Wednesday, May 25, 2005

Who is this person?!?!?

Well, the idiot formerly known as my husband (or IFKAMH, as he will now be referred to) called me this afternoon.

Brief background: we have been a "couple" for over 7 years, would be celebrating 5 years of marriage the end of June...he has never acted like I was anything other than his ideal woman or like our relationship was anything but ever-lasting until a couple months ago. In this less than two months, he has done and said the most idiotic things that people using even minimal brain power would have said, "Dude, that's just dumb! Please rejoin us in reality; it's not that bad." Everyone that has heard the situation from me feels he is in need of at least a severe ass-kicking, if not worse...

So, he is calling, more or less, to try to convince me to meet him tomorrow to sign some paperwork for his 401K loan. I really don't mind doing this, but the point is that he has done absolutely zilch to help me get through this disaster he's so suddenly created, so I'm not so eager to help him start over with his new life when I haven't gotten the information I need from him to do the same.

More background:
-He promised to go to counseling but bailed out on both appointments.
-He keeps saying he needs time to get on his feet before paying child, no. Our pregnancy was quite planned, although the twins were unexpected, so he already committed to that obligation and his lack of purpose and direction in life right now is not a decent excuse to not aid in basic care for these kids.
-He has seen these boys exactly one time since April 17th, and that visit was 15 minutes according to him (so I'm thinking 10 minutes would probably have been the max).
-He has called specifically to tell the boys hi and that he loves them exactly three times. Two of those were the result of guilt trips and coercion by his mom and/or me.
-He does not call or see them as often as he should and doesn't even bother to follow through with the promises he's made about these things.
-He has only seen me once in all that time as well, for maybe a total of 5 minutes, of which he may have actually looked at me for 5 seconds.
-He has hidden everything possible from me and refuses to talk to me about anything other than his need for money (or his disbelief about the warning message I sent to the numbers of the women he has been speaking with on the phone).

So, no help from him at all in my getting past this, so why exactly should I be willing to help him without any return? And why should he expect this from me?

He also tells me in this phone call that his mother is going to help him get a place to live. I later find out that she has only offered her help on the condition that he acts like an adult and at least works out satisfactory arrangements with me. When confronted with this, his response is: I thought I told you that. Seems to me if that had been disclosed, then we would have discussed a hell of a lot more than loan paperwork and where to find the notary public for it!

He then tells me that he is no longer working with his current employer. He doesn't say why (this is unsettlingly typical of our conversations as of late: no explanations for any behavior or actions). When I ask where he is working, he answers: no where right now. Excuse me? So you quit your job without having another one?!? (This is another unusual thing for him; he's never done this in the nearly 7 years since we moved to this area of Florida.) He says he's got something lined up. I ask him what it is. His response is simply that I'll know about it. What is that supposed to mean...I'll know about it? He said that since he's going to have to pay child support that I will know about it. (Now if that is the case, why keep it from me now? Sounds like someone wants to remain under the radar to avoid child support...selfish, manipulative, deceptive bastard!)

After his mom (who has been extremely supportive to me during this mess, by the way) told me what the conditions were for her help, she asked that I call him back and explain that I am not satisfied with everything and until I am, she will not be providing any monetary assistance to him. She also suggested that I meet him with my attorney, so that everything could be documented in writing; I completely agreed. She also thinks that his new job is in another state; I am sure it is...wouldn't be a complete escape from reality to stay where he is and face the possibility of having to see me on occasion.

The return call to him ends with an agreement for him to meet with me and my attorney.

More idiot traits: the man has yet to consult legal advice about this turn of events (to my knowledge, that is...guess he could be keeping that from me as well, but he made no indication that he would be represented in our meeting, and seeking legal advice would be above his level of maturity and responsibility at this point in time, I'm afraid) and seems to think this relationship can be dissolved like that of a girlfriend/boyfriend situation where the two simply move on in separate directions.

Speaking with his mom again, we conclude that he is of the mistaken frame of mind that he owes no one any explanations but we should all be bending over backwards to help him get money or give him money so that he can start over with his new life. Somehow, this doesn't sit well with us. I guess he will find it just isn't going to work that way.

