and then I let him know that I have some other questions for him later. He wants me to ask them now (great!...I'd written them down Wednesday night so that I would make sure to ask them, and now I'm at the pool with my boys and without the paper). I manage to ask them all. None of the responses are satisfactory. One of the items I asked of him (in the name of earning back my trust) was that he have DA call me to tell me herself that nothing was/is going on with them as he's always claimed. He brushes around this by saying he doesn't know and implying that I can call her since I have her number (I responded that the number I have for her is disconnected). I think I recall him slipping up and saying something about my receiving a call before he mentioned that I should have her number. He says he has to do some work and will call me back when he's finished.
As I'm leaving the pool, he calls back. He begins to push for if I have some other information I want to share. I am sticking with the no and asking what he thinks I have to share. He says that he wants to hear it from me...I respond with I want to hear it from him. I start asking questions. I ask when the last time he spoke with DA was...today. I ask what they spoke about...nothing (sure, and this sudden curiousity about what I know has just appeared out of thin air). He asks if I've been doing anything. I ask what that's supposed to mean. He said like doing anything with her...like talking to her. I respond affirmatively (including the statement of since he obviously already knows). I told him of Wednesday's conversation and what was asked and told. He said I shouldn't be talking to her. I asked why and got no response. I explained to him that he really needs to be completely honest with me about everything if he seriously wants us to work things out. I have already assumed that they had a relationship and that he's been screwing her and that he moved there for her, so his admission of these things to me will not change my stance right now (actually, his admission would probably give me a much higher opinion of him right now and allow me to think he may actually be ready to work things out). I explained that I need to know what has happened, the reasons why it happened, why he is changing his mind now, and what will be done to prevent this in the future. After stating this to him, he thinks that's crazy...so now I'm crazy, while the night before he was stupid.
I told him after he said goodnight to the boys last night that he really needed to do some serious thinking about things and make a decision and stick to it because I won't be waiting for him. He said he would...somehow I doubt it. What he claims to be so unsure about is whether or not I can have access to his phone bills...I think this is going to be a necessity for us to work things out, but he obviously doesn't want it to be.
I think a lot of the reasons I have been patient with all of this nonsense is that I really hate being wrong...really, really hate it (maybe that should have been one of my 5 worst traits in the lifetime meme). I really don't want to face that I may have been wrong about the kind of person he was and that I made the wrong choice for a husband. I think admitting these things to myself just makes me think that I can't trust my instincts again for fear that they may be wrong since I never had a doubt that this guy was the right one for me...until now.
Friday, July 08, 2005
The past couple days have been interesting to say the least.