I don't necessarily believe that he has really left his job, but don't think that is out of the realm of real possibilities, either, though...I simply don't know what to believe about IFKAMH anymore. I have documentation of so many lies that he has been caught in and so much evidence of stuff he's kept from me that it would be idiotic of me to believe a single word uttered from his mouth. I'm not sure he even knows what the truth is or how to speak it anymore.

What a shame...I never imagined I could feel this way about him, so much animosity and loathing. But, then again, I don't really know this person because this is certainly not the same man I once knew...I did NOT fall in love with and marry a coward, liar, cheater, or idiot; I just know I didn't!


Clint said...

Wow, this guy sounds like a real winner. I know some people who have changed almost overnight as well. My best friend since preschool was an awesome friend, then he met a girl and moved to Minnesota to be with her until she graduated college, but then he never called or talked to me and I had to find out he got engaged to her on his blog. Nice way to learn your best friend is getting married. I know this is very different than your situation but at least I have something to mildly reference it with.

Celebrate Woo-Woo said...

Thanks for trying to relate. That's pretty awful to not tell your childhood best friend that you're getting married. How can people simply change like that? I certainly have formed bmy opinions as to what happened to IFKAMH.

You've gotten the super condensed version of events. If you only'd probably feel the urge to corner him in a dark alley as well.

Melissa said...

What a jerk.
Don't sign the papers. You are legally entitled to 1/2 that money.

GA girl said...

sweetheart, maim was not the word we have been using. It is CASTRATE. As in, pull a Bobbit. If anyone deserves it, he does. Go for the kill. Call me and let me know what happens today.

Xeroda said...

I can relate to a point, but my recent ex did give me some answers and reasons, although nothing specific really (and that drives me nuts). Better than nothing at all to be sure though! Either way, it doesn't make it any easier...believe me. Fact is, this situation, considering the level to where things have gone recently, doesn't seem to be quite as immediate to me...I think it's been in the works for some time really. Hang in there and do what you need to do to best provide and secure your life and the lives of your children!!! You seem to have a solid head on your shoulders and it's awesome that his mom is supportive of your needs as well!

In terms of Bobbitization...OUCH! But yeah, he earned it. ;-)

Eunice said...

I'm reading this and wondered if somehow we were married to the same guy in parallel worlds...just out of the blue turn of events in what seemed like a pretty decent marriage.

That, and his strange lack of information. Let me guess, when it comes to you and the boys, he wants to know all about it?

I hope that he keeps things easy on you and the boys (who are supremely adorable, btw...), because you didn't ask to be put in this situation. That's what I'm dealing with right now...the divorce is final, and we're in the process of legally seperating him from the financial obligations awarded to me in the divorce: the condo, the timeshare, etc...and he's acting like I'm being unreasonable when HE's the one that chose to put me in this mess... :( Why don't they get that?

Celebrate Woo-Woo said...

It isn't even that I was just totally oblivious to the problems...he actually told me that our marriage was great.

There was a specific discussion I remember in mid-February where he was telling me what he was advising a co-worker about a bad relationship; he told this co-worker that the break-up with his last girlfriend was really hard for him to take, but that it turned out to be the best thing that ever happened because he then met his wife, with whom he has a great relationship, and that even when we disagree or have a problem, we discuss it.

This was said to me...I was not wrong to think that things were okay when he was explicitly telling me that they were okay, yet he insists that his uncertainty with our marriage has been going on for years, even before we got pregnant. Perhaps it was, but he shouldn't try to make me feel like everything is terrific if he didn't really feel that it was; that just leaves a really bad taste in my mouth. Considering he was telling someone else how we always talk things out, you'd have thought he would have bothered to mention some of his issues a long time ago...before he started spending all his time talking with another woman instead of me.

Xeroda, when I've really pushed the "why" questions, I've gotten a couple of really lame, unsubstantiated bottled responses. Most of what he's said is "I don't know", "Maybe it could be", and "I just need some time".

Xeroda said...

hehe...I've heard those same lines many a time...and yes, they are lame. To people like us, it's just common sense (and courtesy) to tell it like it is. Why beat around the freaking bush anyway??? Geesh - they NEVER get it. I feel ya!